Wednesday, January 21, 2015


I can't concentrate on anything but wanting to bit all my nails off right now. Maybe blogging will help. If I can think of something to talk about. Just to warn you, it gets weird.

I am a terrible woman. Not a terrible person, regardless of my husband's jokes, but not good at being a girl. My quest for perfect eyebrows at the ripe age of 28, for example, is one most girls start in their teen years. I don't really know how to style my hair and I don't like using hair sprays and crap. The last thing I need is to be more flammable. I am not great at fashion and putting together outfits. Sometimes I go overboard on my makeup. And this scenario has happened more than once:

Picture me getting ready to go out with my friends, giving my husband a kiss and saying goodbye.
Knowing I probably look super hot and not even a little bit like a clown with too much blush on,  I catch his eye as he looks longingly (or annoyingly) at (past) me. Sensing that this brief goodbye may evolve to a late night rendezvous, I look into his eyes and I "Disclaimer..... I've had a terrible shaving accident...." as I squirm around in my layers of spandex undergarments.

You should always give warning when these things happen. Because nothing kills the mood like hearing, "What the hell happened down there?!" I know :( It's like someone on bath salts got a hold of a hedge clipper. I don't even know what you would reference to learn that particular set of grooming skills. It's not that I haven't tried to figure it out. I've even snapchatted an artistically drawn, MS Paint-esque masterpiece to my best friend and asked "......sooo what parts do YOU do?" Luckily she understands me and didn't make fun of my ignorance, thanks dawg. Being a girl is hard.

I also have little to no skills when it comes to feminine prowess. I'm not seductive, I'm not delicate, I can't slink across a room. I kind of just bumble around making weird, sarcastic comments which turn into weird, objectifying advances on my husband. Even if I do try to be provocative, you can only get so far wearing torn sweatpants and a teenage mutant ninja turtles shirt. I know what you're thinking, "But Rachel, you're so amazing, particularly your giant man hands you could palm a basketball with! Plus you have an impeccable filtering ability and never say anything completely inappropriate." Yes, it's true, I DO have giant man hands and yes they ARE always ice cold. I would make the worst urologist assistant ever. But on the bright side, there is probably a niche market for that in some weird, dark corner of the Internet. XXX Girls With Nomadic Iceman Hands XXX Oh yeah baby.

I'm trying to keep on topic but all I can think about is how weird my fingers feel right now. After 23 days of not biting my nails, which were so absolutely horrifically short that even after almost a month of growth they still look severely short, I can literally feel them pressing on my fingertips. It is the weirdest feeling ever. I feel like I will have to re-learn how to function once they get to a normal length. I'm 28, I don't know when I first started biting my nails but 20 years ago is a conservative guess. I have lived 20+ years with super short nails. I was trying to open something yesterday and the corner stabbed UNDER my nail. Is this a thing?! Because I have never had that happen before and it hurt like HELL. And I about scratched my face off on accident. I need a pair of those baby mitten things they put on babies to keep them from razor clawing everything they touch.

Well I'm going to continue binge watching Downton Abbey.

Lavender out.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Getting To Know Yoouuuu....

When we were in Vegas earlier this spring, a very interesting conversation took place. We were at one of the casinos and stopped to put a couple dollars in the machines. Being the ADD
Me sitting next to the husband, I put a dollar in a game. "Ohh whatcha doin' Rooobb?"
Rob- "Blackjack"
Me- "DAMN IT." Puts in another dollar, "Ohhh. Blaackjack huh?"
Rob- "Yep."
Me- "SON OF A BLLEEPP." Puts in another dollar, "Hey you're doing pretty well!"
Rob- "Uh huh."
Me- "OMG I HATE THIS GAME." Puts in a five, "You are winning a lot of money there..."
Rob- "Yeah I used to be a professional blackjack player when I was in my twenties..."
Me- Spits complementary drink everywhere "WHAT?! HOW DID I NEVER KNOW THIS?!"

Ok so maybe he didn't say he was a professional blackjack player but he did say he used to play all the time and I was shocked. One would think during the months of planning a trip to VEGAS he would have mentioned that he used to be a card shark. This isn't the first time this has happened, just at Thanksgiving he told a story about how he has a bad knee because of a dangerous flight of stairs on his 21st birthday. I know he doesn't think this is the case but Rob is very secretive. Like sleeper agent secretive. So in order to form a more perfect union, I have created the "Tell Me Something" game, basically you just ask the other person to tell you something about them that you might not know. Which is actually a lot harder for me because A. I talk about myself a lot and B. Half of the things I try to tell him he doesn't want to hear about. Maybe I'm ruining the illusion of my perfectness..ha...ha...ha...

Anyway, so we were driving to the store the other day and I asked him to tell me something I didn't know. Of course he replied with "Uhh..I don't know." So I said "FINE. Here is something about me while you think." I proceeded to tell him about the time I ran for student council in 8th grade. Not a very exciting story but one that would be stolen years later by Hollywood and adapted into the film "Napoleon Dynamite". Unlike Pedro, I had no clue what I was doing, I didn't really have any guidance from anyone and no ambition to inquire into how to run for student government. I didn't campaign at all, had a half ass speech about why I should be elected and did not prepare the suggested skit but vaguely remember a baby doll being throw maybe? Please keep in mind this was the same year of the whole paranoid government conspiracy phase of my life. What do you mean I didn't get a spot on the council?! Weird!

After I told him about my terrible political run and he still didn't have anything to tell me I talked a little about being in band. I go on and on about 6th grade band  and my mad snare drum skills when SUDDENLY I hear a grumbled, "I played the saxophone for about 8 minutes....." I looked at him dead in the eye and asked "What did you just say? YOU PLAYED THE SAX?! FOR HOW LONG?!" "I dunno, about a year..." "A YEAR?!?! WHHAAATTTTT!!!"

See what I mean, a man of mystery. A regular secret squirrel. An enigma.

That's what is so awesome about getting to know someone, all the fantastic things you find out about them. Even when you've been together for years, there is always something new and exciting to learn. Sure to him it may feel like constant, emotional waterboarding but to me it is magically!

Take my lead, go get to know your neighbors, your co-workers, your significant others. I promise you will learn all sorts of interesting things and it won't be even a little annoying at all!


Sunday, January 4, 2015

New Year's Revelations

In lieu of making any New Year's resolutions, because I'm way too hipster and cool to be mainstream like that, I will be making several New Year's Revelations throughout the year, from my couch. The first step is admitting you have a problem right? I'm so good at it, I've already made a couple and we are only like 2 days into 2015.

My first NYR came to me while I was playing Candy Crush, I thought to myself, "I should be more social." As I grow older, I find myself becoming more and more content with not doing anything or talking to anyone. Sometimes I get a message and I'm like, "Heehhhhhhhhhh," that's the noise I make when I sigh, "Heehhhhhh. Shit. I should type something back." When you get so lazy that texting seems like work, you have issues. It's fingertips and brains, maybe not even fingertips, for fox sake we have talk to text, WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY! I don't even give good excuses anymore, my sister will call and ask me to do stuff and I say, "No." "Why not?" "I have no reason, just no." I know what you're thinking, but Rachel, you are so lazy, how will you ever accomplish a feat like that? We bought a new table with our Christmas money (Shout out to my G-ma!) so we will be moving our old one down to the basement, which we recently had to clean because there is a slow leak from the water main and at some point we plan on calling a plumber, but as I have already stated we are very, very lazy. Our basement is slowly turning into some prime real estate for activities, which I plan on utilizing for such. I'll probably even invite people over to partake in said activities. They will have to pee in the floor drain though, I'm not cleaning the rest of my house just some good time freeloaders can use my bathroom for no charge.

Another one of my NYRs sprouted to mind a couple days before the first of the year. "I need to stop biting my nails." This one. I have been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. When I'm anxious, mad, bored, content, fidgety, awake, doesn't matter. I've had customers at my work say things like "HOLY SHINIKES! YOUR NAILS!" Yeah I duckin know, leave me alone you freak. Quit looking at me. Nothing like having your one, lone, single imperfection pointed out by a complete stranger. So now I guess I'm going to try to be proactive and stop biting my nails. I'm on day...4. JESUS IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS?! Lawd. This is going to be the longest rest of my life ever... Also if you read this and see me with my hands in my mouth, I'm probably not actually biting my nails, I'm probably just being weird. So don't say anything to me about it, just make a frowny face at me and I'll get it. Or if I'm picking at my nails. One step at a time.

"I should blog more." This one is a given. I'm going to attempt one a week oorrr every two weeks. It's hard because sometimes interesting things don't happen to me and I can't think of anything to write about. I suppose I can always just post pictures of my rabbit dressed up in various period costumery. It would probably get expensive with all the fancy ruff collars.

Good luck everyone with your New Year's Resolutions, if you choose to make any. I won't judge you if you don't.


Friday, January 2, 2015

Christmas & Compatability

After nearly 10 years of relationship, my husband are finally realizing what makes our relationship so great. We aren't the most passionate couple, we bicker, we both have moments when we think to ourselves why? Why am I with this person? We don't go on long, romantic walks or caress each other frequently.  But there is one thing that keeps our relationship strong. We get each other. We know what each other likes and we know what each other looks forward to. It's not even big stuff, just little stuff like the husbands undying love for Nerds Jelly Beans or him telling me "You know you're just going to end up buying that expensive foundation from the mall anyways so why are we staying in the Walmart cosmetics aisle trying to shade match you? Just go buy it." We just mesh well.
For Christmas, I opted to get him a fancy jersey that was kind of expensive and I knew he probably wouldn't buy on his own and I found a cool Breaking Bad poster that I paired with an RV Christmas ornament I hand painted to look like Walter White's mobile meth lab. Booyah!  Then I made a giant Amazon wishlist for all the little piddly crap I wanted. Being a smart man, he bought almost everything on my list but decided to make it special in his own way. We are weirdos and it's not out of the ordinary for our dogs to "give" us presents during holidays. He wrapped each gifts, there were a bunch, and labeled them accordingly as to who they were from. (I refused to give the animals any credit for my gifts to him because I was pretty proud of my gift skills and I'm a rude bitch like that.) When I opened them it went a little something like this:

From Rolo: Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey and a Clinique Instant Shimmer gift set. He said because "Rolo likes when you look beautiful"

From Bella: Two new CDs "Islands" by Bear's Den and "Stay Gold" by First Aid Kit. Because "Bella loves when you sing to her."

From Saffy: New makeup brushes and a train case to hold my makeup. Because "Saffy is always destroying your stuff." True, true.

From Magnus: My sweet new Philips trimmer for my new eyebrow adventures and NYX Eyebrow Cake Powder in blonde. Because "Magnus wants a mohawk..." This will probably happen.

So then I get to my present from Rob: Cards Against Humanity. Because "I know deep down what a horrible person you are." 

Awwww. See, he just gets me. My other favorite line as of late to come from his mouth was the other day in the car. We were driving home and I was taking on of those quizzes online, one of the questions was "What is your weakest trait?" or something like that. The choices were smoking, drinking, emotional, lazy and cursing. So I ask him, "Hey. What's my weakest trait?" and list them off. And he says, "Emotional. You're kind of manic." He continues, "But not all the time. Like 95% of the time you're fine. But the other get in a mood and......"
What?! Me?! I acted shocked for a moment and then asked him to remind me I needed a new hairbrush because I broke mine in half on Christmas Eve during a meltdown. I mean it rarely happens but once or twice a year my anger overwhelms me and things get broken or a hole gets punched in a wall. Doesn't everyone have a picture hanging at chest height in their hallway?

Long story short, we had a pretty awesome Christmas. I have to say it was one of the best. All my siblings were there, nieces and nephew, everyone got along really well and overall it was just a really, really great time. We were all very impressed with our ability to have a solid night of togetherness without any murdering or name calling. It was the greatest present of all, besides all the new, cool shit I got. 

Well I hope everyone had a great holiday and made some memories. Keep the peace fellow man.

(And no I didn't just learn to hyperlink and yes this is my attempt to get free stuff from companies. Don't be surprised if I start writing reviews soon.)