Friday, September 26, 2014

Livin' Life in the Danger Zone or "It's not herpes, you a-hole!"

It's not always clear what is right and what is wrong but sometimes it's very, very obvious. Which makes it all the more messed up when you still choose the wrong thing. This is about the point I imagine religion becomes incredibly handy. Just ask the spirit in the sky, they can tell you what to do. Just pick up this book, it will tell you cautionary tales to use as metaphors for this exact situation. Unfortunately, being someone who isn't religious (or as my mom likes to say "a hell bound pagan") I don't have any kind of preset standard to live up to. I have to look to myself for advice and for some reason the universe gifted me with my very best friend in the world Lynsey. She is literally the only one other person in my life I feel like I can tell my deepest feelings to. She doesn't judge me, please take a second to acknowledge what an extremely heavy statement that is. Everyone judges everyone, but I honestly feel she doesn't judge me. I used to think I had other people in my life I could talk to but very recently it was made clear to me that not passing judgement is almost an impossible trait to come by. Which is fine, it's human nature to size someone up. But whenever I feel like I just have to talk to someone, it's Lynsey. Or myself. Which can end very badly.

It's not that I'm a bad advice-giver, I think I'm pretty good at it. It's just that I'm defiant as hell, I'm a bad advice-taker. Even to myself. I'm all "Hey. Be sure to look both ways before you pull out onto that street.." and then I reply "I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE!!" And pull out like a maniac without looking. Why? I have no freaking idea. Apparently I have some kind of death wish or want to ruin my life for some reason. Why do we do things that we know are dangerous or stupid? I tend to over think things, so I know perfectly well when I am about to do something completely idiotic. But I'm am damn good at convincing myself that the immediate satisfaction is worth the overwhelming risk that I do it anyways, knowing exactly what the consequences could be.

By this time you should know how much I love giving examples so here it is:
As you may or may not have read in previous posts, I have this issue with taking pointy objects to my face with the idea that it will make my skin look smooth and lovely. Not in a gory, horror film way but in a "I like to pretend I am some kind of dermatologist" kind of way. So the other night, I go to the bathroom and notice what appears to be a blackhead between my nose and my lip. A very sensitive place, mind you. I slowly reach for the X-acto blade and the 3-in-1 extractor tool from Sephora ($23, and begin imagining my life without this nearly invisible to anyone but myself blemish.
Am I a trained professional? No.
Have I done this before? Yes.
Did it end badly? Of course it did.
So long story short, the next morning I woke up with a hideous lesion near my upper lip that looks, according to Google image search and strangers, like herpes. Needless to say I spent my weekend indoors, out of the public eye. I did, however, muster the courage to go to work on Monday morning, only to have my co-worker ask me, LOUDLY, what was on my face within 5 minutes of being there, in front of the whole world. Thanks, jerk. Also the husband had zero sympathy towards my plight and every time I would begin to pout and yell "LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT MY PAIN!" he would reply "WELL?! Stop taking knives to your face."

The moral to this story is: If you know something is a bad idea, you probably shouldn't do it. Because you might end up looking like you have herpes, or worse, you might get an actual STD.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

School of Hard Knocks

Once upon a time, I was in a play. Yes, this is about Annie again. Last rehearsal, I had to actually sing my part in front of everyone. I chalked the audition nervousness up to being in front of a bunch of people I barely knew. Well turns out I have this GOD DAMN stage fright bullshit. Lines, would have been fine. Comedy, presentations, I can handle that but I just WANTED, PLEADED for this dang singing solo. How was I supposed to know I wasn't going to be able to sing in front of a ton of people? Besides the fact I can't even sing in my own house if someone else is home, or in front of my family, or my friends? Shocker! Now if it were a room full of my dogs, I'd rock the shit out of it. My dogs LOVE to listen to me sing. They follow me into my studio aka the guest room full of books, craft stuff, clothes and my keyboard squeezed in there and let me serenade them for hours. But I get in front of people, nice people who were probably looking at me very sympathetically but I didn't notice since I was too busy LITERALLY dying from embarrassment, and my mind decides it would be a great time to screw with me.

Brain- "Hey guurll heeeeyyyy"
Me- "Shut the hell up brain, I'm trying to concentrate!"
Brain- "Oh my bad! I just have something to tell you! Just real quick. Just REEEEAAALLLLLL QUUUIICCKKKKKK. REEEAAAALLL QUUIIICCKK, REAL QUICK"
Me- "Damnit! What?!"
Brain- "OK! SO! Remember that time....when we were really 5 or 6...when we were in Girl Scouts? Remember we were doing that show? It was in that cabin at that park with the big lake? ....and we were like wearing that construction paper duck mask? ......and you had to say that line....."
Me- ".........don't you do it....don't you bleeping do this to me, brain....."
Brain- "Yeaaaah...remember that?...and we had to do that line...and we couldn't do it? And we just started crying REALLY HARD and couldn't breath...and that Natalie girl had to do our line for us because we were ruining the ENTIRE show? Remember that?!'S RIGHT NOW!!!!  STUPID LITTLE DUCKLING!!"
Me- *angry tears* "You the devil brain, you the devil."

Guys, it was awful. I just murdered it and everything from that point on, I was done. There was no coming back, any bit of confidence I had was shattered. I barely got through the rest of the rehearsal. A couple big hearted people told me I did a good job but compared to how I sound at home, singing with my dogs, it was horrible. I text my husband and told him what happened. His advice was to close my eyes and pretend they weren't there. That may have worked for Ray Charles all those years but I don't think I could pull that off. I wanted to quit. But I'm no quitter...hahaha just kidding, I quit halfway through everything. Fortunately or unfortunately, I made a commitment and I need to follow through. I guess I'm going to have to beg and/or pay some very patient and/or homeless people to sacrifice a few minutes of their time to help me get over this issue. Who knows, maybe I'll get my part taken away, which would be really awkward come Opening Night when I shank whoever takes my spot and use their blood as war paint as I belt out MY solo.
(Dear police, this is just a tasteless joke. It's kind of my thing. Please do not arrest me.)

Well I'm off to google "how many drinks do I need to overcome stage fright" and "cheap, high capacity bra flasks".  Stay thirsty my friends.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Drama Queen or How to Make Your Life Seem Like A Movie!

I have been called a drama queen for as long as I can remember. Not just because of the tantrums I have been perfecting for 28 years but also because I sometimes lose touch with "reality". Not really, but people think I do. It has come up more than once from my husband, several times in the pre-marriage counseling sessions we had in fact. "She thinks life is like some kind of movie!" Yeah, ok, I know life isn't a movie but shit man, it's way more fun to pretend it is. If it helps me get through the day then what's the big deal? So you might have to play along with it once in awhile, is it really going to kill you to go dance in the backyard under the supermoon for 5 goddamn minutes with me? Is it really going to disrupt your schedule that much to pretend we are running from the cops or doing a party montage to an, at most, 4 minute song?? You can't let me have one emotional charged monologue once every few months? Seriously world. Get the fuck over yourself and your reality.

How to make your like seem like a movie

1. Spend a day lounging around, don't do your hair or makeup, don't shower, wear sweatpants, be as gross as possible. Basically every Saturday in my household. THEN make plans to go out, take shower, do your hair and makeup, get dressed up and TADA! IS THIS SOME KIND OF UGLY DUCKLING TURNED BEAUTIFUL SWAN STORY?! LOOK AT HOW FABULOUS YOU ARE! MOVIE MAGIC!!

2. Go for a car ride with friends. Put on an awesome song such as "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Have someone driving, wearing retro sunglasses, a passenger stare out the window at the edge of the road and power line poles, doing that little making waves thing out the window in the wind. If you have another friend, have them sit in the center of the back seat and do something funny and then all of you silent laugh at them. This makes a great beginning or ending to your brain film.

3. Have a dramatic "I just don't know what I am doing anymore" moment. This is easy because you can do this while in the middle of absolutely anything. All you do is close your eyes, put one hand on your forehead, the other on something nearby to keep yourself from falling over and quietly weep while moving your shoulders up and down in a dramatic fashion. Do it while: loading the dishwasher, doing laundry, looking at yourself in the mirror, cleaning, after yelling at your dogs for not getting the dance steps right, literally anytime.

4. Next is the "NO. I CAN DO THIS." moment. This happens sometime after #3. Do a heavy sigh, stand up straight, shoulders back and walk with purpose. Yes, YOU CAN! Don't do this while playing "Eye of the Tiger" in your brain jukebox though. That's so overdone.

5. Romantic scenes can vary, dancing outside in the moonlight, go outside and kiss when it's raining, lay in the grass holding hands.Since this involves another person, sometimes it's best to just skip this unless they are totally committed. Otherwise it will be half assed and stupid. What? I'm not bitter....I'M NOT.

All of these things should be done with a sweet, sweet soundtrack playing either in your head or with your phone.It's guaranteed to back your life more entertaining and slightly more bearable. Hell, take it one step further, and pull out "The Director". Anytime you are in a situation that you really rather not be in just yell "CUT! CHANGE SCENE!" and hustle away. No one will know what the heck is going on and you have just given yourself at least a 10 second head start. *Disclaimer* this spiffy move is best used for awkward social situations but not really events such as funerals, police interrogations, or anything else that is actually serious.