Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Old People Know What They're Doing...

As I grow older, I find myself becoming more content with the things I have. Like the other day, I went to get a new phone. Not that I wanted a new phone but I was eligible for a new one and my phone was getting a little old and sure it didn't work half the time but I liked my phone. I didn't mind that it would freeze up or take forever to do stuff. I also don't really NEED anything, I used to constantly NEED things, random things that I really didn't need but I NEEEDDDDD ITTTTT. (With the except of the megaphone I saw the other day in a Kohl's....I do actually need that if someone could please get it for me.)

But besides the megaphone, I don't really NEED things like I used to. So as I sit and think about growing older, I find myself observing all the other things I can expect to happen as I age. Yes, I know I'm still kind of young and have a way to go before I'm actually an elderly person but the more I see, the more excited I am getting. So I've complied this list of awesome things I get to do when I'm old:

1. Act like the rules don't apply to me. Screw your rules, I'm old. I've been following rules too damn long, I do what I want!! Traffic laws, screw you, I'll drive in ALL the lanes muther fluckers! Parking spot lines, I'm done with your stupid yellow lines, I'll park where I want! Unspoken rules of common courtesy,  fu-get-about-it! I've been holding in my farts for years, I'll fart in public if I want! Crop dustin' beotchs.

2.Be super sweet or be a total asshole, maybe at the same time. This happens all the time. Some old lady will be really nice and as soon as you do or say something they don't agree with BAM. You're suddenly ruining people's lives and they "hope you're happy with yourself".

3. Discounts for being old. What can I say, I'm a cheap ass.

4. Super easy to dress. You can just buy a bunch of those sweatpant/sweatshirt sets. Or a couple zip front house dresses. And spandex waisted pants. And comfortable, velcro orthopedic footwear. Dis is da life...

5. No more work. You don't have to work anymore! You can spend your days doing whatever you want, like watching TV all day and you don't have to feel bad about it.

6. You get to wear full coverage underwear with no shame. Grannie Panties 4 Lyfe.

As you can see, there is a ton of cool shit you get to do once you're old. I don't know why people get so turned off by it. I've just realized that morbidly obese hill folk also reap the above stated benefits, with the exception of number three. And morbid obesity might be easier to achieve....hmmm...well that settles it. I'm off to KFC for a 12 piece family meal and google me some West Virgina real estate. Spandex, here I come!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Facebook Reposts- Rachel: A Memoir

I was browsing my own Facebook profile today when I found a "note" that I had posted back in 2009 that made me laugh. Automatic blog post? I think so! Reading it over I realize I was kind of a little bitch. For the record it's NOT ok to make fun of people because you think they are weird. I clearly wrote this before I realized I am weird myself. I could have re-wrote it and taken out the parts that I thought I was being too mean but I was who I was and editing it now doesn't change that fact. Please enjoy:

Haha.. this is a great example of who I am..

SO .. today I was going through all my crafting supplies, paper, etc and I hidden in a file folder I found a little something that is just an perfect example of me. What I found was a couple notes I just have to share with the world. I used to work at this place with a man named Phil, maybe in his 40's (?), and a gal named Julie, late 40's early 50's (?)..Some how , some way I started this thing at work where I would write funny little love notes to Phil everyday I worked, also involved in this love triangle was a guy, a guy who came in all the time, was just a little stinky, or very stinky, pretty fat, very unattractive,wore this great looking gold gym shorts and also had no idea how much we made fun of him, which looking back, I can see why we did, he was so weird.. (haha being cruel is another word for being honest).. we will call him.. *Tom* (name has been changed to protect the innocent)

Now for an exert from the book of Rachel:A Memoir: the High School Senior Year Edition
I will begin with a responsive note from phil to me:

Thanks for the rest of the candy. I can't believe *Tom* parted with food and gave it away. I know the REAL reason you gave me the rest of the candy. You miss me and want me back don't you! I know *Tom* is more of a man than I am ( about 140 lbs) more probably, but if he is willing to give you up, I'll take you back. I'm the biggest catch since Moby Dick so don't let this chance get away. Forever yours, Phil.. P.S. The box is empty, but my heart isn't! (Note: this was stuck on the top of an empty chocolate box.

My response to Phil:

I've noticed *tom* hasn't been up to visit lately and when I saw him ringing bells outside of the mall he didn't say a word to me. Is this another one of your cheap shots to break up our once beautiful relationship? I tried to get a hold of him to ask if he would join me for my family Christmas. He won't return my calls so I am not returning his gold gym shorts. Something smells fishy here Phil, and its not his BO. These childish games have to stop. I love you Phil, but I'm not IN LOVE with you. You have to understand... what I need right now is a that friend Phil, be that friend.

Now a note I found at work another day.. from..well lets find out...

Owner and wife are in Missouri. Wife said she can't be here to keep an eye on you so you're not to get married or get in trouble until they get back!!!
Owner Said if it snows you can use the vehicle to clear the driveway. HA HA! Or you can call #### #####. #### said he would plow but if he forgets you should call him at home.
Also - I talked to Rachel about working tonight (Saturday) if I can't make the long journey in from ######. She said she would. I'll try my hardest just so I can see you and brush up against you! Oh how I miss you! I sure hope Rachel doesn't see this and get jealous. She might hurt me.. (heart drawn) Julie

My response on the note from Julie for Phil,,
Phill! How dare you!! I can't believe you and Julie! Right in front of me too! I was so blinded by love I didn't even notice what was going on! I was stupid to think I could get you to settle down. Once a bachelor, always a bachelor. I thought you wanted to be with me.. Me me me me me me me me! NOT JULIE! So what if she's always on time and her gas balances most of the time.. I try! Doesn't that count for anything?! All I can say is thanks.. Thanks for showing me there are no more good men left in this world. I just hope everything works out for you two. I'm not going to try anymore. I guess I'm meant to be alone. (sad face) Rachel

So that's all I have to share for today.. hopefully someday me and my love will meet again.. maybe I'll drop off a note and some flowers to him soon.. I wonder if that will finally put my heart at peace, or only bring back the feelings we both had for each other.. I guess we will all just have to wait until the next chapter in .....
*dramatic music*
Rachel: A Memoir