Wednesday, August 27, 2014

THE REAL WORLD: The Birds and the Bees

My family has an unusual way of...let's call it sympathizing...with me lately. As of this month we have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. The other day when my mom and I were talking about it she said something about how she didn't have me until she was 30 so it's ok if we waited. Lady, I've been trying to get knocked up for a year, keyword trying. It's not like I plan on waiting, it's just not happening. Then she asked something like "Well...are you doing it right?" Hooollldd up...what do you mean "doing it right", we actually have to do something?!?! Like together?!  In the same room?! WELL SHIT. I'm glad somebody finally explained things to me! Don't I feel foolish. Here I've been, 12 months, just sitting on the couch waiting for the immaculate conception!
Since I feel like I'm not doing something right...............................don't know why on Earth I would feel that way.....................*cough* I decided to PROVE it with statistics or whatever. So I restocked on ovulation prediction test strips, a basal thermometer and printed off charts to record everything. OH! So beautiful! So wonderful! This whole trying to get pregnant thing has officially become a pain in my ass. I shouldn't say that, I know there are people who try for years to get pregnant but for just a minute I want to bitch about it. So here it goes: this is ridiculous. It's a lot of work for something that is supposed to just happen. I'm pissy, I'm emotional and I don't give a fruck anymore. I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to have to take my basal temperature everyday, which you literally are supposed to do BEFORE YOU MOVE in the morning. I'm sick of catching my piss in a tiny shot glass size cup and dipping strips in it just to see once again I'm not ovulating. Last night I spilled it, yep that's right, I spilled my piss filled cup, all over my shorts, the bathroom rug, the floor. I'm sick of every month, not only getting to realize I'm not pregnant again, but then having mother nature kicking me when I'm down and giving me the most painful back cramps, front cramps, side cramps, Carrie prom scene in my pants, worst high school periods of my life. Oh hey girl hey! Guess what! You're not pregnant and also fuck you! Stab stab. Have fun with those khakis, stupid! AWESOME!
 So just to give fair warning, these are a couple of the things, that if said to me or any other woman trying to conceive, will eventually get you a punch to the throat.
1. Are you doing it right? < Insert part A into part B...You're right, this IS basically rocket science
2. Are you trying hard enough? <What does this even mean?!
3. You're trying too hard! Just relax! < Like chloroform relax? SH SHH SHH.. JUST BREATHE
4. Do you know you can't get pregnant or are you just assuming? <.....................................*PUNCH*
5. I knew a couple who tried for 463 years before they got pregnant. < Ain't nobody got time for that.
6. Is it you or him? <Actually it's you.
7. Maybe try a different guy! < This one, not funny. At all.
8. You're young still! < And you're still an ass
9. Well so and so stopped trying and 3 months later they were pregnant! <Oh really!? THANK GOD me and so and so opted for the 2 for 1 twin uterus special and we are exactly the same!
10. Show me how you're doing it....... *Creepy smile* < *creepy smile back* ....ok

Yes, I understand people are just trying to make me feel better and it's not like I don't want people to talk me but dammnnn. It's just hard to not to think it's my fault, which it is, in a way, my fault. I'm still in denial that there could be something not working right, you know, down there, my lady insides. I rather just pretend for awhile longer it's because I'm actually doing something wrong, not because I'm broken. YEAH YEAH YEAH I KNOW. "You're not broken" I don't want to hear it. Let's just talk about unicorns instead for a little bit, ok?


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Almost Famous

Even though I have a backlog of blog posts to publish, I just HAD to write this little snippet as an update from my failed Chicago plans. Still upset about that. Well since I didn't make it to Chicago this week, I was able to make it to auditions for the local production of "Annie". Why was this a big deal? #1. I can count on one hand the number of times in my adult life I have actually tried to sing in front of people. Unlike karaoke, where I majestically flail my arms around in interpretive dance, I was sober and spent several days practicing the song I would be singing. I can read the shit out of lines, I can (badly) dance like nobody's business, I can do presentations, make speeches, perform marriage ceremonies, entertain a crowd of people with little hesitation but when it comes to singing in front of people, actual quality trying my best singing. I can't do it. I get nervous, I feel stupid, I feel completely exposed. #2. I have made leaps and bounds progress since college with my social anxiety. At one time I was unable to walk into a room if there were already several people in it. I have wanted to try out for the local theater for a few years now but I always talked myself out of it at the last minute. This time I did have a friend to go with (shout out Jamie!) so it made things easier but I feel like even if she hadn't been there, I would have gone. Because sometimes you just have to do it.

They held auditions on Tuesday and Wednesday night, I went on Tuesday. I read for Grace first. When it came to the singing part of the audition, I asked them if I could sing the "Star-to-Be" portion of the song NYC instead of Grace's part because I didn't really want that big of a part and I would like to be considered for the "Star-to-Be" role instead. So I sang the "Star-to-Be" part, I was super, super nervous and I could tell I didn't sing at 100%. I read for Lily as well and the rest of the night went great. There were a lot of very talented people and I heard even more auditioned on Wednesday night.They told us we would get an email on Thursday sometime letting us know who was cast.

As promised, I received an email on Thursday and HOLY SHIT I got the part I wanted! Sure, I was probably the only one who asked for it and auditioned specifically for it but I feel pretty cool soooo don't burst my bubble or I'll cut cha.

Well that's my update. I'll post this and in a couple days I'll post one of the 3 other posts I have ready and waiting.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

What I learned at my 10 year high school reunion

Welp. Last night my husband and I attended my 10 year high school reunion. I forewarned him plenty of times that I only had about two friends in high school, today he told me he now knows why that was, I'm a rude, loud-mouth bitch. Yeah, we know. I've never claimed to anything else. Ok it actually wasn't THAT bad but I am loud and obnoxious. I do want to point out, some of it is definitely a defense mechanism, when I go out any other time I am friendly to everyone and we have a lot of fun meeting new people. There is just something about being put back in that high school situation, not being talked to that made shit weird last night. Old habits die hard, I guess. That being said, this is what I learned:

1. Don't expect things to be any different than how you left them. In my case, I was a transplant in 7th grade. I didn't grow up with these people, none of us were best friends in elementary school, grew apart in middle school and got to reminisce about the old days when we had sleepovers and pool parties. I'm not going to pretend no one talked to me, we had a pretty nice sized group all night. But I definitely didn't get talked to by the majority of people. I also didn't attempt to talk to any of them, honestly I don't know how they wouldn't know who I was but I didn't want to take the chance of saying hi to someone just for them to look confused and awkwardly turn away.

2. Don't expect people to be nice talk to you just because it's been 10 years. I think my favorite/most devastating part of the night was when I stopped to talk to a girl I know and everyone else in her group immediately walked away from us. It was funny because I felt like I was in some teen movie and was sure later on I would have a shining moment of redemption with Zach Efron (This did not happen). On the other hand, it did make me feel like an idiot. I held on to hope thinking maybe I just had bad b.o. or something but later on when my friend was talking to some of the same people, I got shut out again. I guess some people just don't want to talk to me. Which is fine, I don't expect everyone to be my buddy. So I wandered into another group that I didn't fit in with that well, so then I latched on to a friend's husband and probably really creeped him out. I'm just too god damn socially inept for this shit.

3. Cliques don't die. Safety in numbers, I get it. It's bad enough you are going to your 10 year reunion, why wouldn't you hang out with the same people you did in school. I was very impressed with a couple people who walked around mingling. Good for you, you have balls! I sat at my table, only getting up to go to the bathroom, get a refill or run away to the patio where it was dark. Like an opossum. Hiss.

4. No one really cares about what you've been up to. Unless it was actually someone you hung out with in school and they already know about your life because Facebook. Not at one point did I need to tell anyone about anything, because I over share on social media and my blog. I make stalking me easy, I basically force it onto people.

And the most important thing I learned is #5. The last 10 years of my life have been great. I have done so many amazing things, met some amazingly wonderful people, I have made awesome friends that I care DEEPLY about. I look back at who I was in high school and can't believe how much I have changed. I've accomplished a lot and I'm proud of myself. It hasn't been easy, there have been plenty of rough patches but I got through them with help from my friends and family. I woke up sad today, feeling that I was put back in my place last night but you know what, I fucking like my place. My place is the shit, there should be like a bouncer to get in here. VIP and all that. Bottle service. I don't need other people to tell my what I'm worth, I look at my life, at my friends and I know I'm golden.

That was lame. But I meant it :) Later gator.

Friday, August 1, 2014

I messed up.

"Never let your fear decide your fate...."

I screwed up. I got scared and I didn't register for my immersion course in Chicago soon enough and the class is full for the week I was able to go. I'm upset, I'm really upset. I'm also relieved, which makes me sad. Because I really wanted to go through this experience and I think it would have been really good for me to have done it. But I let my hesitation get the best of me, I waited until the last minute and now I've missed out. It wasn't just being scared of the unknown, it was a big commitment time wise away from work, money wise the cost of travel, boarding and the actual course price. I would be alone in a city I've never been to, doing things I've never done. Even little things like navigating the L Train or the city bus lines are brand new to me. It makes me anxious thinking about it. I would have to meet new people, I wouldn't know anyone there. It would literally be like being reborn, I would be completely in the raw. It would've been a great chance to find out exactly who I am and what I'm made of. Yes, I am upset I took this chance away from myself. It makes me feel like a failure, I let myself down and I am the only one to blame. I had 100% support behind me from my family, friends, co-workers. No one doubted for a second I could do it, except for myself. Even now I could try calling, plead with them to make an exception. Please, PLEASE let me join. Please make room for just one more. But I won't, I'll sit here and feel sorry for myself. But also relieved, that I didn't try and end up failing anyways.

This is a terribly depressing post but sometimes life isn't always happy. I guess the biggest piece of advice is exactly what I wrote above "Never let your fear decide your fate". At the risk of sounding like a complete emo kid, these are lyrics from one of my new favorite songs. It just happens to correlate with what's going on in my life right now. Kind of like how the lyrics to "23" by Mike Will Made It ft Miley correlate to my life on any normal day. "I be in the club, standin on a couch. In them Wolf Greys, like it's my house." I literally do this every day. It's uncanny.

So that's the story about how my procrastinating bit me in the butt. I am, however, going to audition for a local production of Annie; this time I'm going along with a friend so I actually have to follow through. I think I'm going to shoot for the stars and show up in a red, curly wig and little red dress. Because that definitely wouldn't creep anyone out.

Thank you everyone for the support you showed me in effort to help me follow my dreams. I hope I didn't let anyone down too terribly. It's nice to know you guys have my back, no matter where my crazy plans lead me. Don't worry, I'll get there someday.