Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Animal Control

There is something you should know about me, I have a habit of picking up stray animals. In fact, the last time I picked up two dogs the animal control guy gave me a leash to keep in my car. I almost always have a leash in my car but I took two of them out just a week or two before, so he offered me one to leave in there, you know, for all the stray dog catching I do. I have been around animals my entire life. I can tell by their body language how they are feeling, I don't lack common sense and I'd never full on approach an animal if I felt like I was putting myself in unnecessary danger. Unless I looked into it's eyes and could see the good in it. Much like those women who fall in love with serial killers spending life in prison. LET ME FIX YOU!

I had the leash in my car and I thought to myself "HEY. This is great for dogs...but what about the other critters?" Of course! I'll throw the rabbit's carrier in there too, Magnus won't mind. I rolled around town for a couple weeks with my carrier and leash until the husband needed to use the vehicle. Let's just say he was NOT on board with my idea of outfitting the unlimited (my Ford Escape) with all my critter control tools. I also told him that he couldn't be my deputy and assigned him to evidence collection and hazmat crew. Basically his job is cleaning up any poop accidents. He immediately resigned and told me to take the carrier out of the blankity-blank car.

Low and behold, last week I was tagged in a post asking if my rabbit was out running around a neighborhood a few blocks from me. It was not Mags, he was safe and cozy in the house, it was another pet bunny that had either escaped of been "freed". So I took it upon myself to save this rabbit's life. I messaged the person who posted the initial picture but by that time it had run off and hid. Two days later I received a pm that it came back. My niece and I jumped in the critter control vehicle when I got off work and off we went wabbit huntin'. By some miracle, I had the rabbit caught and secured in about 15 minutes. It went waayyy better than anyone ever imagined. Everyone came out unscathed and Ellie and I looked as professionally badass as a 7 year old in cowboy boots and a 28 year old in a TMNT shirt running around with a banana singing "Bad bun, bad bun. Whatcha gon doo, whatcha gon do when dey come fa you.." softly under their breath could possibly look. Yes, rabbits love bananas and yes I wear my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt A LOT and yes I like having a soundtrack to go with everything I do.

I dropped off my deputy at her house and headed back to headquarters with the new little fella. Yes, it is definitely a boy. He had very prominent testicles. I made him up some temporary housing to chill in for a couple days until we found the owner or I could take him to a rescue. I did get a ton of judgmental looks from everyone in the household. I don't know why, bringing in stray, possibly diseased animals seems like a brilliant idea. Plus it's not like I was confident I would catch the thing. I mean it's an damn rabbit, who in the hell catches an effing rabbit? I just figured I'd give it a go so I could feel less guilty when I passed it on the way to work sometime the following week, dead in the middle of the road. I was just as surprised as anyone that I actually caught him. Considering how thin he was, he probably just didn't have it in him to fight me off. That and rabies.

A couple things I learned during this rabbit saving adventure:

#1. Not all rabbits are fluffy little clouds of fur like Magnus. Granted this stranger danger rabbit was pretty dirty from being out in the wilderness but even his little head furs are much coarser than Maggie's.

#2. If they aren't raised with dogs from 6 weeks old, they are terrified of them. Obviously I knew this but when my dogs came trotting down the stairs to check things out, I was not expecting this rabbit to go full on boxing stance and try to fight me while I was changing his water. Everyone is so use to our little chillaxin' bunny that even the dogs were like "WTF?! Why is this guy freaking out?!"

#3. Rabbits are not like dogs. Out of curiosity, I took Mags downstairs to observe the other rabbit, just to see what would happen. I figured it would be fine since they were separated by the cage and I would make sure my house bunny didn't get close to or touch anything near the outdoor bunny's cage, for health reasons. Well, didn't really have to worry because they barely even made eye contact before Magnus realized he's never explored the basement and took off to see what he could find. Neither rabbit could care less about the other one.

Something I have definitely realized is what an awesome rabbit I have in Magnus, not that there is anything wrong with the found bunny, he just isn't my baby. The new bunny is now safe at the Animal Rescue League, awaiting his new home. I hope he finds someone to love him as much as I love my little punkin.

Also I couldn't outright cry when dropping him off, I had an audience of my bestie, her daughter and my niece and I was trying to use it as a learning experience for the little girls that we were doing a very good thing for da bun. Believe me, if those kids weren't there I would have been a blubbering fool. Full on, curled up on the ground while using my legs to spin myself in a circle while ugly crying. The pain was real.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Major Events

Yes, I'm slacking on the posting but I have a legitimate reason. I've decided to quit my job, sell my belongings and move out to LA to follow my dreams of being an actor. I'm leaving my friends and family in hopes to become a star. Do I feel bad? A little but I've decided that I can't live my life for everyone around me anymore, I have to live it for me. You one get one life and sometimes you have to make hard decisions.  It's time for me to be selfish and just do it........

is what I would say if I ever decided to do that. I'm not 100% on the wording but that's what I've been busy doing. Making up fake speeches in case I ever have to make a major announcement in my life. Here is another one:

Ahem, excuse me everyone I have an announcement. After much consideration and self reflection, I have decided to join the Church of Scientology. My very good friend, John Travolta has committed his time to helping me in my conversion. I am excited to be working under world-renowned Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant, Beaker in their ongoing endeavor to finally prove that...what? What do you mean that's not what Scientology is...It's what?! That doesn't even make any sense. L. Ron who? Oh yeah that sci-fi author..The leader?! What do you mean "leader", like department head? Well yeah, I mean I thought the church part seemed a little weird but....Oh shit. Ok...yeah..yeah I didn't know that at all. This was a mistake. I was thinking it was something completely different. Ok, I need a minute to figure some shit out....

Then there is my retirement speech:

Thank you all for being here today, I am truly honored and grateful. If you would have told me 103 years ago when I first started at the library that someday I would be owing my great success to my Persian Mechacat boss after a simple mistake in a lab caused millions of tainted vials of cat vaccines to be shipped and administered to millions of felines all over the world, causing them to quickly evolve into hyper intelligent beings who then took control of all the major financial markets, ceasing economic struggle, creating jobs and masterfully overseeing this globalized, yet surprisingly well functioning, ultra safe world of ours, I would have laughed and said, "Without thumbs?!" and you would have replied, "No, the whole evolution thing gave them thumbs.." which I would retort, "Oh duh. Sorry. I am really, REALLY hungover this morning." Which is why I'd like to dedicate this toast to you, Doctor Maurice Fluffybottom. Your understanding, compassion and strong work ethic has always encouraged me to do my best. You have never hesitated to roll up your tiny, cat sleeves and jump in when we needed help. You have been a champion for the human and feline right to information and intellectual freedoms across the territory. You are truly a gentlecat and a scholar...

I also started writing one


I'm not sure in what context I'll use that one for. Maybe like a birthday party or something. So yeah, as you can see, I've been pretty busy with that so not a lot of time for blogging. Hopefully I'll get back into a normal routine here soon.

Monday, March 2, 2015

I'm not pregnant. But that might not be all that bad.

Because I am nosy myself, I have a natural sympathy for all those other people out there who like knowing what other people have going on in their lives, I'm going to update you quickly on our whole pregnancy journey. There isn't really one. We both did minor testing with the OB/GYN here and found out we had issues. He told us he unfortunately couldn't do anything else for us at this point and we should head down to the fertility clinic and see what they say. I printed off some of the initial paperwork for the consultation, which included an insurance questionnaire to find out what is covered and what isn't. Our insurance covers very little, as in absolutely none of the actual procedures. And although we might have the money to start the process, we won't have the money to continue it. So we rather just back burner it at this point.
This is my my explanation on why we are currently paused in our epic battle of procreation. Now for the part where we pretend not to be bitter and I try to uplift everyone's spirits with humor.

Not getting immediately pregnant has come with a few benefits, believe it our not. What most men don't understand, at least speaking from my own experience of owning lady bits and pretty much being a medical professional, is that the yearning to become a mother comes deep down from our hormonal uteruses. I like to call it the H-hole. It's like a black hole but shoots out feelings. This is the same place that makes me attempt to rip the refrigerator door off a couple times a month because I wanted cereal but some IDIOT drank all the god damn milk. See me, over there crying because my pants look too short on me today? Blame my H-Hole.That death glare I'm giving the 76 year old lady at Target because even though I wasn't going to buy that shirt I was looking at it with my eyes from 7 aisles over so technically it already belongs to me? Thanks a lot, H-hole.

Having to really work at something tends to give you a lot of time to think decisions through. After several months, much of the emotions start to give way to actual reasoning. Kids are a huge responsibility. You are in charge of raising a human being and keeping them alive and in decent condition. And here is the kicker, just because they turn 12 (or 18 or whatever) doesn't mean you can stop being a parent. Personally I don't know if I want to be the subject of some internally shattered, yet devastatingly good looking adult's therapy session and knowing who I am, it's a possibility that will be the case if I have a child. I tend to teeter right on the edge of sanity and some of the things I do even catch me off guard. I really don't need a little, tiny shadow running around lighting little, tiny fires next to my great big ones. Even if that does sound super fun and we would be best friends.

Kids are expensive as FUUUUUUdge. Quality fudge. Know what's even more expensive? Paying upwards of $16,000 for IVF just to try having one. If the thought of paying $40 for a bag of fancy dog food makes my eye twitch when my dogs stare and bark at me just to be jerks, I can't imagine the passive aggressive shit I would unleash on an ungrateful 15 year old who thinks they can tell me what to do in my own house. I'd immediately slip an invoice under their door... first payments due on the 15th jackass. Better keep up on it too, I will send my own child to collections to prove a point, I am not that mature. Yeah, you better go find Dad.

Not only am I unreasonable, I'm also sensitive. One morning my niece was telling me about another kid at school who was being mean to her. In the five blocks it took to drive her to school, I had already decided to quit my job and homeschool her but not until after I stormed in the school and chewed out the principal for not doing their job and allowing this heinous bullying to happen. After worrying all day, I stopped by my sister's after work and showed Ellie my phone, "Is this the girl?!" "Yeah" she replied. Good, I thought, because I tracked down her, her mom, her grandma (on both sides) and have already memorized their addresses and phone numbers. With tears in my eyes, I rose my fist to the heavens and shouted, "DON'T WORRY SQUID! I WILL AVENGE YOUR HONOR!!" and she says, "It's ok Auntie, we're friends now. We played at recess." .............WHAT KIND OF SICK MIND GAMES DO YOU FIRST GRADERS PLAY THESE DAYS?! Hours earlier I was fully prepared to go to prison over this shit and now you're friends??! I preemptively joined a gang for you!!! Do you know how hard it is to find a legitimate gang with a heavy focus on philanthropy yet still has mad street cred in our area?! I only had like two to choose from.

Kids are super frustrating. I think back to when Ellie was just a little bug. She was adorable but she could be so, so naughty. Like running off in a store and hiding behind the toilet paper.... or crying over every little thing that happened, good or bad. Or the entire summer when she repeatedly would only eat the frosting off the tops of cupcakes and throw the rest in the trash.
"Ok, if I give you this cupcake do you PROMISE that you won't just lick the frosting off and throw the rest away?"
"Ok..remember you promised..."
"I prooomiiissse...." in her squeaky, little singsong voice.
Hands her cupcake, she licks all the frosting off, gets all squinty eyed and says, "IIII don't think I like this...." throws in trash.

She was literally banned from eating any cupcakes, cookies or whatever else had frosting on it for like a year. We still don't trust her completely.

But damn was she cute. Look at that little arctic seal baby. Awwww. She's older now but still as cute with the added bonus of the funny things she says. I love her so much.

So that's it. I promise to make these posts shorter some day.