Wednesday, February 18, 2015

THE Blog Post.

Every time I log into Blogger, I get excited to see how many "hits" my blog has gotten since the previous login, about 15 minutes prior. What can I say, I like feeling special.

Well in the last few months, I've had one of my blog posts gain momentum on Pinterest. It's the one explaining the Father's Day post picture which I also happen to brag about my sweet crafting skills when I made those bad ass angel wings for a bachelorette party. This post. So I noticed a bunch of traffic from Pinterest and did a quick edit to explain how I made them because apparently people wanted an actual tutorial and not just pictures of me drunk performing an exorcism. Psssh. Who wouldn't want that? Weirdos.

At first it was cool because I was like, "What what! Pinterest famous! #blessed" but now I just feel used. Like a dirty, angel wing harlot. They didn't want me, they just wanted my angel wings. They don't even click around to humor me just wham, bam, thank you ma'am. One and done. Needless to say, my feelings are somewhat hurt and I am now dealing with a deep, internal struggle. Do I keep doing what I do, writing sporadic attempts at humor with no regard to what the public wants? Or do I give into society and begin only showcasing my amazing, yet boring craft skills in return for riches and fame?

By the lack of crafts in this post, you can see I clearly have chosen myself over the masses. I will stick to entertaining myself and the few of you that still read this, which thanks to Facebook's shitty pick and choose method of showing only certain posts, my reader numbers are slowly dwindling to only those dedicated followers. It doesn't deter me from writing at all, I do it mostly to get my thoughts out there and ruin any chance I will ever have at running for office. I mean, I definitely would be overjoyed if I could somehow make a living doing this. There is nothing I would like more than to bang out a couple blog posts a week, maybe get a book deal and sit at home the rest of the time hanging out with the dogs and rabbit and tv. Seeing as though I can't even get Google AdSense to approve my application WHICH I FILLED OUT MONTHS AGO, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I'm guessing it has to do with most of this blog's lack of relevant content. I don't even know what I would have ads for. Maybe suppositories and human rabies vaccines? Any kind of rehab center? Cereal would make sense, because I fcking love cereal? I'm sure we could brainstorm and figure something out Google. Hit me back, yo.

For now I'll just have my Pinterest fame. Oh and also my couple weeks of hometown fame, since I was on the cover of a local magazine recently and mailed out to thousands of homes, looking like a giant compared to my co-cover models aka my co-workers. So I MS Paint fixed it so I look like a normal sized person...
Identities have been changed to protect the innocent
Thanks for reading, my true friends and one or two enemies.

Thursday, February 12, 2015


*sigh* Oh Vegas. You fickle bitch, I hate you but I love you. There are a lot of reasons to want to go to Las Vegas, it's warm there, there is a lot to do and see, it just seems like it would be a really fun time. Have a few drinks, hang out at the pool, hit da clubs. Maybe take in a show, enjoy the night life, be one with the magical mistress that is Vegas. Hell just typing that makes me want to go there again! But, wait....what is this? This Harry Potter like throbbing scar on my heart?'s coming back to me.....

1. There are a lot, A LOT of freaking people. We went during the week and there was people everywhere. I can't even imagine what a weekend is like.

2. Whenever you read a review of Vegas, you will see "Be ready to walk a lot" they actually mean "LEGS FEET DEAD ARGH WALKING". Our hotel was 120 acres. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ACRES. That's not a typo. The first night we got there, we walked around the hotel and basically got lost. I can't even imagine being completely party rocked trying to figure that shit out. That's how homeless people happen, they come to Vegas, walk around until their legs can't take it and just sit down and stay there. This is where I live now.

3. It's time consuming. It takes forever to get anywhere. Plan to leave early to get to your destination, if you can make it there before your inner thighs chaff off and you die.

3. Part 2: ALSO travel time is drastically different. Iowa time is "Hey that town is 60 miles away, it will take us about 60 minutes to get there." L.A. time is "Hey that town is 40 miles away, it will take an hour." Vegas time is "Hey that hotel is across the street. By the time we get there, we will have watched our children grow up, get married, have kids of their own and we will have died of old age. Maybe we should just stay on this side of the street."

4. There is no sense of clock time what so ever. Time doesn't exist. We walked through casino after casino in a Vegas induced fun coma and eventually looked at our phones. Holy shit it's 3:00 am. I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.

5. Be prepared for a major dose of reality. We were at a casino, having fun playing the penny slots, like a boss, and I looked over at saw this guy, this drunk, sad guy just losing and losing. Not having fun, just losing all his money. Gambling is a terrible addiction. There were also a lot of people who clearly had drug problems. All of them were well dressed, good looking people. They were the cool kids, they were supposed to be..I dunno, cool.  But it wasn't cool, it was sad. Cocaine. It's a hell of a drug, apparently.

So why would I ever feel the need to go back to such a dismal, unfortunate place? Well come to find out, everyone there is just little psychotic which means I fit in perfectly. It's like my mothership, I probably could have just chilled on Fremont Street listening to music all night if not for the most terrifying Elmo I'd ever seen.

Who knows, maybe one day, when you finally make it across the street to the MGM, you'll look down the strip and see the silhouette of a chubby, crazy haired lady holding a rabbit on a rascal, gently flicking a stack of escort for hire cards, rolling into the sunset. And you'll turn to your great grandchild and say, "I knew her...I read her blog once...."

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Disaster Prevention

You know when you do something and you are amazed it didn't end in a complete and utter disaster. And then you think to yourself, "Holy shit. That was way too freaking close. I better never do that again." Or maybe you almost do something and your heart drops to the ground and then you realize it didn't happen and you're relieved but still a little terrified. Yeah, that happens to me a lot, but I never seem to learn my lesson or take any steps to prevent the catastrophe that will definitely someday happen. So to salute those who are proactive in their life choices, I decided to share some of the huge mistakes I know are going to happen someday in my own life.

Texting my friends. I frequently screenshot stupid things I see on Facebook. It could be someone I know, a complete stranger, whatever. Then I take these screenshots and send them to my friend. Sometimes boldly circling whatever ridiculous thing made me screenshot it in the first place and I might even throw a mean ass comment on there too. Well if you are familiar at all with cellular smartphones, you'll know that to send it you can just tap that little sideways V thing, the "share" symbol and hit text message. Well when you hit the share icon, a list of a bunch of apps pops up and you sometimes have to swipe down to get the the little text icon. I just KNOW in my heart, my cold, cruel, black heart that someday I am going to fuck up and hit either the Facebook or Pinterest or some other social media app and send that shit right into the world wide web. Everyone will know what a monster I really am and I will go back to only having 3 real life friends and I'll stop getting hella likes on my cool Facebook statuses. Which would make me sad. But more than that I would probably really hurt someone's feelings, which I don't want to do. That would also make me sad. (I understand I should just not say mean things at all and this would solve my problem but sometimes people are stupid and I need to share that with someone)

Snapchat. I think I have mentioned this before, I take some....interesting... snaps sometimes to send to my very close, very dear friends. But I am terrified one day I will accidentally send something completely inappropriate and mentally scaring to someone else on my list. I have actually sent a lot of snaps to the wrong people so this is "the most likely to happen" scenario. 10 seconds doesn't seem like that long, but believe me, it's long enough to make a terrible impact. TRUST.

Facebook. Specifically when I had myself as an admin for my work's Facebook page. When you are a page admin, you can choose to "use Facebook as" either your own account or your page account. I can totally see myself accidentally uploading a picture or posting a status on the wrong page and having a long and awkward talk with my boss and HR about appropriate social media behavior. This one I actually was proactive with and deleted myself as an admin. Look at me, making good choices. So proud.

Emotional driving. If I'm upset and I think for some reason I should be on the road, it's not good. I was really upset a couple weeks ago and was trying to drive, while ugly crying, nearly taking out several other vehicles and pedestrians. OBVIOUSLY it was their fault for being on the road when I was clearly so upset. It was bad. I couldn't see, my brain forgot how to use pedals, driving with reckless abandon because I didn't care what happened. I know I'm selfish but I promise next time I'll just pull over and cry like a freak outside someone's residence while they watch from their picture window and tell their children to "go hide, there's a crazy person/raccoon hybrid sobbing in our driveway."

Searching weird stuff on the Internet. Even though I know everyone does this, I still feel like the worse thing that could ever happen is if your search history suddenly went public. Sure, we would all be unable to look each other in the eye for a few days but I feel like it would be several weeks...months before anyone would talk to me again. For example, a few months ago the husband and I went out to dinner and a concert with my bestie and her husband. The conversation turned slightly awkward when somehow cannibalism was brought up and I immediately began reciting what I had read humans tasted like. Apparently googling "what does human flesh taste like?" is not as common as I had assumed it would be. Answer: The taste has been compared to pork, only stronger. Other say it's closest to veal. At first, they thought I was kind of joking but then realized that I was serious and I felt a little uneasy, "You've...uhh..never googled it before?" I google a lot. And I frequent a website filled with user submitted content, if you just keep clicking you are bound to come across things that will amaze and disgust you. Such is life.

My lack of filter. I say a lot of weird, inappropriate shit. Then everyone gets uncomfortable and my brain is like, "Maybe you should follow that up with something even more weird and inappropriate so they realize it wasn't as bad as it could have been!" That sounds I go! And then I lose friends and any hint of respect they once had for me. I was watching Downton Abbey the other day and Lady Grantham said "Sybil, vulgarity is no substitute for wit." I just sat on the couch thinking "Daammnnn...Professor McGonagall just took me to school, son!"

I'll work on this in moderation. If I go cold turkey, my banter will be limited to a series of grunts and me pointing at things with a sad, defeated look on my face. I just have a vision of me being handcuffed, pleading, "It was a joke! I was kidding! There's actually only 3 bodies buried in my backyard! Har har har. I'm sorry I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me." As I am shown into the back of a police car.
So as you can see, my terrible decisions will someday lead to my imprisonment, life as a social pariah or death. I should probably be more concerned but my exaggerated sense of well being reminds me nothing bad can ever happen to me. Horray!
Thanks for reading, I appreciate you and I think you're very nice.