Monday, August 1, 2016

Impregnation Nation

Everyone at work today has had enough of me. Mostly because I dropped this on them this morning, "I want to have a baby this year. Do you think I should do a donor or have a baby with someone?" Which led to a lot of remarks, none positive. This whole idea came to me about two weeks ago when I decided I may never get married again, if I do it wouldn't be for a long time and I am already 30. I want a baby eventually, I don't want to have to wait until I maybe get married again. So I tried explaining it to them how I saw it....

1. No baby daddy drama. With a donor, you don't have to worry about getting along with the father, child support fights, differences in parenting techniques, etc. I was with someone for 11 years, I thought we would be together forever but people change. I now know nothing is 100% guaranteed to work which makes me very hesitant to involve another person in any more of my life choices.

2. No heartbreak. I've seen the aftermath of a father leaving a child in my niece. She struggles with the fact her dad lives states away everyday. Seeing her heart ache for her daddy kills me every time, then I get instantly pissed because its a dick move to move away. And trying to explain to her is impossible because to a child, that love should be enough to make someone stay around.

3. A baby will help me continue my life. Yeah I can't lie, I've been through a lot lately but if anyone knows when to back off, it's me. The fact that I still think this is a good idea, even with all the recent changes, tells you I am being responsible. Yes, I'm in therapy. Yes, I'm in the middle of a divorce...which is stupid because what does that even mean? There is no fighting, no ill will, I'm basically just in the middle of moving and we are finishing up financial shit. It's not like I'm in the middle of a semester where I have divorce homework every night or a big divorce final coming up. I don't understand what people are trying to say when they say "focus on your divorce". What is there to focus on? I moved, we are waiting on the bank to finish up financial crap and eventually we will file and sign some papers. It doesn't seem like it needs that much focus.

Ok...I'll be honest. I only made it to three before I got distracted and stop writing. Now it's been a week and even though I still feel like I need a child, maybe the fact I was able to get so distracted in the first place is a large indicator that it may not be the best idea. I also have a sneaking suspicion I have yet to move on with my life enough to bring another person into it. Woe is me, I guess I'll be babyless for a while longer.

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