Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Livin' On The Edge

One thing that really sucks about being vulnerable to ones emotions is that in many cases you're always mentally preparing yourself for the worst case scenario. Not every day, what if I spill on my shirt at work, type stuff but anything to do with interpersonal relationships makes me incredibly anxious. So as an attempt to soften the blow for when something bad does occur, I like to live my life just this side of miserable and paranoid. Let me tell you how well this works out for me, not at all. I worry so much about what could happen that I honestly think I bring this shit on myself. I get so caught up in not feeling like I can trust anyone, so convinced that if I open up they are going to hurt me so badly, I refuse to let myself live in the sunshine for any amount of time. I am a mole person, living in the depths of my own self-deprecation, pale and naked and alone. But also poetic as shit.

As much as I try to live with a "It is what it is" attitude, it seems like when it comes to close relationships, which here I am encompassing all types of relationships by the way (family, friends and the other), I fucking fail hard. I'm honestly always looking for the edge of the cliff, the moment my world will come crashing down. Now if I was anyone else telling me this I would say to them, "Hey you pretty little thing, guess what? Even if your significant other cheats on you, even if you stop being besties with your closest friend, even if you have a falling out and never talk to your sister again, shit is going to be ok. That cliff you think you are standing on, isn't a 1000 ft drop, it's only about 3 feet. Yeah, you might fall off it and you might get a couple scratches but after you take a minute to catch your breath, your ass is going to stand back up and you're going to keep going. And you're going to heal. It might takes some time but you will heal. Being afraid all the time isn't any way to live. You have to take those chances, whether it be opening up to someone, or loving someone or trusting someone, you have to take those risks. Don't worry, you are strong and you can do this."

See?! Great advice. But when I talk to myself I say, "Hey sad panda... I know you feel like you need to worry all the time but I'm here to tell's much, MUCH worse than we first thought. Turns out you are not that great and people are going to figure it out. Man, you better hold on to whatever you have with a tight grip. You need to lock it down but make sure they care about you. Be sure to ask a million times. And don't be afraid to be jealous, that's how you show that you care. Oh shit! Was that a text message?! Ask who it was! Quick! WAIT! Better yet, don't ask who it was, just pout about it. If they don't tell you, it's safe to assume they are cheating on you. Wait for them to go to the bathroom, then check their phone. Remember, you are not that great, they could totally do better and will just as soon as they realize what a dumpster fire you are. Also you're getting fat and aliens are real."

Thanks crazy brain! I suuuuper appreciate all your help. You are always there when I need you, ready to talk me off the ledge.

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