Thursday, March 7, 2013

TV, Cultivation Theory and Contingency Plans

First of all, subscribe to my blog. If you got here from facebook, I don't think it always shows the things I post so if you want to be cool and in my clique and know when there is new shit!

Secondly, I f'ing LOVE my husband. He is seriously my best friend. I'm not going to sit here and act like we don't have our issues, just ask the cell phone size hole in the living room wall, BUT most of the (little) time we get to spend together is pretty awesome. I give a lot of the credit to him, he has a great sense of humor, is very caring and is able to handle all my shit talking. There are two things we really enjoying doing together, both of which take up the majority of our free time. #1. Doing voice overs for our dogs and telling the stories of their little lives #2. Watching TV...lots of TV. If you are a normal person, there is a chance you watch TV without much conversation. Not the case here, we are constantly talking back to the TV with colorful commentary. "RAYLAN GIVENS YOU ARE ONE BADASS MOTHER F*CKER!!"

Mr. TV is always on in our house, right now there is a basketball game on. I'm not watching it and I really don't care about it at all but sometimes you're watching something on the DVR, it ends, you get distracted and you find yourself watching some crazy ass show you didn't mean too. I also recently began looking through the high numbered channels that we don't ever watch. Right between the financial crap and the Spanish channels I found a show called "Estate Jewelry with Sam." It is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. It's like a home shopping show, people call in and tell the operator what piece of jewelry they want to know about, they tell Sam and Sam talks about it. The ticket price is always high and then Sam taps on his little off screen calculator and makes them a heck of a deal. What really sold it to me was when Sam gets pissed at people for being cheap or not buying stuff and starts talking shit about them. It's awesome! So I was watching it one night when Rob was at work and when he got home I changed the channel. I kept thinking about it so when we were done watching our shows I told him I HAD to show him something. He didn't really care I was turning on a jewelry shopping show because I am the best wife in the world (his words) and we have two TVs in the living room, one for video games, one for TV watching. So he is playing NCAA '13 and I've got the show on. Within 20 minutes he has stopped playing his game and is freaking out, yelling "BULLSHIT! THAT TOURMALINE BRACELET ISN'T WORTH $250,000!!" and I'm like "ROB.......... IT HAS DIAMONDS IN IT". Rob was super pissed at Sam, saying he is a rip off artist and it almost ended our marriage.

We also play the game What's Sam Eating? because apparently Sam thinks he can eat while doing his TV show. So far we know it has a papery wrapper, not super loud cellophane wrapper and whatever it is pops slightly when he first takes a bite but after than it's not a super loud chewing noise.
Unfortunately, I found out over the weekend Sam is just a vendor so he isn't on regularly scheduled programming so who knows when he'll be on again. So upset right now, I might need to puke.

TV can do some serious shit to your brain. It can make you think you can do things you really can't , or at least shouldn't. It can also affect your mood, your actions and every once in a while BLOW YOUR F'ING MIND!!! Maybe it doesn't happen to everyone but in this household TV influences much of our lives. I am not an avid watcher of American Idol but when it's on, I think I'm allowed to sing. Rob watches Amish Mafia, thinks he can go take over the Amana Colonies. I watch RuPaul's Drag Race, decide I want to be a drag queen someday. Watch DIY network, we think we can remodel shit. Watch HGTV's Renovation Realities, realize that we can't remodel shit. Sons of Anarchy, start a biker gang. I've even made the comment "making moonshine doesn't look that hard.....I mean we got a shed..." Thank God I'm not a Breaking Bad fan....

Now I'm not saying that if a kid plays a video game it'll make them violent and commit heinous crimes, obviously that kid had something f'ed up before he started playing. But the fact of the matter is I've definitely considered stealing cars and beating up prostitutes after a three day Grand Theft Auto game-a-thon. Maybe I'm just that impressionable. And maybe I'm about to drop some mutha flunkin' knowledge on your asses...

Not surprisingly, research has and will continue to be done on the influence of television and video games on peeps. Like you and me, not the little marshmallow chicks of goodness. Cultivation theory is a social theory that examines the effects television has on the people who watch it (a lot) and their perception of life and all things lifey. When I first started edjujucating myself on this theory I was like "This shit is wack, yo." Not just because I had been watching every "Friday" movie ever made but because I thought it is ridiculous and offensive to imply that just because a person happens to watch a unhealthy amount of television, like myself, they are unable to distinguish what is real and what is not, good decisions and bad. But then I kept reading and I came across this gem:

Positive correlation between TV viewing and fear of criminal victimization.
"In most of the surveys Gerbner conducted, the results reveal a small but statistically significant relationship between TV consumption and fear about becoming the victim of a crime. The question at the start of the chapter is illustrative: Those with light viewing habits predict their weekly odds of being a victim are 1 out of 100; those with heavy viewing habits fear the risk 1 out of 10. Actual crime statistics indicate that 1 out of 10,000 is more realistic." Griffin, E. (2012). Communication Communication Communication. McGraw-Hill: New York, (8), 366-377.

Awwwwwwee sheeeeitttt. The reason I found this concerning is because like I said in my post about my jacked up blinker, I am terrified of being murdered. I'm not going to lie, most recently I have encountered an individual, not going to say where but I think you know (it's my workies), who I am pretty sure could possibly turn out to be a serial killer. So on Saturday, when Rob and I went out to eat, we had a discussion and I voiced my concerns to him. I insisted we come up with some sort of contingency plan in the event of a dual kidnapping. Rob's answer was he would do something and I am supposed to run like hell. My answer was sewing tiny pockets inside the back of my pants for a pocket knife to live, conveniently located for when my hands are bound together behind my back. Also we should always keep a specific color of beads in our pockets to leave a Hansel & Gretel style trail for our rescuers to follow. But then Rob made a good point, if we are both kidnapped then who would come looking for us? Thus the dog/rabbit case cracking trio training began! But more realistically, if you ever come across a shit load of beads in a pile on the ground followed by a trail of blood, you'll know I've been kidnapped and my plan took a terrible turn. In the case of that happening, follow the trail of blood, then the trail of urine. One of my plans is to go straight incontinent, limp ragdoll on my captor's ass. Good luck trying to carry a bunch of dead, stinky weight around tough guy. Oh, all of a sudden you're rethinking your life choices? Huh, weird. I would seriously be like the worst kidnapee ever. Whoever stole me would probably drop me back off and immediately drive to the nearest church to find Jesus.

I've thought this through. If/when I get kidnapped it won't be for a ransom, my family doesn't have that kind of money. They could maybe flip a couple coupons their way and we have a few bags of empty cans laying around but that's about it. So that leaves sex crimes and just torture/murder motive. As far so the sex crimes go, I'm not saying I'm gross or anything but take into consideration the following:
1. I'm married, I'm not trying to impress anyone anymore. Pickin' up what I'm, puttin' down? No? How about: I don't shave my legs when I want to, I shave them when I NEED to. Like when it becomes offensive....mull that over, you'll understand eventually.
2. My diet, not that great. Not in terms of my physical being but it the terms that the imminent danger of sharting is frequent in my life. Not a week goes by that we'll be sitting on the couch, me sneakily glancing at Rob out of the corner of my eye, hiss laughing (like Ernie from the Street) followed by an "UH-OH" and a run of shame to the bathroom.
3. I have a plan and it's not learning sweet ju jitsu moves, it's doing whatever I need to do to get in the position to rack someone straight in the junk. And not just one time, as many times as possible until the bad guy falls to the ground. And then I don't plan on running away to call the cops or to escape, I would beat the guy to death. Not only because I have no empathy of scary murder rapists but also so I could use any number of awesome one-liners I've come up with as well. Like if I was in a basement, I'd be all "Good thing we're already six feet under", in a grocery store "Looks like your expiration date is today...", train "Next stop, Death Valley", post office "Return To Sender", hospital "Time of", carnival "Must be this die", sleazy hotel "Looks like it's time for you to check out", massage parlor "No happy ending for you, scumbag", airport "You have reached your final destination", bakery "Death by chocolate (as in proximity)". See, I got mad one liner skills.

Kidnapped for Torture/murder: This one is a little trickier but luckily I'm suuuuuuuper annoying so I don't think anyone choose to keep me around longer than they needed to and that is if they could kidnap me in the first place. It's a catch 22, if I'm not drugged I'd be throwing a raging cow fit, if I am drugged I'll be hard to move without calling attention to the act, because it would take some serious hoist or dolly action. #fatgirlperks!

Well now I've gotten myself all paranoid by thinking someone is going to read this and then, to prove me wrong, they are going to actually kidnap and murder me.... To this person I say: I wasn't talking about you, you could TOTALLY kidnap and murder me. I was talking about someone else, much weaker than you, do not feel the need to prove anything to me! I am not doubting your abilities. Alrighty then I'm going to go play my video game. Until we meet again. Byeeeeee.