Tuesday, November 17, 2015

OOOHH Dreeaamweeaver, I believe you can get me through the niii-IIGHT

Dreams are crazy. I don't feel like we can be blamed for what happens in our dreams, technically it's our dreamselves. I'm not just saying that due to the inappropriate dream I had last night or even from my early morning, groggy Facebook search of a featured player from my dream last night to which I thought to myself, "Damn....you are really good looking..." which I then winked at myself and fell back asleep for a couple hours. But I will admit I started to feel a little bit guilty for my dreamactions between the 4th and 5th hit of the snooze button, that's usually about the time I gain some lucidity in the mornings.

On the one hand, dreamRachel should be allowed to do whatever she wants. I don't feel like our dreamselves should be held to any moral standard. We should be fully supportive of our dreamselves because they are basically us, just slightly blurrier. "Get it girl. You look real cute and there are no rules in dreamland."
On the other hand, in this specific instance, dreamRachel had to sit through several minutes of dreamSister yelling at me and calling me a whore. Which seems a little harsh considering I didn't even get past some light groping before we were rudely interrupted. Plus by the time this all happened dude was like, "Uhh....I'm going to go..." Which you can't really stop them at that point because then it's desperate and sad and weird so I was just like, "UGH. Fine. Bye. Maybe I'll see you later back on that beach outside with that angry restaurant owner in the cabana selling seashells. I guess."

So how can I feel bad about almost getting dreamlaid when I barely even got a foot on third base? I mean, my brain sent in my sister to break it up. If I wasn't such a stand up person, I'd almost argue that I should get at least a free pass for a hardcore make-out sesh in real life to make up for the fact that I'm constantly cock-blocking myself in my dreams. But that wouldn't be right...unless my husband would be ok with that...not saying I would but I mean, I guess if he was like, "Yeah, go for it" it would be rude to not do it, probably.

Anyways, my point is, we really can't be held responsible for what we do in our dreams, whether it be flying or heavy petting or street fighting but not being able to do any damage with our punches. So dream on little dreamers, embrace those few moments of pure, unadulterated freedom each night where you can do whatever you want and never have to worry about the repercussions. It's just a dream, unless you are awake, then that is real life and there are consequences.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Littlest Pet Shop of Horrors

Do you ever wondering if people who are really annoying realize just how incredibly annoying they are? We do.

We have this little pet/gardening supplies store in our town that I frequent to buy the house bun bun his pellets. He was about out so when I was off work last week I stopped by to pick some more up. Apparently they had just gotten a shipment of new fish in and they were getting everyone floated in their tanks and what not. I walk in, one of the guys greets me, asks if I need anything, I tell him no, just picking up some food and taking a look around. The other employees are clearly busy trying to put stuff away, the guy that greeted me goes into his office and answers the phone. So of course I start poking all the bunnies and taking to myself, "OOOOO SATINS! I wanna love you. Get in my purse, no one has to know.." "OOOOOO DUMBO RATS! Deeeguuuuuuuu" "OOOOO A GREEN-CHEEKED CONTURE! BIRDS."

I make my way over to the reptile area and I'm looking in all the cages, one of the employees sees me looking at a new snake and says, "We just got that guy in, he is a really cool green color." and I'm like "IS IT A GREEN VINE SNAKE?!" "Umm..not sure. He eats crickets though." "COOL. ARE THERE MORE GECKOS UNDER THAT HIDE?" "Uh yeah." He lifts up the log and I said, "COOL MORPHS! WOW! LOOK AT THAT BIG ONE! BLIZZARD MORPH?! COOL." Then he asks, "Do you want a gecko?" "YEAH. But I'm not allowed one -_-"

So I continued to walk around asking hypothetical questions and pointing out the different reptiles, "OOO ANOLES...OOO BEARDIE...OOO CRESTED!" Then I go back to check on the fish tanks, literally barreling through their boxes because I'm basically an unsupervised child at this point. "YOU GOT IN SOME PUFFERS! FIGURE EIGHT PUFFERS!! SPOTTEDS TOO!!!COOL." Then the very patient employee says, "Oh come here, you'll like these guys.." and walks me over to another tank with some Indian Dwarf puffers in it. "AWWWW. THEY ARE SO CUTE! IS THIS BRACKISH?! IS IT FRESH?! HEY YOU GOT ANOTHER SIDENECK TURTLE! WHAT KIND OF CAT (catfish) IS THIS?! red tail? I LOVE REDTAILS! THEY ARE MY FAVORITE SPECIES OF CATFISH!" Side Note* Red-tailed catfish get huge and should not really be sold as a hobby fish in a pet store.

I knew I was getting super annoying but I didn't care because animals. Finally, I went and checked out and they were happy to see me go. Also for the record, I am usually very against stores selling pets, especially rabbits, but this one is pretty good as far as care goes. I used to go in all the time and yell at them about whoever they bought bunnies from weaning the babies too quickly but I noticed they are doing a lot better about it. Yes, I'm that crazy lady. My husband refuses to go in the store with me anymore because of my behavior.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I'm Just A Teenage Dirtbag, Baby

When I was a teenager, I was an asshole.

"Oh you, everyone is an asshole when they are younger." No, I mean I was a huge, f-ing asshole. For literally no reason except for the fact I could be an asshole. I would get ridiculously mad over little things, like my mom asking me to do something like do the dishes. Sometimes I wouldn't even need a reason, I was just mad..and sad..and every single other emotion all at the same time. It was a hurricane of teen angst. Even now, when I look back on it, I can't think of a single thing I could say to teen me that would have made me calm the shit down. And frankly I can't think of a single thing teen me could say to adult me that would prevent adult me from beating teen me's ass. If I could go back in time, walk up and just sucker punch teenage me, I would do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even care if I ended up in jail, which would be bullshit anyways, beating the crap out of your younger self after all the effort time travel takes shouldn't be against the law in any timeline.

I can picture that interaction.
Adult me- "Hey asshole. *sucker punch*"
Teen me- "You f-ing bitch, what the hell?!"
*Struggle, struggle, struggle..fist fight...I sit on teen me*
Adult me- "Listen up you little fucker, I'm you from the future. You need to knock this 'I think I'm a badass' shit off right now or so help me God I will ruin your life."
Teen me- "Well I've got a real smart mouth and act like I have my period 24/7 and I hate everything."
Adult me- "Yeah, and I came all the way back in time to slap you in that smart mouth of yours, you little emo piece of shit. What the hell is wrong with you? Because I try to think back to what was so bad in our life that you felt the need to constantly be a dick and I can't figure it out. Honestly, I don't even care, just knock it off."
Teen me- "Well I'm not EVER going to stop being a smart ass. You can't tell me what to do anyways. You don't even technically exist yet. Plus you look like you have your shit together. I mean you managed to care enough to find a time machine and come back here to teach me a lesson. Do we end up in prison? Why you gotta be all up in my business?"
Adult me- "Uh, well, no.. no we don't end up in prison. I mean, like life is pretty good. We have a good job, a great family, a house, nice car.. there is this thing called Amazon Prime that we order whatever the hell we want and get it in like two days. Our husband doesn't even care that we spent like $30 in juggling paraphernalia last month..."
Teen me- "Then why the hell are you here? If shit worked out so well, why are you sitting on me?........Oh fuck.. are..are we dying? ARE WE FUCKING DYING?! Oh God, what is it? Are you addicted to prescription pills or something? WHAT DID YOU DO, FUTURE ME?!"
Adult me- "Jesus spaz, calm down. We aren't fucking dying. I dunno, I guess I just don't like you that much. I mean, not that I didn't learn anything. You are going to do a lot of stupid shit but we'll learn some valuable life lessons from it. I guess just tone it down a little. At least be nicer to our family. Stop being such a dick to Mom, help out around the house a little. Do some homework once in awhile. Don't take anything for granted and talk to your great grandmother more."
Teen me- "Ok! Whatever! Now leave me alone I'm going to go listen to Blink 182, circle things I want in my Delia*s catalog and then write all over my bedroom wall to express my constant sorrow because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME."

 Yep. Sounds accurate.