Monday, November 4, 2013

The Chronicles of a Fat Girl's Workout: 5k Edition

I was getting ready to write a new post when I discovered I had never published this little gem! It made me LOL, yes I laugh at myself no biggie, so I had to post it ASAP. Enjoy :)

So after all my bragging on Facebook about my *awesome* super fast 16 minute mile I can run, I found out about a 5k GlowRun that would be taking place about 60 or so miles from us. For some ridiculous reason I thought "I'M GOING TO DO IT!!!!" and started petitioning my younger sister and her roommates to go with. Then I asked my older sister and she talked to her friends and soon enough we had ourselves a little team. Unfortunately my younger sister couldn't get anyone to cover her shift at work. Oh yeah, because when this whole team getting together started it was only 10 or so days before the 5k. We don't need no stinkin' training! Shit I have already jogged 4 times, I know my legs work they just aren't fast. So why did I feel the need to pay $35 to run around crying and whining for 3.1 miles?

1. It's a GlowRun, so it happens at night, in the dark-ishness. It will be harder for people to see the expression on my face, which I've never watched myself in a mirror while I work out but I can't imagine it's attractive.
2. Free t-shirt saying I was in a 5k
3. Finisher's medal
4. Just to do one once in my life
5. There's music and blacklights and glowy stuff
6. It's not timed. The only thing they give awards for is dancing and outfit. If only everything in life was about dancing and costumes, I'd freaking rock it.
7. It will give me the next 5 years of Facebook profile pictures and will give the illusion I actually have a life and don't sit around all weekend talking to my dogs and rabbit.
8. There will be like 11,000+ people there, it will be a lot harder for anyone to narrow down those noises are coming from me. *GASP HUCKKKKKK PFFTTTTTTT WAAAAAA*
9. I can spend the night yelling "GLOW NINJA, GLOW NINJA, GLOW!" publicly displaying my love for Rob VanWinkle and his art without seeming out of place.
10. Because it's in April, it won't get too hot and I won't sweat to death, literally sweat to death.

So the week of the race we were luckily enough to get a shit load of rain and SNOW! Yes freaking snow on April 19th. It didn't last long but it was there. So obviously the weather is not what anyone expected for April, meaning my 5k apparal of a pair of those weird compression capri wourkout pants and the GlowRun provided t-shirt was not exactly warm enough. So I made this bad boy:


So not only was it freaking freezing but I also caught a mad case of allergies two days before which meant I could not breath AT ALL and I got to stuff my sports bra with tissue for my nose that was constantly dripping. I was completely miserable and it was terrible. I honestly thought I would at least be able to jog for awhile then maybe power walk, jog a little more. I could NOT breathe so all the work I did trying to get better at breathing while I jogged, OUT THE WINDOW.

So it took me like an hour to finish the damn thing, I'm miserable, freezing, can't breath, I didn't think about jog testing my pants first and those kept rolling down. But the thing that sucked most of all was..oh shoot I dunno..IT'S THREE MILES. THREE GOD DAMN MILES. That's a long f*cking ways, yo. Then I get home, tired as hell and I go on Facebook and people are like "Yay Glow Run, Yay!" or "So wanna do the Glow Run next year!" Are you kidding me?! Umm..were we at the same event?! Do you understand what a 5K is?! IT'S THREE MILES. Running is not fun, why do you think running away is used in emergency situations? Hey you're getting chased by a bear, run bitch! Not because it's fun but because it is the LAST RESORT to try to save your life. Honestly even if I was feeling on top of my game, I don't know if I would ever do another 5K because seriously, it's three miles. Yeah I know some people run that (or more) every day but I just can't handle it. So kudos to you, crazy running bastards. I'll save all my running for you. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Peace up, A town down.