Thursday, August 11, 2016

Insignificant yet life altering traumas: Accidents Happen

Once upon a time, back in my party days, I used to have a strange admiration for Drunk Rachel. She always seemed to have great ideas and could do just about anything until she tried it. From hurdling objects in wet grass to cooking pizza, there was never any hesitation that anything would ever go wrong. Until it always did. Luckily for Drunk Rachel, Sober Rachel was always there the next day to clean up her messes. Scraping burnt pizza out of the oven, tending to ass bruises...any aftermath was on Sober Rachel.

One night after a visit with her friends at the bar, Drunk Rachel decided it was time to sober up a little and head home. As she left the bar, she thought to herself "Hmm...I want a chicken sandwich" and took a detour through Hardee's. As she pulled up, she debated waiting in line, even though it was late, there were a shitload of cars ahead of her. She decided that chicken sandwiches are worth the wait, pulled up and waited to order. After ordering she waiting patiently in line. Now just before D.R. left the bar, she felt the urge to go pee but she didn't because sometimes it's nice to pee in your own house and not at the bar. With each customer, the urge grew and grew until Drunk Rachel thought she was going to explode. Frantic, she tried to figure out a plan. Should she jump out of the car and pee in front of God and everyone, should she leave the line and try to make it was too late for those options. So she reached for the Mt. Dew bottle on the floor of the front seat, fully confident that if truckers could do it, so could she. She carefully wiggled out of her jeans and positioned the bottle near her peehole. Then she promptly completely missed what so ever. At this point there was nothing that could close the flood gates so she had no choice but to just let it happen. Pee flooded the seat as she still foolheartedly tried to catch any amount of the warm, yellow liquid in the bottle but the task was beyond her. So she sat there, peeing herself as the cars ahead of her inched closer to the pick up window. Distraught and amazed by the amount of liquid exiting her body, she ripped off her shirt to try to soak up as much of the urine as possible. Luckily for the drive thru guy, she had a tank top on underneath. She shoved the shirt behind her, down to her ass, which was completely exposed because obviously when you pee, your pants are down.So she tried to pull her pants up but she was still peeing at this point so she put her purse in her lap and prayed that the drive thru guy was too distracted by the line of customers to pay any attention to the half dressed, piss soaked lady in front of him. Which is exactly what I hope happened, things were sketchy at that point and I can't really remember. I'm sure I looked super obvious but we are going to pretend I totally got away with it and fooled the world once again with my quick thinking.

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