Monday, April 27, 2015

I'm Old & Reckless

I figured since I have nothing better to do and plenty of time on my hands, that I would re-enroll in school and start working towards a degree to have some kind of backup plan, just in case. Why not right?  Then I realized, after talking an adviser on the phone, that the college admissions officers are younger than I am. I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN OLD CREEPY PERSON. Ok they aren't THAT much younger than I am but I know for a fact one of them graduated high school the year after me.

I'm already feeling old as fuck while at work and my mom comes in to hit up the used bookstore. I go to find her to say "what up" and the volunteer tells us that "I would have thought you were sisters, not mother & daughter!" My mom is flattered and I'm horrified (no offense to my mom, she does look really young).

I spent the next 25 minutes holding back tears as I whispered to myself, "I never even got to be on Singled Out...." This is my life.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Conversations with Rob: Part 2

Me- "....So I stalked her Facebook page and he doesn't even look the same! I guess you look really different in our wedding pictures. You look REALLY young in ours. You are REALLY gray now."

Rob-"Yeah. You did that to me. Just like Obama went gray, after being in the White House for 8 years."

Me - "........."

Rob- ".............." *paired with a sassy look.*

Me - "Touche. Thanks Obama."

For the record, his hair was way darker in our wedding pictures because I "Just For Men"ned it a few days beforehand.

While I'm on the subject, today marks 10 years together for Rob and I. It's been an interesting decade, we've made good memories and not so good memories. We have created a great life together, despite my antics. I've learned a lot in the last 10 years and I'm so thankful that I've had someone like Rob by my side for the journey.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Love in the Time of Tetris

I play video games. My most prized possession is probably my NES. Before you get any ideas like "Cool! We should totally game together" here is what will happen. I will hog the controller for hours before begrudgingly allow you to play ONE GAME while I sit behind you making noises and muttering under my breath about all your "bad moves bro" and "you dumb motherfucker". And if you mess up my game by breathing too loudly, I will fight you. Ask my sister, even the mention of Donkey Kong brings terror to her eyes and makes her scar hurt, real Harry Potter shite.

But this isn't about me and my bad cattitude, this is about me making you a better Tetris player. So here are some tips:

Center up bitches. Don't sit off to the side, you need to be dead center to judge where the pieces are going to fall.

NEVER build so you are relying on more than one long straight piece, or the I "Tetrimino" at a time. Because you're lucky if you get one when you need it, let alone two.

When you clear four lines at once, it's called a Tetris. Some people like to build up in anticipation of getting an "I" because getting a Tetris is worth more points. Personally, I use the build up strategy through level 6 then it's about just clearing lines for me.

Don't be afraid to lay down an "I" horizontally, especially in high levels where time is not on your side and height is the enemy.

Higher Levels
Once you hit level 8, shit gets real. Speed picks up and you get nervous. I use my peripheral vision to see what piece is coming and plan ahead. DO NOT OVER ROTATE YOUR PIECES, by this level you should know what each piece looks like in each stage of rotation, figure out in your head where it's going to fit before it even drops. That way you can line it up and while it's falling into place you can plan your next piece. Don't second guess yourself, don't change destinations halfway through the turn. This will kill you.
DO NOT HARD DROP. Hard drop is when you hold the down arrow and it increases the piece speed. This is just asking for trouble past level 7.

Those are some of the most important things I can think of, I'm sure there are more but you don't get to know all my secrets. And if you ever want to be screamed at while not being allowed to have a turn, come on over sometime! I love having someone to punch after I rage quit.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Conversations with Rob

In our endeavor to find a treat all the dogs will enjoy, we have been purchasing a variety for them to sample. The other day we received a pack of Himalayan Dog Chews, $9.07 This is the conversation that occurred soon after.

Me-"Bahh. I gotta go back to work, watch them with their  treats. None of them are actually eating them, they are just guarding them. Bella is an asshole."

R- "I'm going to eat them."

Me- "Gross. Don't eat them."

R-"People eat them. I'm going to eat them. They are safe for human consumption. Sherpas eat them"

Me-"Don't eat them, SOME of them are safe for human consumptions. Those specifically, probably are not. Don't eat them, you're not a sherpa."

R- "PSHH. I'm a sherpa!"

Me- "You're not a sherpa."

R- "Yeah I am. I'm a sherpa."

Me- "You're not a sherpa, don't eat them."

R- "UMMMMMM...Pretty SHERpa am....."

Me- "......"

R- "BUK YUK BUK YUK YUK *muppet laugh*"

Me- "Jesus Christ, I'M GOING BACK TO WORK! loveyoubye." *walks out door**comes back in* "That was really funny." *leaves again*