Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Wanna be a blogga, shot calla......

Remember when I was all "I will be posted my New Year's post soon.." JUST KIDDING!! But I made you this instead:

 So I have become INTENSELY lazy recently and am kicking myself to do more blogging. It just seems like nothing is going on in my brain. No electric pulses of creativity, for God's sake it's been months since I dressed Magnus up for a photo shoot. I've been on a Pinterest hiatus but have found myself drawn back the last few days. Which isn't helping because after my first few blog posts I was like "Woohoo I could totally do this all the time" and then I see these other people's blogs and I'm like "Holy f-balls......what was I thinking?! I can't compete with real bloggers" I mean have you seen some of these blogs?! Southern accent "I am a stay at home mom with four kids. Browse through these pictures I took with my obviously very expensive, high quality camera. This is a recent project in which I refinish this dresser to put into my bedroom that looks like it came straight out of a "House Beautiful" article. Oh I also lost 300 lbs in three years, have abs of steel, make delicious meals every night, in the crockpot, on a budget and apparently am a G-D graphic designer. Yay!" I don't know where these bitches come from, are they bred like pedigree dogs? Because this is not a normal occurrence in nature. In fact I'm kind of pissed that these high levels of determination and drive even exist and they are thoroughly documented online, yet I have had NO CALLS about the incredibly low levels of determination I deal with. I would be the perfect contestant for a literal version of "The Biggest Loser". Just a 24/7 feed of my hopes and dreams slowly slipping away due to self sabotage as I lay on the couch playing Candy Crush Saga eating carbs.What? You wouldn't watch that? I would, of course, I love TV.

It's not like I don't want my blog to be great and have a bunch of followers, that would be cool. And I would love to have companies send me free swag to talk about, even if it's just rabbit food makers or obscure man wig manufacturers. But it looks like soooo mucchhh woorrkk..maybe if my to do list wasn't already 6 pages long I could squeeze some researching and blogging awesomeness in there but as of right now, my free time is better spent vacuuming and cleaning. Seriously, I was cleaning out my frig the other day and there was dog hair under the drawers at the bottom. How does that even happen? I don't recall ever shutting a dog in the fridge but then again I have been drinking more than usual since Thanksgiving. Plus I think a lot of it is following other people's blogs and I have this weird idea that my mind would be tainted if I read other people's funny stuff and I wouldn't be able to write my own honest and open views on things. I would start writing about homeschooling my kids and paleo-diets, I could see it becoming this whole Single White Female thing and it would just get weird. So for now you just get the bare bones with a couple of pictures thrown in once in a while.

Also I, like many, am a big fan of instant gratification. I am extremely impatient sometimes. Like if Rob and I are having a conversation about acquiring something, once we decide it's a go, I'm out the door.
Rob, shuffling papers "Well it looks like we can start looking for a new car!"
Rob "Ummm...It's 2:00 in the morning"
Rob "It's not even open. We can't go buy one right this instant."

And then he locks me in the bedroom and I scream "I'm TOO EXCITED TO SLEEEPPP!!" giggling and kicking all the blankets off the bed.
Obviously these other bloggers have dedicated a lot of their time to working on their blogs and it was probably a couple years before they started getting a large fan base. When they share their blog on Facebook it probably reaches a lot more people, because they have more Facebook friends than me. They probably have more Facebook friends because they are talk to. And they sleep around :D just kidding?

So anyways, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I think I might go get my fitness on. It's pretty tough on the streets, I need to be in peak condition for my upcoming dance fight. It will be spectacular!

Hey! After 9 people read this I'll have 1500 hits :D

Sure half of them are probably from fake computer robots trying to spam me but I'll take it!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Merry Freakin' (Late) Christmas

I've received hundreds of emails from my readers asking where is my Christmas blog post this week. And by hundreds of emails I mean I brought up the fact I didn't finish my Christmas post at our family Christmas gathering and my sister Emily said, "oh yeah, I thought you said were going to post something about Christmas" So much pressure!
Well here is why I never got it posted. I was not at all in the Christmas spirit. It took forever to snow, I didn't get any presents bought until two days before Christmas, my kitchen is a biohazard and I was on a low carb diet so no baking was going on, I was just pre-occupied this year. We didn't even know where we were going to have Christmas until the day before. That one was mostly my fault because I've been disowning family members a lot this year and refuse to buy them any presents or be near them, making everyone else in the family feel awkward about it. Did I ruin Christmas this year? Not in my opinion. I think it turned out pretty well which is a surprise because our family Christmases (Christmi, Christmeeses?) are always pretty interesting.

1. My mom is always buying us things we didn't ask for.
She did surprise me last year and get me something I had asked for, an Iowa State Cyclone scarf. it was freaking awesome. Even though she had called and asked Rob what I wanted and told him she would get the scarf, I still ended up with two. Rob knows not to trust my mom when she says she's going to do something. Even though the scarf was totally rad, truthfully I missed the thrill of the mystery gift.

2. She disguises presents in weird boxes.
Two years ago, everyone opening gifts thought they got clearance popcorn. I think someone really did get popcorn, once again MYSTERY GIIIFTT!! She's also evil with her weird boxes.
I remember when I was younger, my mom was wrapping a present for my brother. She had somehow gotten a hold of a Nike shoe box and used it to wrap up his present, a stuffed penguin. Mind you, my brother was well into his twentys by this point. Sweet! New Nikes! Just kidding, just a stuffed penguin and cans of corn to add weight.

3. My mother labels NOTHING.
Every single year someone ends up opening someone elses present. I'm surprised someone hasn't gotten hurt when my mom realizes its the wrong one, screams "WRONG PRESENT. THAT'S NOT YOURS!" and rips it out of your hands. Sometimes she doesn't get things wrapped and we just close our eyes and when we open them, YAY! PRESENT!

4. You don't get a present.
For years, my brother always got screwed out of Christmas. One year, my mom just forgot to get him anything. Usually she just forgets things in a closet somewhere and has to go look for it but one year she just forgot about him. And no one else got him anything because my younger sister and I were still kids, therefore not obligated to think about any one but ourselves, and our older sister was just broke.
Or if you are one of our relatives you end up opening a unexpected package in mid-March full of Christmas presents. Mom puts the 'pro' in procrastination.

5. Your present has been been peed on.
The following year, Zach finally got a present. It was a sweater. He tried it on, that's when we figured out the cat had peed on it. So we checked the other presents, nope it just peed on his. Sucks to be Zachary!

6. Extreme Cage Fighting.
Very few of our family gatherings ever occur without some kind of brawl. Once again, this one is usually me. I just don't get along with people. But in my defense, if we went with my ideas on how to celebrate there wouldn't be any issues, just fun. I mean, who could get mad at a Kristmas Karaoke party? Or a festive talent showcase?

7. Swearing.
Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas if there wasn't any swearing going on. Sometimes its just mixed casually into conversation, sometimes it's out of anger.

There are many more things I can think of but for the sake of your brain, I'm going to stop there plus I really want to get to this next part.

It's the first annual CHRISTMAS RECAP! 2012 Edition!

We had our family Christmas at Lacey and Ellie's house this year. Also my mom's boyfriend came to town for his first super classy get together that is our Christmas. So everyone gets there around 3:15 or so. My mom reminds me about Lacey's gift that I left in my basement and she also didn't get some presents wrapped, they were up at her house. So Rob and Dakotah give my mom a ride up to her house and they go get Lacey's present out of our basement and grab a couple other things we forgot. While they are gone, we video tape Ellie opening presents from her dad's side from California. I manage to say "b-hole" in the background of the recording, causing Ellie to die laughing shrieking "BUTTHOLE" and Lacey to chew me out. I was also in charge of watching the chili on the stove and not once, not twice but four times I would try sneaking a bite and it would fall back into the pot after already being partially in my mouth. Luckily no one saw me and probably have no idea unless they are reading this. Don't worry, it wasn't prechewed or anything and I tried to get those pieces back out right after they dropped in. No one opened the wrong presents but once again my mom did not label anything and we had to do some switching around. This year, Lacey also decided not to label presents either. Because apparently writing is too much work for these people. I purposely left all the price tags on everything I gave out because I wanted everyone to know where they stood with me. My mom actually enjoyed all of her gifts and Lacey's heartfelt card made her cry, *cough* suck up. We got some pretty cool stuff too. I'm not going to list it all here because if you read my blog, chances are you have low morals and you'll probably try to burglar our house. Plan foiled! But I will tell you that my mom's boyfriend made us all these really awesome cutting boards. The dogs and Magnus got me a calender with rat terriers on it and they got Rob nothing because I am a terrible wife. My younger sister Emily announced she is going to run away and join a group of fire performers to be a fire hooper, or as I heard it "I'm running away to light myself on fire and join the circus. And maybe be homeless for awhile." A couple days later she called to tell us she cut part of her finger off with a deli meat slicer at work. Unrelated but I felt I had to share. Overall it was a pretty good Christmas time.

In closing, that's my Christmas post. Sorry it was so late, I'm such a lazy bitch! I will be posted my New Year's post soon...or in mid-February. Whatev!