Monday, June 27, 2016

The Time I Went To The Doctor.....

So I went in to the doctor last week to get a sensual and romantic pap smear done, as a woman does every couple of years. They do whatever they do, call me obese, tell my to change my lifestyle, scrape the inside of my vag with that wirebrush thing, the usual. Two days later they call me and say, "You have an STD..." Ok not an STD but I did come back with a yeast infection. Which happens to women every once in awhile when our bodies decide that they want to be rouge bastards. Also if you ever ask a girl if she's ever had a yeast infection and she says no...she is a fucking liar. Or maybe her vagina is so jacked up she just never noticed she had one. Either way, probably wouldn't bone her if I was you. So they tell me I have this and I say, "That sucks" and they said "We are sending a prescription in for you" so I say "Cool. Thanks. Much Love. Peace out." and drop my phone like a boss.

I go to pick up that perscription and another one I had waiting for me when I run into Rob. Obviously we are still cool and talk to each other. No T. Swift bad blood between us. I'm chatting with him as we are waiting on our meds and tell him the whole story about the yeast infection. Because after 11 years together, we've both seen some shit so it's not a big deal to talk about that stuff. We get our meds, pay, walk through Target, I get a pop, we pay again. So while we are talking I pull the pill out to take it because I want my lady bits back from the dark forces. I take it right as we walk outside of the store and immediately it gets caught in my throat, I hack it up like a hairball into my hand. It had already started to dissolved and i say, "Does this look weird? Like it was a chewable or something?" and Rob says, "I really don't think they make chewable yeast infection pills...." So I hammer it down, just as I finish my drink of pop he goes, "Wait.....don't you usually have to stick it up there with yeast infections?" I turn to him and my face drops, "Holy...fucking...shit...." He asks, "Didn't you read the instructions?!" Now I'm in a full panic because I didn't, I assumed it was an oral pill, "NO!! WHY WOULD I DO THAT?! HOLY SHIT DID I JUST EAT A VAG PILL?! WHAT DO I DO?! AM I GONNA DIE? DO I NEED TO CALL AND TELL THEM I ATE IT SO I NEED A NEW ONE. OH MY GOD!!!" Let me remind you this is all happening in the parking lot of Target with actual humans around us while I'm screaming my head off. I start throwing things out of my purse looking for the wrapper thing it came in. "OH THANK BABY JESUS. It's a mouth pill." We both laughed about it, said goodbye and parted ways.

And that's the time I was 200% convinced I ate a vaginal suppository.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

THESE......Are The Days Of Our Lives

I can't tell you how many times someone has come up to me and said, "You guys need your own reality show" but if I had to guess, probably 7. I'm like yeah, cool, definitely but then I take a look at my life and realize the only reality show I have a chance of being on would be Intervention. Or Hoarders. Or anything they air at 4 in the morning on TruTV but less tow trucks.

I would demand it be a full on reality show too. No producers butting in trying to get ratings, we wouldn't need them. I mean look at all the stuff I blog about, that's all the crap I don't mind sharing on the Internet. People I know in real life read this shit. Now imagine all the other stuff that goes on that I'm either too mortified or not allowed to blog about. Oh yeah, that's money. I mean we might have a few uneventful days but when something goes down, it goes down for real. I'm not even trying to sound like a badass, in fact most of the time I am busy covering up the chaos. My entire life is just a distraction to keep society from finding out what a bunch of eff-up people we are. I mean, we are cool as shit but sometimes things get a little crazy so we offset it with a lot of crazy. Because, you know, logic. I'm fairly certain we ruin at least one outsiders life per year.

Someday I'll write a memoir and never be able to to show my face in public again.Well, I might be able to, if I move to like a remote village in the Amazon or something. That or no one would believe me and it would end up some reverse James Frey "A Million Little Pieces" fiasco where it's published as fiction, everyone thinks it's great but then they find out it's actually a memoir but instead of feeling lied to, they just feel really awful and filthy inside. Which is fine with me, my main goal in life is to make people feel awful and filthy so I'd call that mission accomplished.

Lately our lives have been less entertaining reality show and more Maury with sporadic injections of those weird Japanese game show segments or whatever the hell Wayne Brady does for a living. Something with costumes and very sad clowns. I can't lie, it's very mentally exhausting and hard to keep up on. You have to remember who you're currently pissed at and why. Eventually enough time passes where you just end up forgetting and you start talking to them then someone will bring up a something that happened two months and you think, 'Oh yeah...HEY! Screw you!" and threaten to shave off their eyebrows or just keep asking them, " was your orange juice?" Or " would be a shame if you were to be pulled over...considered what's currently in your car...."

I have seriously considered, one time, this morning, while pooping, that I should just start video taping us. Just to see what happens. I could throw it on YouTube, sit back and wait for the trolls to roll in and start talking shit. Then our new reality show would be the fat ugly love child of Catfish and Squidbillies. We would all wear shirts with cut off sleeves and track down the assholes who wrote I was a ratchet bitch that needs a tan. So basically Dog the Bounty Hunter....which after the initial dry heaving I just had thinking about that show, I'm alright with that.

Stay tuned you adorable little flying fish, this might actually happen.... and yo,TruTV, hit me up.

Monday, June 20, 2016


I guess now that it has been made "Facebook official" by husband, it's time to let people know what is going on in our lives. After 11 years, and many, many changes on both our sides we have decided to get a divorce. Yes, there are obviously a lot of emotions but overall it is the best decision. I've had many people comment "But you guys seemed so good together!" True, we did have a million awesome times together but personally for myself there were things missing that I needed in our marriage that I wasn't able to get from him. Our closest friends will tell you, both of us are amazing people but just because amazing people are together doesn't always make it work. This isn't something that was rushed into, there have been feelings of incompleteness on my part for awhile and I'd been quietly mourning the lost of a marriage on my own for quite some time. We talked about it several times and we tried, we really did, but things never lined up the way they needed to. Everyday I would wake up hoping I would feel differently, that he would fill that hole I needed filled (not in a perverted way), that it was just my disorder screwing with me but I soon realized that wasn't it.

Towards the end, I wasn't giving him enough respect, I stopped trying and I didn't want there to be so much animosity between us that things would get ugly. I don't want to hate anyone and I don't want anyone hating me, especially someone I spent such an enormous part of my life growing with. There is no love lost in this separation. I have no regrets and I am incredibly grateful for Rob and what he has given me and helped me become over the years. I was with him since 18 years old, he is 85% responsible for the 29 year old woman I have become. He has been a determining factor in the person I have grown to be, especially the awesome parts.

I've seen couples who you can tell should have been divorced a long time ago but are still together, I don't feel it's fair for either person to go through that when they could have moved on and continued their lives. I've also seen terrible divorces full of hatred, selfishness and jealousy and didn't want any ill feelings to come between us, though I would never fault him if he did feel some of that towards me. It's just a shit situation. Of course we are hurting and sad but for the sake of us both, I believe it was the right decision.

Speaking of changes, besides the obvious emotional stuff and growing as individuals, there is a more literal sense to the word. I've been extremely lucky in the last few years to never want for anything, ever. Due to our separation, pending divorce and trying to pay off some mutual bills to make everything go more smoothly, my lifestyle is taking a major hit in the way of finances. I'm slowly getting used to the idea of transitioning from two incomes to just one and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it. I was maniac this weekend and spent too much money on dumb shit but at least I have a tennis racket, two fishing nets, jeggings, shorts, a couple new shirts, sunglasses and some other stuff (but not new boat shoes, my brother cut me off before I could buy them)  Not just that but I only know how to show my love by buying things for people and it is seriously a terrible habit. I also can't say no because I feel like people might hate me or think I don't care about them if I can't give them what they want. I do draw lines but it's super hard for me. Back to my point, today I had an eye-opening experience. I was buying a pop at work and looking for change in my purse, not just change, I had to use pennies. If you know me, I have this super weird thing about touching change that is mixed all together but especially if pennies are involved, I hate it. I absolutely hate it, so much so I usually just throw the pennies out, in the garbage. I know it's totally #basicbitchproblems and I'm sure people will reading this and be disgusted but it's the truth. Even I know it's completely ridiculous so don't feel bad hating on me at all. They are just weird and gross and it makes my almost sick handling them. I have a lot of weird quirks, I'm not proud.

Overall, there are a lot of emotions. I can't say there isn't. When you are with someone that long, changes happen and it can really fuck up your plans. Luckily the universe knows what it's doing and you can rely on the fact that you will eventually end up where you are supposed to be. At least that's what I am doing.