Thursday, December 6, 2012

Insignificant yet life altering traumas: Life Lessons

Once again I have been traumatized, this time a good lesson came along with it. For the last eleven days or so I have been suffering from this stupid, itchy rash. I'm not sure where it came from but if I had to guess, it came from Satan's womb. This rash has been so bad, I left work early on Monday; I couldn't get into my regular doctor so I went to urgent care out at the hospital. While I was waiting to get in, I overheard an older gentleman, I use the term gentleman very loosely here, talking to his daughter who had brought him, about a similar rash. I commented "Oh that's weird. That's why I'm here." Being a classic hypochondriac, my first thought was we are obviously Patients 0 and 01 of the impending zombie apocalypse. Which would be cool, I guess, zombie outbreak virus is better than the rest of the crap I had self diagnosed myself with the days prior to my doctor visit. According to my research I had MRSA, fleas, scabies, mites, eczema, chronic dry skin, scarlet fever, heat rash, cold rash, stress rash and I was also being poisoned. So I finally get called back, the nurse wants to check my height (ok) and weight (I'LL MURDER YOU ALLLLLL). Yup, still tall and fat, just like last time. We go in the little room and I'm telling the nurse what I was there for, since I am practically a doctor myself, I bypass her questions with a summary of my own observations. "I have a rash, its been 11 days, it's really itchy, started on my stomach, has spread to back, then legs, then arms. It looks like this, I haven't made an environmental or dietary changes. Blah, blah, blahhhh" Ok pay attention, this next part is important to this story.

**FLASHBACK to earlier that day. I am minding my own business in the bathroom at work, doing what everyone does in the bathroom, hiding and checking my facebook. So I decide that I do actually have to pee, which I do. Then I notice something strange, so I check again, "What the f---?!" I finish my bathroom business and go back to work, a little concerned and confused. About an hour and a half later, I go to the bathroom again. Pee again, notice something is again, not right. So I check again, 'What the hell is going on down there?" Go back to work. Soon the itchy around my belt line, waist, whatever you call it, became unbearable and at about 1:30 I asked if I could go home, call the doctor, take a Benedryl, lay around naked, hopefully go see the doctor and come back to work my 5:30 - 8:00 half of the day. That was fine, so I head home. I get there and eat something and lay around pant less while I wait for urgent care to open at 3:00. Rob comes home from work and I tell him whats going on including the 'bad thing' that I discovered while at work. "That pretty much means I'm dying right?!" Rob says "Well it's not good.." 'I know, I have had a terrible day.."****

So cut back to the appointment. With the rash part explained to the nurse, I start my next sentence with.."There was something else I wanted to ask about. I was in the bathroom earlier today.......and when I wiped......did it again....back to the home.....bathroom...water in the toilet...REALLY RED.....doesn't hurt....that's not normal right?!....embarrassing...seriously wrong otherwise I wouldn't mom is a this death?!"

Eventually the doctor makes her way in. She determines the rash is probably an allergic reaction to something, I concur. She prescribes some pills for the itching and she tells me 'if it doesn't get better in 10 days, call your doctor....' Uhhhhh...riiight. I thought that's why I was here?
Anyways I bring up the 'bad thing'. "So I was in the bathroom earlier.....that's not my vagina....pregnancy test....shit, that's not my vagina!....bathroom again...home...called my mom, she's a nurse....I didn't eat any beets! Who eats beets?!...seriously wrong, otherwise I would NOT ask you...zombie apocalypse?....Am I dying?"
She is not at all concerned. She replies "If it doesn't go away, call your doctor..."

I'm AT a HOSPITAL. Like I walked passed an AMBULANCE on my way in here. If I could have gone to my regular doctor, I would have! But I couldn't get in, so I came here...FIX ME! So I was sent away, I went to the pharmacy of my choice, Target and waited for my itchy pills. The pharm tech asked for my name, grabbed my bag and said "Two?" "I dunno" I said peeking into the bag, I could see a pill bottle and something that looked like ointment "Sure?"  "Hydro-something and hydoro-something? For itch?" she asks "Yeah..for itch." I retort as I'm gnawing off my arm. Sweet, I thought to myself, did she give me medicated lotion too? Hit the road, itchy skin!

"Have you taken both of these before?" she asks.
"No, neither of them" as I scratch the skin off my face
"Ok, I'll have you talk to the pharmacist before you leave."
"KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK" I'm literally about to rip my shirt off I'm so itchy.
So the pharmacist comes over looks at the pills and tells me "Take one of these three times a day for the itch. Do not take Benedryl with it."
Then she pulls out the little things of lotion. "Keep these at room temperature. and.."
*Me rolling my eyes...yeah yeah lady I know how lotion works. I'm not a complete idiot. Why is this chick whispering??*
"if you have some trouble, just put a little KY on them and they'll side right up...."
"Wha huh? Come again?!"
Pharmacist pulls out her bullhorn " AHEM. ATTENTION CUSTOMERS. IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE PUTTING THESE IN YOUR BUTTHOLE, (she might have said rectum, I was too busy dying of embarrassment) PUT A LITTLE KY ON IT AND IT WILL SLIDE RIGHT IN!"
I run to the car as quick as I can, call Rob to tell him we can never shop at Target again and he dies laughing.

The moral of the story is: If you are going to be a hypochondriac, do so wisely. Because someday a doctor might write you a prescription for anal suppositories. I'm pretty sure that the issue I was having definitely did NOT require this degree of medicinal treatment and she only did it to prove a point, that I was an idiot. I mean I never even took my pants off! How could she even know what did or did not need to be up in there? Well at least that $5.00 went to good use, someone is getting a hell of a stocking stuffer this year...

The END!
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Har har har