Friday, October 30, 2015

Stolen Office Supplies

It's the day before Halloween and my blog is getting a bunch of hits from Pinterest again. To keep with my creative streak, I present all the shit I have told my co-workers I stole from work and what I did with it:

1. Hundreds of gallons of water from the water cooler to fill my exotic koi fish pond.
2. All the white-out and I used it to paint my house. When they asked how the white-out doesn't wash off in the rain..
3. Rolls and rolls of book tape that I used to shittily laminate my entire house. It's kind of like thicker clear packing tape but it says book tape so it's more expensive.
4. Black sharpies. For touching up the black shutters on my house. Not for butt stuff, you perv.
5. Toilet paper. This one is for butt stuff.
6. One year we had a bunch of DVDs stolen from their cases. I told them it was me and I have an expansive collection if anyone ever wants to come over and "Stolen dvd and chill". Wink wink.
7. Lots and lots of paperclips. I melted them down and made them into new gutters.
8. Binder clips. They hold up my shower curtain.

Lately I've been hoarding rubber bands, I'm planning on weaving them together and making a trampoline.

Anytime something goes missing, I claim to have stolen it. In retrospect this is probably a really stupid idea but whatever. If people take me seriously, that's their issue. And if I get framed for theft by a rouge co-worker and go to prison, that's between me, the state and my new prison wife, Big Deborah.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Save the Drama

I think the worst people in the world are the ones who gossip and lie about other people in hopes to get them ahead somehow or make them look like they are trustworthy. If you spend hours of your day, gossiping and telling half truths or even just stating things way out of context because you know it will sound a lot worse, please do everyone a favor and go somewhere. Just go, get on outta here.

To be clear, I don't mean the occasional, "OH MY GOD. I can NOT stand so-and-so. They are completely ridiculous. I told her that I wouldn't be able to meet up later because my boss is making me stay late to work on a special project and she hung up on me. Now she won't return any of my texts or calls because she's upset with me. I can't just leave and I don't why she doesn't get it." There is a huge, HUGE between venting or saying something that actually took place and the shit I'm talking about.

For instance, say you had something come up at work:
You - "Hey, I am so bummed. You know how we are already super short handed at work? Well Jillian quit and Todd had emergency brain surgery. I know I promised to hang out all day with you on your birthday and go to the spa and shit but I wanted to warn you I *might* have to work for a few hours. It's not for sure yet, they were going to look at the schedule and try to figure something out. They know I've have a request in for taking that day off for months and they are really good and making sure we get the days off we ask for. It's probably not even going to affect my schedule, I just brought it up on the very super slim chance, everyone else dies and I have to work."

A normal person might remark: " Man that sucks but I totally understand. We will just hope for the best! Worse case scenario we can always meet up once you're off!"

You - "Like I said, honestly I probably won't even have to go in. Doug has been looking for extra hours and Tiffany is going on vacation soon and wanted some extra cash. I just wanted to let you know so I don't disappoint you. I'll let you know what's up as soon as they tell me!"

Normal person - "It's cool, man! Don't worry about it! I know you've been stressed out lately with everything going on. I can't wait to see you! Call me and let me know what's up, I have to go Heimlich Maneuver this guy choking on a hot dog."

Then you have this person:

You - "....everyone else dies and I have to work."

Dramatic a-hole: "OMG ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. WELL I MIGHT AS WELL CALL AND CANCEL OUR RESERVATION THEN. MY BIRTHDAY IS TOTALLY RUINED, I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN HAVE ONE. I MADE RESERVATIONS, I PICKED OUT A PLACE FOR LUNCH, MY OUTFIT. FORGET IT. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB THAN ME, THEN YOU JUST DO IT."

You - "Woah! Like I said, I probably won't even have to go in! There are two other people who want the hours. I just wanted to bring it up in case something weird happens and they need me."

Dramatic a-hole - "JUST FORGET IT, I ALREADY CALLED AND CANCELLED THE RESERVATION. THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT. I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN SO I NEVER HAD A BIRTHDAY SO YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE RUINED IT."

And that's when someone gets a round house kick to the face.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Transformation Tuesday


So I posted this picture to Facebook last Tuesday for Transformation Tuesday:

April 29, 2014 to October 6, 2015



Because I've been working really hard to lose weight for the last 16 or so months. Being the Negative Yet Realistic Rachel I am, I'm sure there are plenty of people who look at this and think, "Yo bitch, it's nothing special that you lost a bunch of weight you should have never gained in the first place. There is no reason to applaud you." To those people I say, "Fuck you" and also "Yeah, you're completely right." It's true, I NEVER should have allowed myself to gain that much weight. I wasn't disabled, I didn't have a pregnancy, there was absolutely no reason what so ever I should have gained that much weight. I have no excuse for why but this is the how:

June 2013 - We finally decided we would have a baby so I quit taking my birth control and started preparing. So exciting!
August 2013 - First month of actually trying to conceive.
September 2013 - Didn't work. Sad but that's ok! Maybe it will just take a couple months for my body to get back to normal after years of birth control. Let's try again!
October 2013 - Nope. Maybe I just needed to even out my hormones a little longer.
November 2013 - Another negative. Went to a baby seminar, felt stupid but won a baby bathtub. There was still hope at this point.
December 2013 - October 2014 - Still nothing. Starting to think something isn't right so we make an appointment with an OB/GYN. During this time, I went through all the emotions. Every month I would go from hopefully to devastated. It was getting to be too much. At the doctor's we did one test on me, one test on husband. Our 3rd and last appointment, the doctor told us there was nothing they could do here for us, referred us to a fertility clinic and thanked us for coming. He told us to come back if we got pregnant.

I don't remember when it started, maybe some point in spring 2013, I pretty much just slowly got to the point where I stopped caring, I became super destructive and just didn't give a shit what happened to me. I didn't care about anything, I just wanted to feel good or numb or anything other than sad. I just wanted to sleep, eat, party, repeat. (To be fair, those are still in my top five activities) But instead of moderation or control I did these things with reckless abandon. I was selfish and I saw nothing wrong with that behavior.

Moral of the story: I obviously didn't handle shit well. I know that, I live with those consequences every day. Every time I put on my clothes, every time I look in the mirror. I know it was stupid, believe me. But it happened and the only thing I can do at this point is try to fix it. Which is I'm doing.