Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Car Issues and Booty Poppin'

So I am having some wiring issues with my vehicle, the most prevalent problem being I have no rear right turn signal. Which is a big deal to me because I make 3 right turns on my way to work and 3 right turns on the way home and I merge a couple times too. And I feel like a complete asshole for not being able to signal when I'm turning. I haven't had time to take it in to the shop and I don't really want to because I'm pretty sure I have an idea what the problem is and how to fix it but the bulb socket I need is like $50 and has to be special ordered. And I'm a cheap beotch. But it is seriously affecting (effecting? I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR GRAMMER) my mental health, I feel TERRIBLE not giving my fellow automobile operators a warning of my upcoming turn. Out of all the driving whatevers, no turn signal gets to me. Unless I'm in a bad mood then everything gets to me but on just a normal, driving to the store day, I'm pretty relaxed. Unless someone busts a turn with no signal.

Reaction list:

Slow driver, because they are old or super cautious: Cool, more time to get where I'm going, more time to SIINNGGG!!!

Slow driver because their car is a P.O.S : GO LITTLE CAR, GO! I BELIEVE IN YOUUU!!

Tailgater: I don't really look in the rear view mirror so I don't notice if someone is following me too closely

Not knowing when to go at a 4-way stop:Yeah. That's usually me sooo....

Letting people out of a parking lot: This has a specific protocol to it, if you don't know it or don't abide by it you're a freaking idiot but I ain't mad at cha.

Pulling out in front of me like a bat out of hell: Woah woah WOAH! They must really have to poop.

Cell phone while driving: Look at this bitch texting, she is going to kill herself or somebody else. I'm getting on Facebook right now to talk shit about her.

Not moving when a light turns green/waiting for the stop light to turn green: It's cool, I've done that before. Life is full of distractions. No biggie.

People giving me dirty looks or calling me names because I did something wrong and I know I did something wrong : *Make the My Bad! face. Timid Wave* SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!!


So you can see why I'm concerned for my well being.There are A  LOT of crazy people in this world. I'm terrified for my life the next time I turn right without my blinker the person in the car behind me will be so pissed they'll follow me home and murder me. Ok, honestly I think everyone is going to murder me. Apparently I watch too many crime shows because I am convinced I'm going to wake up one night and someone is going to be standing over me and then murder me.

Speaking of crazy, at about 9:30 this morning my axis must have shifted or something because I started to feel weird. And then around 2:00 this afternoon, it tilted some more and now I feel realllllyyy weird. Like I should be creepin' around on my tip toes in the shadows. I can't tell if it's paranoia or I'm just really hungry or a small brain tumor that suddenly appeared or too much window cleaner (Reason #132 why cleaning sucks) but whatever it is I am NOT feeling it. And I swear everything looks darker? I did have a lot of busy work to get done today, busy work in my world means cutting out shapes of black paper, punch holes in foam shamrocks and squares of scrapbook paper, so maybe my eyeballs are over worked from focusing on not chopping my hands off. And actually I know what is making me paranoid but it's really stupid so I'm going to pretend I don't know what's going on. And now typing all that out made me, and probably you, feel even weirder. This moment, right here, you and me, padded room realness homies. Also I ate cereal for lunch so maybe that's why I'm all off kilter. Random but it needed said.

IN CLOSINNNNGG...I'm risking my life to drive over to my sister's now because apparently there is some workout called the butt bible I need to try? That sentence right there is clear indication of sexy (or not so sexy) butt pics to come. All I know is I'm taking a bag of frozen BBQ boneless chicken chunks (I called ahead she already has ranch), a can of pepper spray to deter murderers and praying this workout is set to the following playlist:

1. "I Like Big Butts"
2. "Back that ass up"
3. Whatever that song is that goes booty booty booty booty rockin' errwheeree.
4. The Thong Song
5. Get low
6. Baby got back
7. every other song about asses and butts ever created. There are SO MANY.

Later party people.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Insignificant yet life altering traumas: High School Edition!

I wasn't fat in high school. However I was tall and had a more mature body than some of the other girls. I had hips, I had boobs, I had thighs and yes I was bigger than many girls but I wasn't FAT.  I know that now because I am fat. Obviously there were other girls at my school that were bigger than me so I wish I could say it was all in my head but unfortunately high school is high school which brings us to...... Insignificant yet life altering traumas: High School Edition!
Me as a sophomore and my younger sister at our father's wedding.
I had many, many, many, many, many, many insignificant yet life altering traumas in high school but this one stood out for rudeness.
It was either my freshman or sophomore year in high school and I was taking a drama class. I think it was one of the first days of class when the teacher went around the room and ask everyone to say why they were taking this class. Most of the class answered because it sounds fun or interesting or it was easy. When it was my turn I confidently stated "I want to be an actress. I've been looking at modeling/acting agencies in Chicago. I want to go to NYU Tisch School of the Arts. " Which at the time, this all seemed like a possibility for my future. I had gotten brochures, looked up agencies online, theater camps, workshops, all sorts of stuff. So I reveal my dream to the class just to be met with a snarky "PPPSSSSHH. Well, you're gonna hafta lose weight if you think you're gonna be a model!" from some upper class man girl behind me. So I looked at her and replied "I never said I was going to be a model..."
"Yes you did!"
"No..I didn't. I said actress."
"You said model!"
I don't remember what came next, since it was such a low blow I very well could have just sat down in shock but more likely there was probably swearing involved. Either way it went, I've never forgotten the girl or the comment. Especially because neither her or her friend sitting right next to her laughing were really skinny themselves, which made it even more traumatizing.
This wasn't the first time my weight was an issue for me. I remember in 7th grade, I had just moved to a new town and in my English class we had to write in a journal every week or whatever for the teacher to read, just telling her about ourselves or what was going on in our life at the time. One day I decided to write about how I was going to go on a diet. I remember writing that I had told my mom I wanted to go on a diet and she told me that I looked fine and once I got to high school I would be "A knock out". I didn't agree and thought that I needed to lose some weight. My teacher did the good teacher thing and in response wrote something like "You are fine just the way you are! Plus you are on the light side of medium anyways. you don't need to lose weight." Which I appreciated but maybe they should have thought twice about the swimsuits we were given to wear for gym being color classified by size. As the sizes got bigger, the color of the suit got darker. I was in a dark navy, one or two steps down from black, which was the largest and a skirted suit. Who decided that was a good idea for a middle school?!?! Sure I look hot in my swimdress NOW but putting a middle school girl in that shit could cause some serious emotional damage. Better question, why did we have communal swimsuits?!
Now that I'm grown, I look back and realize how ridiculous I was. Sadly even with a support system telling me I was fine just the way I was, 100 compliments are quickly forgotten when an insult is thrown your way. It's upsetting to think my future children will feel that way someday and there isn't anything Rob or I will be able to say or do to convince them otherwise. Hopefully they will have the sense to not let people's stupid opinions bring them down. Parenting seems like it's going to be super hard.  Honestly if I can raise at least one kid who doesn't turn out to be serial killer, I would totally be cool with that. That sounds like successful parenting to me!
The moral of the story is - enjoy your teen years you pretty, skinny little bitches. Because one day you'll find yourself going from "I would kill myself if I weighed 200 pounds" (true statement I once made in high school) to shuffling around the house in sweatpants and a t-shirt muttering "I would kill someone if it would get me down to 200 lbs! I'd also kill someone for a Twinkie. ROB! Do you know where I put those cloud cakes??? God damn Hostess going out of business. You know, I didn't even like this shit until it was gone."

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Being Discovered

This post is dedicated to the nice woman and her husband I met last weekend. I warned you this was going to happen, as it was a highlight in this crazy thing I call my life.

Last weekend I went out with the gang, by gang I mean my group of gal pals but technically we might also fit into the classification of "street gang". We are hardcore and will cut a bitch if provoked. So we went out and like many Saturday nights in this incredibly classy mid-west town of ours, we encountered our very own drunk jackass. He is actually a cousin of one of my friends, and apparently when he drinks he feels like he can talk a bunch of shizzy. So as he sat behind us at a table making rude comments and mediocre insults to the bartenders, I just kept my mouth shut and reminded myself that I can't go to jail. As the minutes passed, each one more excruciating than the last, I calmed myself with some deep yoga breathing and extreme jaw clenching. I'm pretty proud of myself for keeping it together as long as I did, the old Rachel would have promptly thrown down at the first remark. Mind you I wouldn't have cared nearly as much had all this ridiculousness been directed at me but it was directed at the two female bartenders, then towards another girl who joined us and that is something I can't stand for. Though these other women could hold their own and did so with grace only a true lady beholds, it still infuriated me to no end. Especially when his girlfriend or what ever her relation was to him, sat by without much interjection to his behavior. To anyone who might not be from the mid-west, you could be thinking "Uhhh..sounds like acceptable hick behavior" but I assure you this is not everyday occurrence. At least not in my life. All of the women I know and hold near and dear would never let her man talk to another woman in this manner and maybe that's why I found it so crude and in terrible taste. I think he thought he was being funny with most of it but he wasn't funny. Like not even a little, I would know because I excel in crude humor. My sailor mouthed poop jokes have gotten me both in and out of some very awkward situations. Anyways it was finally to the point where I couldn't hold it in so I focused all my energy into blurt-shouting something which I don't remember what it was. My outburst got his attention and he told me to "tone it down." I slowly turned myself in his direction and gave him what I imagine was a look that could kill, because Lynsey said "Ooooo. She gon' kill youuuu...." So then he looked at me and said "I said tone it down!" My death stare continued. Then he broke eye contact and muttered "I just said tone it down..." Shortly after that they left, which was nice because I had been mulling revenge ideas over in my head that led me to ask question like "What did you say his last name was?" and "Is throwing a cup of urine at someone considered assault?"

So after 4 of the 6 table behind us people left, and peace was restored, we continued visiting with our friends. The people who had joined us included 2 girls who were at the bachelorette party for our friend Jaime. After a quick jaunt down memory lane, Rev Rach was brought up and soon surfaced remarking "That foul sir almost made me lose mah southern charm" in the most spot on southern accent I could bare to muster through the anger and alcohol flowing through my delicate waif-like body. Which quickly led to an exorcism. Which then led to some other inappropriate, yet awesome I'm sure, display of my ever growing large and in charge personality. Which eventually led to the attention of the other couple who was with the guy that needs to find Jesus. Oh my, what will happen next?!

In my fast paced world it's not unusual that I only remember moments that stuck out significantly, my brain ain't got no time for the boring. So here are some of the events of that night as I remember them. My interpretation may be a little skewed but I'm ok with that:

Me telling the couple from the table, we'll call them L&H, lady and husband because I don't remember their names and don't have permission to use them anyways.
Ok so me telling L&H about the time I asked Rob if I had a beautiful singing voice and he replied "I wouldn't say beautiful. It's wonderful! I love that you feel like you can sing but it's not beautiful..." Which is by far the greatest, somewhat insulting compliment I have EVER received and his delivery was so spot on that I literally love him more because of that response.

Me being me. Trying to entertain and interact. (Remember in my Fanatic Shemnatic post how I am weird about TV shows and stuff. Well when I go out I always secretly hope that a bar full of strangers from all different walks of life somehow come together in unity and with respect for each other, no matter how different we all are, preferably by song. We met as strangers, we left as strangers but having shared that special moment, none of us would ever be the same!)

Hear lady telling husband I'm hilarious and should be a stand up comic.

My group finds a table and sits.

Me creeping back over to the couple and showing L&H pictures of Magnus. (A moment of clarity on my part where I realize that creeping over to people, telling them since I already talked to them I'm going to show them pictures of my rabbit photo shoots is probably really weird. But then I remembered I don't care and rabbits in hats are both super funny and adorable) I then tell them their friend was an ass.

Lady says "You're a little eccentric, aren't you?" (Never a more truthful statement)

Lady asking me where I was from and when I said here she said something like this town was too small for me. (Agreed)

Have a cowfit and demand to talk to the manager of the juke box company because we hit play next on a song and it didn't play next or next or next or next. Sit at bar moping then grab onto the handle bars they have built into the top of the bar and narrate myself jumping over a cliff. Lynsey runs to bathroom having peed her pants, she was the only one who got I was acting out my own personal music video to the song that was playing.

Our song FINALLY comes on and I am able to perform it for all to see.

Half of our table leaves.

Continue my sweet dance moves, try to jump up and grab the steering wheel bolted to the ceiling of the bar. Fail. Make a mental note to practice jumping.

More dance moves. Accidentally destroy half the bar.

Go talk to L&H. She asks me if I ever considered doing community theater and I say Duh! Didn't you know I was supposed to be an actress. She said she could tell. I told her I never tried out before and she tells me I should do it. Then I tell her that my friend does another musical theater in town and was going to tell me when the next audition for that was so I could tryout. And she said that the community theater she does doesn't do any musicals so I wouldn't have to sing, since she now knew about Rob saying my voice was not beautiful. Then I said "HE said I couldn't sing, I never said I couldn't sing!" And sang a line from "All That Jazz" along with sweet jazz hands. I could tell she was bursting inside with emotional from my impressive vocal skills but she played it cool, kept very calm on the surface and said "You're not that bad!" and I told her I'm even better sober.
Nice lady (or could be serial killer) asked for my address so she could send me their next theater newsletter. So I wrote it down for her and with that I was discovered! And then I told them "Oh I'm going to say this was me being discovered when I blog about it, k?" They said that was fine.

Then I had to abruptly leave our conversation so I could sing/act out my music video to Lady Gaga's "You and I".

The clock struck 12:30 and we left to go somewhere else.

So that's the story of how I was discovered. By someone with ties to the community theater. Pretty incredible. If/when I audition for community theater and get a part I will be sure to rent a billboard to let everyone know. And if I don't get a part, I will shackle myself to the tree outside the theater on opening night and put on my own one women show. With a possibly cameo from Magnus, warrior bunny. Either way people will never forget my name....