Thursday, June 28, 2012

Dirty Little Secret

Rob and I dated for close to 6 years before we tied the knot and I'm fairly sure that means the marriage was premeditated. I think he had plenty of time to decide if he really wanted to take on this myriad of unpredictable actions and behaviors which is myself. I'm not an easy person to live with but then again sometimes I am. Sometimes I am an excellent housekeep, most of the time I'm ok at it, and sometimes there is rabbit poop in the hallway. I bring home things like used accordions and random animal bones (Yeah I know, creepy, but I was going to make art darn it!) but I also bring home bomb pops and cinnamon rolls for him. I'm a pretty open person and I have always shared my past willingly with him, he knows a lot more than I think he'd like to know about me. But there was one little tiny thing that I never told him about, one miniscule detail I wanted to keep to myself. My one dirty little secret.
Well shortly after we moved into our new home in 2009, I finally decided to tell Rob and now I will share it with you. In high school there was this guy, unlike anyone I had ever met, you could say we were extremely close, but only for a short time. We were one in the same; he gave me the power to be someone else, someone who wasn't held to the same standards set forth by society. The lyrics to Freebird pulsed through veins when I was with him, I wasn't just hearing the words, oh no, I was LIVING THEM! He was a blonde god among men, made of truth and freedom and body hair.
His name...Dick Cockburn.

Ok it’s really just me in a mustache and a mullet wig. This photo is from Dick's second appearance, this is how Rob found out about him. The first time I ever "met" Mr. Richard Cockburn was in high school, my best friend Lynsey and I were just hanging out on like a Saturday evening when we decided to dress up all 80's or something, suddenly he came to me. That mullet wig called to me, kind of like a call of the wild. The one in the picture is in fact the original mullet wig I wore the day Dick was born, but my first 'stache wasn't nearly that nice. I did not have access to awesome fake mustaches back in the day, so thanks to a unwilling donation from my Persian cat Brody, who happened to be the exact same color as the wig, and some glue, I was able to fashion myself a sweet cat fur mustache. A little saran wrap and a roll of duck tape later, I shimmied into some awesome acid washed jeans, threw on my denim vest and the rest was history!

 Rob's Reaction:

It's not out of my character to adopt different personas, but I felt like the shock of reverse drag would be too much for Rob to handle. I couldn't have been more wrong, though he was a little hesitant at first he eventually came around and accepted my newest quirk. He told me he loved me and would always accept me no matter what I did or wore. He softly brushed a blonde mullet tendril off of my face as he told me he just wanted me to be happy and if dressing up like a creepy guy stuck in the 1980's once in a while is what made me happy, then damn it he was ok with that! He straightened out my crooked mustache and said to me "Fly Freebird, Fly".
Alright so I made up that reaction. What really happened was I came out of the bedroom dressed like a dude with a rolled sock in my pants and his reply was something like "What the f$&% is that about?" Until next time! Rock on!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

***Traumatic Update***

So I just showed my older sister my blog and she thought my traumatic event was hilarious. She was asking what the celebrity look alike website thing was about so I pulled up a random site and for giggles I uploaded my picture again to see what's kind of hard to post with all the tears in my eyes but at least I have proof:

Here let me get a close up shot for you....

Apparently I have gotten even less man-hot since high school...those extra pounds have demoted me from George Clooney to this sorry line up. No offense to these guys but I AM NOT A MAN! At least I got one woman :/ Good thing I'm already married otherwise this would have really done me in!

Insignificant yet life altering traumas

This is a thing that I might do, short posts about an insignificant things that have happened to me in the past but have stuck with me all this time, therefore altering my life. I figure they qualify as traumas. And here we go...

#1. Online celebrity look alike finder.
Like every high school girl ever, I was constantly worrying about what people thought of me. I never had a boyfriend or any guy pay much attention to me, I always thought it had to do with my looks, obviously it was more to do with that fact I'm a total weirdo. I never felt like I could see myself in a mirror as the rest of the world saw me, because I would notice every little flaw and determine I looked more like the Beast than the Beauty, then I would throw things and cry a lot. So I would compare myself to other people, ask my friends what I looked like, am I pretty? Do I have a big nose?! Do I look like any of these girls in this issue of "Seventeen"?!

My super great self photography from high school. Thank you Microsoft paint for making everything so much cooler.

Well one night I was searching the great world wide web, dial up of course, when I found this WONDERFUL website where you could find out what celebrity you look like! Score!! So I upload one of my many photos and who do you think was my number one match? Come on, who do you think it was?



George mother f*&%$# Clooney


Are you f*&%$# kidding me?! Really Internet?! So with those results and the painful blow from the time my sister Emily told me I look like John Kerry, I basically gave up at life. Jeans and hoodies it is!! Moral of the story: High school is rough, even for George Clooney look alikes :(

So that's one of my many traumas, I hope it brought you joy and you laughed at my pain :) When I am old and gray I will tell my grandkids this story and they will think I've lost it and send me off to a home, where I will sit in a rocking chair, sipping lemonade, signing peoples copies of ER.

Working Out

So before our wedding I did the whole diet, workout thing with my best squirrel friend/matron of honor and we did a pretty good job making it to the gym a few times a week, then of course after the wedding I suspended my membership because I didn't want to pay and I knew I wasn't going to go. Plus we have a treadmill in our basement so if I ever felt the need to do anything active I could always go that route. Now that its summer again I have forced myself to realize:

1. I've gained back a little weight since the wedding

2. It’s much too hot and too ridiculous to wear a tank top and shorts over my swimsuit

3. I am pretty sure I have sugar withdrawals if I go more than a few hours without something sweet, hopefully that’s not a sign of diabetes

4. All those stupid pinterest posts are right, "No matter how slow you go you're still lapping everybody on the couch" Damn you pinterest, damn you.

Alright, so since my husband works a lot later than I do I decided today that I will start walking on the dang treadmill after work. Then tonight I ate a bunch of dinner and didn't feel like getting on the stupid thing but guess what, I did it anyway! I also decided that even little tiny decisions like choosing to jog/pee wee herman run on the treadmill deserve some recognition so YaY for me! Hey whatever it takes right?! So here is a play by play of my "workout"

Things started off well

Four Minutes in, started to get a little sweaty
About 9 minutes in, my calves are on fire (nope I didn't stretch, yes I know I'm an idiot)I stopped the treadmill to go get some water, I could barely make it up the stairs, had to use my hands a little near the top to pull myself up. Got my water, back down the stairs and find instead of pausing, it completely restarted. Not happy.
7 minutes back in, singing to Mr Roboto, started a fast jog/run and all of a sudden the thing started flashing and I was sure the stress of my weight broke the freaking thing.
*Embarrassed Panic Mode*
Realize it just came unplugged, thank god, I really didn't want to explain to Rob I broke the treadmill actually working out (Every other time I am on it I'm usually playing around flinging small children off of it or making doggie workout videos with the Terrier Squad)
Plugged back in finished what I estimated to be about a mile, everything was inaccurate due to the multiple restarts. I moaned and groaned and pee wee ran (which is when I jog with my arms straight down and have a weird perma-smile expression on my face) the entire time but I did it! I got off the couch and did something!!
It wasn't pretty but I did it!

I know, a mile is not a big deal but it's a mile more than I would have done so I will tell myself good job and brag to my husband about it when he gets home. Like I said, whatever it takes!

Oh yeah, after all that I strutted into my kitchen, all puffed up and proud and realized I had completely forgotten about the damn cinnamon rolls I made at about 9:00 tonight. I'm not going to lie, the whole time I have been typing this all I can think about is those devil swirls of cinnamon and icing. Life's tough.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Friday Lunch Break Post

EDIT 10/21/2014 To everyone clicking on this link because you are looking up how to make angel wings for Halloween: Sorry I'm a dick and didn't do a tutorial for these. They were destroyed by the next day and got tossed so I can't even deconstruct them for you. Here is what I did:

1. Make the angel wing shape with a tab from cardboard. Like below, only better. Then do it again for the other side. You will use the two tabs to connect the wings and reinforce the wings. The big bow is covering that part. I used scraps of cardboard and layered them of the center tab piece to make it really stable.
2. On the top, inside of the wings I cut another piece of cardboard to give in more dimension. It was almost a crescent moon shape. PAINT THEM WHITE, just use craft paint. It might take a couple coats but you cannot skip this step.


 FOLD a coffee filter in half. CUT in half. (The angle of this picture looks off center but cut it in the center.)

So here is your half.

Fold the half in half. Glue the layers together so they lay all nice and stuff. I just used a swipe of glue stick. Cut it into a feather like shape. Like in the picture.

Now do that a hundred some times, layer the "feathers" and glue them to the wings. I used elastic to make a very simple harness.
Sorry I didn't think to do a tutorial for these when I made them. Ironically, I always cuss out websites that only show the finished product without any info on how to actually do it. Hopefully these pictures help a little.

Addressing the photo in the Father's Day Post: this spring I was invited to a bachelorette party for an awesome friend of mine. Her theme was angel or devil, so they asked that everyone dress like either an angel or a devil. I decided to dress as an angel, you know, like a Victoria's Secret angel....just kidding, but I did choose angel. Soon I discovered those cool looking angel wings are SUPER EXPENSIVE, I am wayy too cheap and wayy too poor to deal with all that. I racked my brain and searched my house for inspiration on how to make a pair of wings. As I fell to my death after tripping over a box full of crap in my "craft room", I caught a glimpse of the pew decorations I made out of coffee filters for my wedding. Light bulb! Coffee filter angel wings!! You may be thinking what the heck is wrong with this chick, (obviously a lot) but I assure you, Martha Stewart better watch out, I'm a crafty b-word. So here is what I came up with:

Tada! Impressive right?! My actual costume was a persona I created called the "Angel of the Morning.....After" Annnnnd here is a super cute picture of that:

Oh and I am also an ordained reverend (that's another story) and when the bride-to-be was feeling a little heat fatigued I preformed an exorcism to heal her, southern baptist style:

It worked! Anyways that's my explanation for that awesome Father's Day post picture :)

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Father's Day!

Well Sunday was Father's Day! My husband has a son, Dakotah, who just graduated from high school, he is a great kid and I am super lucky to have a stepson like him. My parents divorced when my little sister and I were pretty young and it was always weird for me when it came to potential step-parents. I like to think there wasn't any of that weirdness with Dakotah and hopefully there never will be. Anyway, along with him being a good kid he is also a hard worker so unfortunately he didn't get a chance to come over on Sunday, which if he ever reads this he might thank God he had to work. I'm just going to start our reminisce of Father's Day 2012 by saying I did NOT completely forget about Father's Day, I just happen to be a little unprepared, without a gift and for the first 45 minutes I was awake it might have momentarily slipped my mind. Something else you should know, sometimes I get myself in situations where I feel like there is not a reasonable solution or I'm too lazy to come up with a reasonable solution. I use a method that I call 'shock and awe', which is basically when I just do or say something way too loudly or obnoxiously to try to take the attention away from the real issue and then follow up with something else ridiculous, so everything that happens after the fact seems like an improvement! It pretty much just causes mass confusion and it's so distracting that everyone just forgets what the issue was and they focus on getting me the mental help I so apparently need.  It's not very efficient but it's how I handle life so yay!

Back to Father's Day, here is how poor Rob's day began:

A menagerie of fluffies thrust upon him while sleeping

Please note: I may have been up for 45 minutes but I didn't bother getting ready by any means so I probably looked like a monster. So imagine yourself in his shoes, sleeping sounding then suddenly awaken by a stampeding herd of critter folk, including an evil, razor-clawed lop bunny and then opening your eyes to see this:

(This is not a picture of me from Father's Day morning, it's from a bachelorette party I attended, but I assume this is close to what I look like every morning before I shower.)

So wildlife rampage, creeper from "The Ring" for a wife screaming "THE KIDS MADE YOU BREAKFAST IN BED!!" and shoving this in your face:

Dog food, hay and a carrot...on an upside Frisbee. Gotta do it big for Father's Day!

Needless to say, all I had to do for the rest of the day was to keep the rabbit in his cage and act halfway normal therefore making it one of the easiest/best Father's Day EVER! Huzzah! 

Friday, June 15, 2012

House Bunny, Not as Awesome as it Sounds

A little background:
My husband, bless his heart, is horribly allergic to cats. I, on the other hand, am a self declared cat lady at heart. In fact my orange Persian cat, Brody (RIP), had a guest appearance in my senior pictures.
Clearly I was extremely cool in high school.

I couldn't imagine not having a fluffy meowzer around the house. Then I met Rob, and I fell in love with Rob and much to my dismay came to the realization I may never be able to own a cat again. This is where my innovative and brilliant problem solving skills came into play. I thought to myself "Bunnies!" Bunnies are fluffy, soft, warm, cuddly...That's it! Bunnies are the ideal substitution for a cat! The more research I did, the greater the idea became. Holy crap, you can litter train them! Tons of people co-habitate with these wonderful balls of fluff, no cages, free range house bunnies! This is wonderful! After months of researching everything house rabbit related and many subtle displays of my new found rabbit super-intelligence, I somehow convinced (or according to him, told) my husband we were going to be bunny parents.  Thanks to the local hillbilly sale/flea market I soon found a fellow who bred various breeds, including the majestic Holland Lop, which I had decided would make the perfect house bunny.  He told me he had a pregnant doe, due in early June, and after 6 weeks I could have my very own BABY BUNNY! SQUEAL! By the end of July we found ourselves driving home with a tiny orange bundle of joy in a cardboard box. Just to set the record straight, ignorance truly is bliss.

 Welcome Home!!

He looks so harmless!

Rabbits are assholes. Well at least mine is, Magnus is a mean, wild critter with dagger like claws and a thirst for blood. Think of a falcon, now give it floppy ears and cover it with orange fur, that's Magnus. Ok I'm slightly exaggerating but here are some things I've learned:

1. If you hold a rabbit anywhere near your face it will eventually kangaroo razor kick it off.

2. Rabbits are masters of manipulation. Like sirens of the sea they will put you into a hypnotic state in which you will feel the overwhelming need to pick up the rabbit and bring it towards your face, this is a trap, they do not want your kisses, they want your blood.

3. I thought it would be a good idea to bring a rabbit into a home with two rat terriers (don't worry, this is not going where you think it is) I thought maybe they could be friends, get used to the bunny while he was just little and vice versa. My rabbit kicks my dogs asses. He is a bully, he lunges at them when they walk by his cage. When he is out of his cage, he will charge them. He has no fear of these two dogs who are now scarred for life from being constantly beat up by the same species they have killed and mauled in their own backyard. The therapy costs are ridiculous.

4.You will need to get your pet rabbit spayed or neutered. At about 4-5 months you will notice a change in your male bunny. He will, for a short time, become extremely loving and cuddly. One day you will reach down into his cage to pet the little lovebug and he will proceed in an attempt to rape your hand. Then you will back away from the cage and watch in horror as this hormone driven bunny tries repeatedly to push the top of his cage open because what Magnus wants, Magnus gets. At this point you might run to your bedroom, slam and lock the door which will wake your husband who is not even slightly empathetic to the fact you were just sexually assaulted by a 4-lb maniac.

5.Two things rabbits excel at are pooping and shedding. I have never meet an animal that can shed like a rabbit sheds, and it isn't just a couple times a year, its all year round. Do you know why rabbit fur is so soft? Because it is made of air and that milkweed fluff, it's next to impossible to sweep up. Any slight updraft will send that shit into orbit until it eventually lands on something. The at point of contact, it begins to weave itself into whatever fabric you are wearing, congratulations it is now a part of you.

6. Magnus is litter trained, but he is also bound and determined to make my life as awesome as possible, so he will go potty in his litter and within five minutes:
Magnus throws his litter and poo all over his cage. Yes, that is parquet flooring in his cage, he's classy like that.

The list goes on, and on, and on...

I would never say I want to get rid of the little bugger, I couldn't imagine my life without him, but I would never recommend someone get a pet rabbit for their kid. I'm a grown adult and can barely handle the constant care a rabbit requires. Its pure insanity some days. It hasn't all been bad, he is fairly good at recognizing a child from an adult and he puts up with a lot more manhandling from a child. He lets my neice carry him around and he behaves when I take him to work to visit the kids. He also lets me dress him up and take pictures of him, which is cool of him. His artistic take on various characters brings happiness to many.

Well I supposed that's all for my first post, I'm tired of typing and using my brain. (That happens a lot so don't be surprised when entries end abruptly) So long!