Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Goose Story

One time my friend at work was talking about getting a gosling, naming it Ryan and letting it live in her pocket. Yes, she and I are probably soulmates. This reminded me of the goose story.

When I was a child, we lived on an acreage. On our acreage was our house, it was actually an underground house.
Artist Sketch

(After I made that beautiful sketch I found this picture. This was after we abandoned it for a few years so the windows are boarded up and it looks like crap but you get the idea.)
Side note: apparently I am an amazingly accurate artist.

So one day my mom was home, cleaning the house with the windows open. As you can see the windows are at ground level. No screens of course, that way we didn't have to use the stairs, we would just jump in and out of them. While she was cleaning, she heard a crazy  murder noise outside and saw that our dog was attacking a Canadian goose out in the yard. Being a hero, she ran out to get the dog away from the goose. She was chasing the dog away and the goose escaped. Not seeing it anywhere she was all *shoulder shrug* "Meh!" and returned to the house. When she got inside she found the goose had gotten inside by jumping through the window and was FREAKING out, which is to be expected I guess. Eventually she was able to get it out of the house but it was injured so it couldn't fly away. So it just hung out by the apple tree, chillin'.

Once we got home we decided to net the thing. Basically we ran around screaming like banshees taking turns throwing some kind of definitely not a goose net thing over it while it hissed and tried to bite us. Finally we got the hammock or what ever the hell we were using on the goose and I tackled it to the ground like Steve Irwin tackles crocodiles in heaven. We put it in the box and planned on taking it this pond area in town where all the other geese hang out. I think we assumed one of the other geese was a goose shaman and would be able to magically heal it's broken ass wing. None of what we did that day made any god damn sense. We dropped my little sister off at my mom's boyfriend's house and heading to the pond to reunite it with it's family. By the time we got there it was already dead. It had been dead for a while. THEEE END!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

You Are What You Pretend To Be..Even a Unicorn!

I basically had the best weekend ever. Our story begins on Saturday when I walked into Kohl's and found the mecca of Peter Pan collar tops. I've literally been searching for several weeks for these fancy blouses so it was a very dramatic moment. Then on Saturday night I hung out with some pretty cool folks which was alright for the most part and THEN! ON SUNDAY! We went to Wizard World Comic Con and it was THE BEST. I had so much fun. We saw some awesome artists, I got to meet Jason Mewes, took some selfies together and got an autograph, bought a lot of cool art prints and stuff, looked deep into my soul and discovered an embarrassing passion, paid $4 for a small powerade, you know all the normal things one does while at a convention.
 Fine. I'll say it. I'm only 93% ashamed to admit it. I enjoy making costumes and wearing them, on Halloween... and also to other events such as Comic Con. It was super fun and an excellent creative outlet for me. I will not use the term "cosplay" when referring to myself because that's super lame. I just like to dress up in costumes. It's not a big deal, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. I'm not a weird cosplayer...... that's what I kept telling myself when I was in the bathroom at the convention center adjusting my tail and applying more purple lipstick...

Yes. I know I'm a giant nerd, I figured that out this morning when I was almost late for work because I was trying to adjust the way my new Jurassic Park employee badge was hanging from my rear view mirror. And it was set in stone when I was explaining to my co-worker that I hung it up there so it would look like I actually work there and have to show it when I drive up to get into the facility. Safety rules and precautions be damned, looking like I am a certified dino park ranger is totally worth the obstruction of my vision while driving. 

I'm just really embarrassed by the whole thing and asking myself what brought me to this point. I imagine this is the same feeling parents feel when they find out their teenage son had been collecting strands of hair he finds around and has turned them into a softball size hairball. With a face. Like I'm not really ok with it but I'm trying to understand and keep an open mind.

Here's a picture of my cospla...costume.
Husband and I getting our pose on

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Nice Ads: You been working out?

First of all, I want to say thank you to all those who view my blog! Whether you like me or hate me, I appreciate the dedication to whichever side of the cause you are on. I can't say it enough how sincerely grateful I am that people actually read this crap. Truly grateful. I love you all.

Secondly, now that Google finally approved my blog to display ads, as shitty as they might be at times, I am proud to announce my blog has finally gotten off it's lazy ass and starting pulling it's weight around here. Yes, that's right, my blog has made me money. This cash cow has raked me in a whole $1.16 in the last two months. I'm thinking about quitting my job. Actually, I find the ads a little annoying (not you Amazon Kindle, we cool) but I figure if I keep my chin up maybe someday they will be better. Like right now, as I am typing this, the ad displayed is a poor quality, probably stolen off someone's old MySpace page picture of a very respectable woman dressed like a skank with the caption "Get a Girlfriend now" in a generic font. Full of class, just like myself.

I was kind of upset when I realized the ads I was so thrilled to get ended up being a bunch of weird, phishy looking dating sites and "talk to women near you" banners. Apparently they feel those ads are relevant to my blog..perhaps it is time for me to self-reflect on the content I am posting. I'm working on getting those ads changed but until then try to restrain yourself from clicking them. Sure I will make like 5 cents if you do but it's really, really not worth it to me. Feel free to click away if the Amazon Kindle guy comes back or any other legitimate looking ad. Other than that, just steer clear. Especially if you are a relative and are just going to end up calling me and asking "Can you come look at my computer?! IT'S acting WEIRD..." Yeah well, don't click on my shitty ads. Life lessons.

30 seconds later
Update: Hahahaha. Funny story. So I published this post and viewed it so I could share it to Facebook, as one does, when I realized I'm a total fucking idiot. Obviously, AdSense is one of those things that pulls your search history for what ads to display. When I pulled my blog up on my phone it displayed an ad for Comic Con and clothing store. Clearly the weird hot singles and get a Girlfriend dressed like a skank ads are targeting my laptop history. I thought to myself "MY HUSBAND HAS GOT SOME MOTHER PLUCKING EXPLAINING TO DO." Then I remembered he uses his own laptop and I had a flashback to one of my late night pursuing of those creepy Craigslist personal ads. Yes, I admit it, sometimes I look at those creepy ads in hopes of snapchatting some really great pictures to my bestie. DON'T JUDGE ME.
Honestly I can't believe I'm such an idiot. I was blinding by my new-found fortune. I'm still posting this and feel free to give me shit about it forever and ever.