Transparency

I love getting compliments on my writing. That may make me sound conceited but it's true. They are some of the only compliments I can truly take will full gratitude and believe them. All the other things like, you are beautiful or you look pretty today, are a lot harder for me to heard because, well, low self esteem. But writing is something I've always loved and I do believe that I excel at it. Though I appreciate and am overjoyed by anyone's compliments, those from fellow writers basically make me brain-gasam because I assume they know what they are taking about. I never studied English or writing in a serious manner, I just type or pen my thoughts so props from people who are professionals at the craft are amazing to me.

I had a fellow writer comment the other day that I write "so openly" which I replied, "To a fault". The reason I say this is because my open style of writing does come with some backlash. Putting yourself completely out there as I do doesn't come easy. Not only do you have to get past that personal hurdle of feeling like you are oversharing but people have used what I've written against me, several times. Mostly from family who say, "I can't believe you just put that out there for everyone to read. Why?!" Well, because I understand that others can relate to me and my situations. And if they can't relate, it hopefully brings them some kind of feeling. Whether it's anger, sadness, joy, laughter, for lack of a better word, I am willing to sacrifice my privacy for the feelings of others. I also have to worry about my job. I would hope that nothing I write would negatively impact my position but there is always that fear. Even if I couldn't get fired, if some of the public I work with read my blog, they would have a much different view of me than what they see when they come in for programming or to check out books. Especially after the last few bat shit crazy posts I blogged. Just to reassure all you who have to come in contact with me, all my shit, does not affect my work life. I strictly forbid it to.

Being transparent comes with a cost. It makes you very vulnerable to the world in a deeply personal way. Your feelings and thoughts will be brought up during a fight, you will unintentionally hurt people's feelings, you may portray yourself in an unflattering way. There are so many reasons not to do what I do but I will never stop because it gives me life. It gives me purpose. It helps me get through the rough stuff. By typing it all out, I'm giving a big middle figure to my problems and saying, "You know what, screw you. I'm not going to let you consume me. I'm going to take you out of my brain and put you somewhere where I can see you and just see you for what you are."

Writing is my therapy and I'll be damned if I'll let some adverse responses take away something so important in my life. That being said, if you've got a question about something I've written, ask me about it. If you don't like the answer, tough shit. This life is my story, I'll write it however the fuck I want. (Sorry for swearing in my blog, Mom. I know you hate it.)