Milestones Giveaway!!

Over 10,500 HITS! Holy shit guys, this is mind blowing. Sure some of them were from the creepy Russian in his tundra shack but still! My blog has been clicked over 10,000 times! Even if you minus the spam sites, talking to you vampirestats.com, I'm still over 10,000 hits so that is seriously awesome!

To celebrate this good feeling, I've decided to have a giveaway. I'll be giving away two mugs. One is very similar to one of my favorite coffee cups, that I recently accidentally dropped and busted the handle off but still use because I am dangerous as hellllll. The other will be a custom made coffee mug featuring the Life with Lavenders logo or some shit plus a surprise picture! I have no idea how to do this giveaway thing so I guess comment below to be entered or get on Facebook, like the Life With Lavenders page if you haven't already and then share the page with your friends. Then maybe comment on the Facebook post that you did it, so I get notified. Like I said, no idea what I'm doing. And I know, its a lot of work but for fuck's sake, you could get a free coffee/vodka mug. Everyone loves free shit.

Mug #1

Stolen from Amazon.com. Sorry bout it.

Mug #2

So yeah! I'm super excited about this! I'll actually try to not procrastinate and get these shipped/delivered to their rightful winners in a decent time frame as well. My promise to you. Anyways to give people plenty of time I will post this tonight Monday, August 29th and will give people until sayyyyy...September 6th to do the damn thing.

Yay! Prizes!

Livin' On The Edge

One thing that really sucks about being vulnerable to ones emotions is that in many cases you're always mentally preparing yourself for the worst case scenario. Not every day, what if I spill on my shirt at work, type stuff but anything to do with interpersonal relationships makes me incredibly anxious. So as an attempt to soften the blow for when something bad does occur, I like to live my life just this side of miserable and paranoid. Let me tell you how well this works out for me, not at all. I worry so much about what could happen that I honestly think I bring this shit on myself. I get so caught up in not feeling like I can trust anyone, so convinced that if I open up they are going to hurt me so badly, I refuse to let myself live in the sunshine for any amount of time. I am a mole person, living in the depths of my own self-deprecation, pale and naked and alone. But also poetic as shit.

As much as I try to live with a "It is what it is" attitude, it seems like when it comes to close relationships, which here I am encompassing all types of relationships by the way (family, friends and the other), I fucking fail hard. I'm honestly always looking for the edge of the cliff, the moment my world will come crashing down. Now if I was anyone else telling me this I would say to them, "Hey you pretty little thing, guess what? Even if your significant other cheats on you, even if you stop being besties with your closest friend, even if you have a falling out and never talk to your sister again, shit is going to be ok. That cliff you think you are standing on, isn't a 1000 ft drop, it's only about 3 feet. Yeah, you might fall off it and you might get a couple scratches but after you take a minute to catch your breath, your ass is going to stand back up and you're going to keep going. And you're going to heal. It might takes some time but you will heal. Being afraid all the time isn't any way to live. You have to take those chances, whether it be opening up to someone, or loving someone or trusting someone, you have to take those risks. Don't worry, you are strong and you can do this."

See?! Great advice. But when I talk to myself I say, "Hey sad panda... I know you feel like you need to worry all the time but I'm here to tell you....it's much, MUCH worse than we first thought. Turns out you are not that great and people are going to figure it out. Man, you better hold on to whatever you have with a tight grip. You need to lock it down but make sure they care about you. Be sure to ask a million times. And don't be afraid to be jealous, that's how you show that you care. Oh shit! Was that a text message?! Ask who it was! Quick! WAIT! Better yet, don't ask who it was, just pout about it. If they don't tell you, it's safe to assume they are cheating on you. Wait for them to go to the bathroom, then check their phone. Remember, you are not that great, they could totally do better and will just as soon as they realize what a dumpster fire you are. Also you're getting fat and aliens are real."

Thanks crazy brain! I suuuuper appreciate all your help. You are always there when I need you, ready to talk me off the ledge.

Transparency

I love getting compliments on my writing. That may make me sound conceited but it's true. They are some of the only compliments I can truly take will full gratitude and believe them. All the other things like, you are beautiful or you look pretty today, are a lot harder for me to heard because, well, low self esteem. But writing is something I've always loved and I do believe that I excel at it. Though I appreciate and am overjoyed by anyone's compliments, those from fellow writers basically make me brain-gasam because I assume they know what they are taking about. I never studied English or writing in a serious manner, I just type or pen my thoughts so props from people who are professionals at the craft are amazing to me.

I had a fellow writer comment the other day that I write "so openly" which I replied, "To a fault". The reason I say this is because my open style of writing does come with some backlash. Putting yourself completely out there as I do doesn't come easy. Not only do you have to get past that personal hurdle of feeling like you are oversharing but people have used what I've written against me, several times. Mostly from family who say, "I can't believe you just put that out there for everyone to read. Why?!" Well, because I understand that others can relate to me and my situations. And if they can't relate, it hopefully brings them some kind of feeling. Whether it's anger, sadness, joy, laughter, for lack of a better word, I am willing to sacrifice my privacy for the feelings of others. I also have to worry about my job. I would hope that nothing I write would negatively impact my position but there is always that fear. Even if I couldn't get fired, if some of the public I work with read my blog, they would have a much different view of me than what they see when they come in for programming or to check out books. Especially after the last few bat shit crazy posts I blogged. Just to reassure all you who have to come in contact with me, all my shit, does not affect my work life. I strictly forbid it to.

Being transparent comes with a cost. It makes you very vulnerable to the world in a deeply personal way. Your feelings and thoughts will be brought up during a fight, you will unintentionally hurt people's feelings, you may portray yourself in an unflattering way. There are so many reasons not to do what I do but I will never stop because it gives me life. It gives me purpose. It helps me get through the rough stuff. By typing it all out, I'm giving a big middle figure to my problems and saying, "You know what, screw you. I'm not going to let you consume me. I'm going to take you out of my brain and put you somewhere where I can see you and just see you for what you are."

Writing is my therapy and I'll be damned if I'll let some adverse responses take away something so important in my life. That being said, if you've got a question about something I've written, ask me about it. If you don't like the answer, tough shit. This life is my story, I'll write it however the fuck I want. (Sorry for swearing in my blog, Mom. I know you hate it.)

What's With The Cutting?

The number one question I get, besides "Are you ok? You look like shit..." is "What's with the cutting?" I know, unless you've been there it's a super hard things to wrap your brain around. There are a lot of questions people have. Why do you do it? Are you trying to kill yourself? Why would someone purposely hurt themselves? What do you get from it? What about the scars? Why would you ruin your body like that? Doesn't it hurt? I don't understand, why?!

Well, I can't speak for everyone but I can give you some insight into why I do the things I do. So let's do the damn thing, shall we?

Are you trying to kill yourself?
No, I'm not. I think cutting and bleeding out is not a good way to end it all and because it does not hold that significance to me, I would not choose that route. Yeah, that whole sentence is kind of fucked up. Unless you're brand new here, you should know by now it's par for the course.
 
Why do you do it? Why would someone purposely hurt themselves? What do you get from it?
Like I talked about here, I have a disorder that likes to fuck with my life. Long story short, my brain feels emotions much more intensely than a regular brain. So much so, that when these emotions kick in it's very overwhelming to me. Some studies I have looked into say it has to do with abnormalities in the amygdala and the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex areas of the brain, density and what have you, therefore completely fucking with how people with BPD process emotion. Which is why very unfortunately, this disorder can't be treated with any medication, only the triggers can, the anxiety, depression, that jazz. So what does it all mean? It means once I get triggered, it is extremely hard for me to calm myself down, which affects my thinking. It feels like the most angry or sad you've ever been times 100. Like my heart is going to burst, there is so much adrenaline, followed by confusion and an internal battle of what the fuck to do. The rational part of my brain fights with the crazy part and it really is exhausting as shit.And all this can happen over something little, like a break up or if I'm particularly emotionally vulnerable that day, an disagreement on the pronunciation of a word. It also takes my brain much longer to calm down than a normal brain, just peachy.

So why cutting? Because when I was younger, I somehow discovered that I could reduce the overwhelming inner hurt by replacing it with physical pain when these episodes happened. So pretty much when I get to the point of pacing back and forth, feeling like I'm going to literally explode, I try to replace that feeling with pain, that compared to the emotions, doesn't last long at all. It also takes concentration, I have to focus on something other than the emotion and the situation. Starting to get it yet?

Doesn't it hurt?
Well...yeah. Or course it hurts, haven't you ever accidentally cut yourself before? It hurts a lot, usually for several days after as well. Unfortunately, that's the whole point so....

What about the scars? Why would you ruin your body like that?
I can't say there aren't scars. I have scars. Mostly on my thighs but some on my wrists and a couple on my upper arm. Any of the visible scars were done impulsively, the others were more planned out. Sometimes I would hurt for hours and hours before finally being able to self sooth. I am lucky that my scars are not bad, I have seen a lot worse. Yes, I've had people noticed them. Yes, I usually would lie about what happened. I still do sometimes.

So how are you?
I'm actually doing a lot better. I haven't been using cutting as a coping mechanism lately. When I have, it's brief and very superficial. I've been able to recognize when I am getting weird or on the verge of a breakdown and ask for help, I was able to get through an episode the other night while in a room full of people without having to leave which is a pretty big deal. I still have bad days and I still have times when my day is completely screwed because my emotions are so high.

What would you say to someone who self harms or is thinking of doing it?
Well there are a lot of reasons why someone decides to self harm but in every case I would tell them don't. It's not healthy and it doesn't even work. Whether it's cutting, burning, picking, whatever, it's a temporary fix that doesn't last and doesn't make the problem go away. If you ever want to feel peace, if you are sick of feeling overwhelmed and sick of hurting, you have to take steps towards recovery and the first step is to stop hurting yourself. You are hurting enough, you don't need to do it any more. Write, paint, run, scream, just stop hurting yourself. It's going to be hard and it's going to take time. There are going to be relapses but keep trying. You are worth it, even if you don't feel that way sometimes, listen to me when I say, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Insignificant yet life altering traumas: Accidents Happen

Once upon a time, back in my party days, I used to have a strange admiration for Drunk Rachel. She always seemed to have great ideas and could do just about anything until she tried it. From hurdling objects in wet grass to cooking pizza, there was never any hesitation that anything would ever go wrong. Until it always did. Luckily for Drunk Rachel, Sober Rachel was always there the next day to clean up her messes. Scraping burnt pizza out of the oven, tending to ass bruises...any aftermath was on Sober Rachel.

One night after a visit with her friends at the bar, Drunk Rachel decided it was time to sober up a little and head home. As she left the bar, she thought to herself "Hmm...I want a chicken sandwich" and took a detour through Hardee's. As she pulled up, she debated waiting in line, even though it was late, there were a shitload of cars ahead of her. She decided that chicken sandwiches are worth the wait, pulled up and waited to order. After ordering she waiting patiently in line. Now just before D.R. left the bar, she felt the urge to go pee but she didn't because sometimes it's nice to pee in your own house and not at the bar. With each customer, the urge grew and grew until Drunk Rachel thought she was going to explode. Frantic, she tried to figure out a plan. Should she jump out of the car and pee in front of God and everyone, should she leave the line and try to make it home....it was too late for those options. So she reached for the Mt. Dew bottle on the floor of the front seat, fully confident that if truckers could do it, so could she. She carefully wiggled out of her jeans and positioned the bottle near her peehole. Then she promptly completely missed what so ever. At this point there was nothing that could close the flood gates so she had no choice but to just let it happen. Pee flooded the seat as she still foolheartedly tried to catch any amount of the warm, yellow liquid in the bottle but the task was beyond her. So she sat there, peeing herself as the cars ahead of her inched closer to the pick up window. Distraught and amazed by the amount of liquid exiting her body, she ripped off her shirt to try to soak up as much of the urine as possible. Luckily for the drive thru guy, she had a tank top on underneath. She shoved the shirt behind her, down to her ass, which was completely exposed because obviously when you pee, your pants are down.So she tried to pull her pants up but she was still peeing at this point so she put her purse in her lap and prayed that the drive thru guy was too distracted by the line of customers to pay any attention to the half dressed, piss soaked lady in front of him. Which is exactly what I hope happened, things were sketchy at that point and I can't really remember. I'm sure I looked super obvious but we are going to pretend I totally got away with it and fooled the world once again with my quick thinking.

Rantin' & Ravin': Divorce Edition

One thing I have come across pertaining to our pending divorce is, "Just be glad you didn't have kids, it's so much harder with kids..." or my personal favorite of "No offense but ours is different. We have a family, we have children..."

I'm sure it's just because people forget or maybe they just downplay it in their own minds but news flash mother fuckers, I did have a child. My stepson is one of the best people I have ever met. He is funny, caring, loving and all around just wonderful. I have been in his life for 12 years and now it's very confusing and unclear to me where exactly our relationship stands. Not just because I am divorcing his father, which I suppose makes me no longer a step mother but also because he is an adult now, he just had his 22nd birthday. He is an adult, making up his own mind about the situation. Also, I am a product of a divorce, so excuse me while I throw out that card and have little sympathy for those who still get to have a strong, close relationship with their children, whether it be every other weekend or whatever. I'll just be over here, crying, wondering what the fuck my role is in regards to a child I watched grow and thrive from a 10 year old boy playing little league to a responsible, good-hearted, 22 year old man But fuck me because I didn't produce him myself so it must not break my fucking heart every time I think about it. Right?

Everyone is always so concerned about being politically correct when it comes to what constitutes a family but when it comes to my situation, it seems like the lack of biological children makes the family I'm losing, less. Which is completely unfair to both Rob and I. I'm wrestling with the thought of losing nieces, nephews, a sister and brother in law, a mother.... If it was up to me, we would stay family, there is nothing I would love more but even if I am lucky enough to still be accepted, it will never, ever be the same. So if it seems for one second that my life isn't just as devastated as those who divorce with children and a "real family" by whatever fucked up, bias standards you hold, I'll gladly let you know exactly how wrong you are. Because it seems to me, we have it a lot worse off. We are losing a lot more.

I just want to finish with this, to Rob's family and friends, I love you all. I'm so sorry everything went to shit and I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I will always, ALWAYS be here for you, no matter what. You are my family and once family, always family. If it's all too weird and too soon, I understand. Just please know that if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. No expectations of reciprocation, whatever you need, if it is within my means, I will give it to you. I get that things are different now and they will never be the same. It sucks and it breaks my heart. I also want you to know that Rob is always welcome in my family as well. All my friends, are his friends and they will always be his friends. We may be a questionable bunch but we know a good one when we see it and Rob is one of the best.

*rage sob mic drop*

Truth is.......

Preface: I wrote this post a long time ago, just found it, read it and decided it needed publication asap. 

If you have anyone on your Facebook friends list between the ages of 13-19 or so, chances are you've see this little back and forth commenting game referred to as "Truth Is..." From what I've gathered it's basically a passive aggressive way of getting and passing out compliments and/or insults. And we all know how much I enjoy Facebook passive aggression.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I didn't write a big ol' post about how I wondered what people thought of me, I did that, but I am going to bitch and moan about how stupid this Facebook game is. Ready? GO!

You can safely assume about 97% of juveniles between the ages of 12-17 are little assholes. They spend half of their time talking shit about everyone they see and the other half crying about how so and so is mean to them when they receive retribution. Apparently puberty causes the blood flow to shift, moving away from the brain. The first part of the brain to be affected is the part that regulates empathy, turning the once sweet child into a soulless hate monger which feasts on tears. Knowing this fact, who in their right mind would really want to know the opinions of these hormonal monsters? Follow up question, where the hell are your parents?! Unless you are some kind of miracle child birthed to a 65 year old thirteen years ago, I know these damn kids' parents know how to use facebook. Some of the crap I see teenagers posting is absolutely redonkulous, but then again I've witnessed adults post some pretty stupid shit, so maybe that high degree of class just runs in the family? I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!!!

The more I think about it, we did have a version of "Truth is.." back in my day. Yearbooks. That was your chance to leave a little note for someone and be completely truthful. Plus it was the last day of school so you wouldn't have to see them again until the fall. The yearbook entries I'd get were always about the same "You're funny! I liked having you in class! Have an awesome summer! CALL ME!"
Then one year, I asked a girl who was new that year to sign my yearbook. Here is the thing, eventually the general compliments you give to someone will get blurred into all the other compliments they receive over their lifetime and they will just remember you as a nice person. BUT when you make a snide remark, that person will forever see you as a stupid hoe. I mean, probably. So her awesome yearbook note to me was something like "I don't really know you. We had a class together."........really bitch?! I don't really know you either but fuck me for trying to befriend your stupid ass. That kind of shit is why A. I hated high school and B. Had no friends. I couldn't do the fake smile, pretend to be your friend bullshit. I mean, I may not have been the nicest person but you bet your ass I wouldn't write some bitch ass comment like that in someone's yearbook.

I'm still bitter about that shit. Like she might walk out one morning and find her house t.p.'ed and have no fucking idea what's going on because I'm sure she doesn't remember it at all. I guess that goes to show you, be careful what you write in people's yearbook. They might grow up to blog about it and you'll wake up at 3:00 a.m. to a 30 year woman and her best friend in matching spandex leotards drunkenly throwing rolls of toilet paper at your house.

Moving On

I have decided that it is basically impossible to "move on" in the way I thought moving on meant. Ok wait, not impossible, just fucking dumb. Why would you choose to completely dismiss everything and every moment you shared with a person or in a specific place or during a time in your life? Whether it be good, bad or in between, what happened happened and in one way or another it has shaped the person you are today. Everything we experience in life affects us in some way. Sometimes we don't even realize it changes us, sometimes it kicks us in the face like Chuck Norris and we need new faces.

Besides the internal struggle of your own emotions, which can go from "I'm totally ok" to "I'm a fucking mess, how do I even survive the day" in a matter of minutes, you also have the anxiety of what everyone else is thinking about your situation. All the "Does she really think she will make it at a huge university?" or "Hmm...already talking to another girl. That was fast." or "Why in the hell would she ever even think of going back with him?" It's hard enough to deal with self-doubt when facing a major change or leap of faith, to deal with everyone's opinion on top of that is just unnecessary punishment.

Basically my advice to you is, fuck them. Fuck them all. As long as you feel you are doing the right thing by you, fuck....them... By no means does this mean you should go smoke meth or anything like that, this is for like healthy, thought out shit. If you have always wanted to move to LA and pursue acting, do it. If you want to go back to school, do it. If you want to break up with your current boyfriend so you can date a guy who deals crack and you really want to start doing crack, I strongly advise against it. Don't be fucking stupid and get your ass in some kind of meeting, your life choices are terrible. Like if you really think your relationship isn't working out or you're not happy then fine, break up with the boyfriend but put down the crack pipe and quit being fucking disgusting. Crack is wack, yo.

It's safe to say that everyone has their own point of "moving on". Moving on doesn't have to mean you're completely over what happened, it doesn't have to mean you pretend it never was. You can move on and still be sad sometimes, still wonder if you made the right choice, the right school, the right city, the right person. I think Rob explained it best when I asked him about a macroeconomics course. He had taken a similar course and hated it, when I asked him why he said because it makes no sense to figure something in relation to 100% productivity since there isn't really such a thing as 100% productivity. Humans and our emotions are an inconsistent variable, which is just fine. We don't have to strive for 100% certainty because in all actuality there is no 100%. That's just life.

In closing, as I always say, do what feels right to you. Fuck the haters, screw all those who judge you and your situation, it's really none of their business. Just try to be happy and if you can't, just be. Be in the moment, it will all come to you eventually. Also don't do crack.

Impregnation Nation

Everyone at work today has had enough of me. Mostly because I dropped this on them this morning, "I want to have a baby this year. Do you think I should do a donor or have a baby with someone?" Which led to a lot of remarks, none positive. This whole idea came to me about two weeks ago when I decided I may never get married again, if I do it wouldn't be for a long time and I am already 30. I want a baby eventually, I don't want to have to wait until I maybe get married again. So I tried explaining it to them how I saw it....

1. No baby daddy drama. With a donor, you don't have to worry about getting along with the father, child support fights, differences in parenting techniques, etc. I was with someone for 11 years, I thought we would be together forever but people change. I now know nothing is 100% guaranteed to work which makes me very hesitant to involve another person in any more of my life choices.

2. No heartbreak. I've seen the aftermath of a father leaving a child in my niece. She struggles with the fact her dad lives states away everyday. Seeing her heart ache for her daddy kills me every time, then I get instantly pissed because its a dick move to move away. And trying to explain to her is impossible because to a child, that love should be enough to make someone stay around.

3. A baby will help me continue my life. Yeah I can't lie, I've been through a lot lately but if anyone knows when to back off, it's me. The fact that I still think this is a good idea, even with all the recent changes, tells you I am being responsible. Yes, I'm in therapy. Yes, I'm in the middle of a divorce...which is stupid because what does that even mean? There is no fighting, no ill will, I'm basically just in the middle of moving and we are finishing up financial shit. It's not like I'm in the middle of a semester where I have divorce homework every night or a big divorce final coming up. I don't understand what people are trying to say when they say "focus on your divorce". What is there to focus on? I moved, we are waiting on the bank to finish up financial crap and eventually we will file and sign some papers. It doesn't seem like it needs that much focus.

Ok...I'll be honest. I only made it to three before I got distracted and stop writing. Now it's been a week and even though I still feel like I need a child, maybe the fact I was able to get so distracted in the first place is a large indicator that it may not be the best idea. I also have a sneaking suspicion I have yet to move on with my life enough to bring another person into it. Woe is me, I guess I'll be babyless for a while longer.