Conversations with Rob

In our endeavor to find a treat all the dogs will enjoy, we have been purchasing a variety for them to sample. The other day we received a pack of Himalayan Dog Chews, $9.07 Amazon.com. This is the conversation that occurred soon after.

 

Me-"Bahh. I gotta go back to work, watch them with their  treats. None of them are actually eating them, they are just guarding them. Bella is an asshole."

R- "I'm going to eat them."

Me- "Gross. Don't eat them."

R-"People eat them. I'm going to eat them. They are safe for human consumption. Sherpas eat them"

Me-"Don't eat them, SOME of them are safe for human consumptions. Those specifically, probably are not. Don't eat them, you're not a sherpa."

R- "PSHH. I'm a sherpa!"

Me- "You're not a sherpa."

R- "Yeah I am. I'm a sherpa."

Me- "You're not a sherpa, don't eat them."

R- "UMMMMMM...Pretty SHERpa am....."

Me- "......"

R- "BUK YUK BUK YUK YUK *muppet laugh*"

Me- "Jesus Christ, I'M GOING BACK TO WORK! loveyoubye." *walks out door**comes back in* "That was really funny." *leaves again*

Animal Control

There is something you should know about me, I have a habit of picking up stray animals. In fact, the last time I picked up two dogs the animal control guy gave me a leash to keep in my car. I almost always have a leash in my car but I took two of them out just a week or two before, so he offered me one to leave in there, you know, for all the stray dog catching I do. I have been around animals my entire life. I can tell by their body language how they are feeling, I don't lack common sense and I'd never full on approach an animal if I felt like I was putting myself in unnecessary danger. Unless I looked into it's eyes and could see the good in it. Much like those women who fall in love with serial killers spending life in prison. LET ME FIX YOU!

I had the leash in my car and I thought to myself "HEY. This is great for dogs...but what about the other critters?" Of course! I'll throw the rabbit's carrier in there too, Magnus won't mind. I rolled around town for a couple weeks with my carrier and leash until the husband needed to use the vehicle. Let's just say he was NOT on board with my idea of outfitting the unlimited (my Ford Escape) with all my critter control tools. I also told him that he couldn't be my deputy and assigned him to evidence collection and hazmat crew. Basically his job is cleaning up any poop accidents. He immediately resigned and told me to take the carrier out of the blankity-blank car.

Low and behold, last week I was tagged in a post asking if my rabbit was out running around a neighborhood a few blocks from me. It was not Mags, he was safe and cozy in the house, it was another pet bunny that had either escaped of been "freed". So I took it upon myself to save this rabbit's life. I messaged the person who posted the initial picture but by that time it had run off and hid. Two days later I received a pm that it came back. My niece and I jumped in the critter control vehicle when I got off work and off we went wabbit huntin'. By some miracle, I had the rabbit caught and secured in about 15 minutes. It went waayyy better than anyone ever imagined. Everyone came out unscathed and Ellie and I looked as professionally badass as a 7 year old in cowboy boots and a 28 year old in a TMNT shirt running around with a banana singing "Bad bun, bad bun. Whatcha gon doo, whatcha gon do when dey come fa you.." softly under their breath could possibly look. Yes, rabbits love bananas and yes I wear my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt A LOT and yes I like having a soundtrack to go with everything I do.

I dropped off my deputy at her house and headed back to headquarters with the new little fella. Yes, it is definitely a boy. He had very prominent testicles. I made him up some temporary housing to chill in for a couple days until we found the owner or I could take him to a rescue. I did get a ton of judgmental looks from everyone in the household. I don't know why, bringing in stray, possibly diseased animals seems like a brilliant idea. Plus it's not like I was confident I would catch the thing. I mean it's an damn rabbit, who in the hell catches an effing rabbit? I just figured I'd give it a go so I could feel less guilty when I passed it on the way to work sometime the following week, dead in the middle of the road. I was just as surprised as anyone that I actually caught him. Considering how thin he was, he probably just didn't have it in him to fight me off. That and rabies.

A couple things I learned during this rabbit saving adventure:

#1. Not all rabbits are fluffy little clouds of fur like Magnus. Granted this stranger danger rabbit was pretty dirty from being out in the wilderness but even his little head furs are much coarser than Maggie's.

#2. If they aren't raised with dogs from 6 weeks old, they are terrified of them. Obviously I knew this but when my dogs came trotting down the stairs to check things out, I was not expecting this rabbit to go full on boxing stance and try to fight me while I was changing his water. Everyone is so use to our little chillaxin' bunny that even the dogs were like "WTF?! Why is this guy freaking out?!"

#3. Rabbits are not like dogs. Out of curiosity, I took Mags downstairs to observe the other rabbit, just to see what would happen. I figured it would be fine since they were separated by the cage and I would make sure my house bunny didn't get close to or touch anything near the outdoor bunny's cage, for health reasons. Well, didn't really have to worry because they barely even made eye contact before Magnus realized he's never explored the basement and took off to see what he could find. Neither rabbit could care less about the other one.

Something I have definitely realized is what an awesome rabbit I have in Magnus, not that there is anything wrong with the found bunny, he just isn't my baby. The new bunny is now safe at the Animal Rescue League, awaiting his new home. I hope he finds someone to love him as much as I love my little punkin.

Also I couldn't outright cry when dropping him off, I had an audience of my bestie, her daughter and my niece and I was trying to use it as a learning experience for the little girls that we were doing a very good thing for da bun. Believe me, if those kids weren't there I would have been a blubbering fool. Full on, curled up on the ground while using my legs to spin myself in a circle while ugly crying. The pain was real.

Major Events

Yes, I'm slacking on the posting but I have a legitimate reason. I've decided to quit my job, sell my belongings and move out to LA to follow my dreams of being an actor. I'm leaving my friends and family in hopes to become a star. Do I feel bad? A little but I've decided that I can't live my life for everyone around me anymore, I have to live it for me. You one get one life and sometimes you have to make hard decisions.  It's time for me to be selfish and just do it........

is what I would say if I ever decided to do that. I'm not 100% on the wording but that's what I've been busy doing. Making up fake speeches in case I ever have to make a major announcement in my life. Here is another one:

Ahem, excuse me everyone I have an announcement. After much consideration and self reflection, I have decided to join the Church of Scientology. My very good friend, John Travolta has committed his time to helping me in my conversion. I am excited to be working under world-renowned Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant, Beaker in their ongoing endeavor to finally prove that...what? What do you mean that's not what Scientology is...It's what?! That doesn't even make any sense. L. Ron who? Oh yeah that sci-fi author..The leader?! What do you mean "leader", like department head? Well yeah, I mean I thought the church part seemed a little weird but....Oh shit. Ok...yeah..yeah I didn't know that at all. This was a mistake. I was thinking it was something completely different. Ok, I need a minute to figure some shit out....

Then there is my retirement speech:

Thank you all for being here today, I am truly honored and grateful. If you would have told me 103 years ago when I first started at the library that someday I would be owing my great success to my Persian Mechacat boss after a simple mistake in a lab caused millions of tainted vials of cat vaccines to be shipped and administered to millions of felines all over the world, causing them to quickly evolve into hyper intelligent beings who then took control of all the major financial markets, ceasing economic struggle, creating jobs and masterfully overseeing this globalized, yet surprisingly well functioning, ultra safe world of ours, I would have laughed and said, "Without thumbs?!" and you would have replied, "No, the whole evolution thing gave them thumbs.." which I would retort, "Oh duh. Sorry. I am really, REALLY hungover this morning." Which is why I'd like to dedicate this toast to you, Doctor Maurice Fluffybottom. Your understanding, compassion and strong work ethic has always encouraged me to do my best. You have never hesitated to roll up your tiny, cat sleeves and jump in when we needed help. You have been a champion for the human and feline right to information and intellectual freedoms across the territory. You are truly a gentlecat and a scholar...

I also started writing one

I GUESS IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME EATING THE REST OF YOUR PIZZA, YOU SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN YOUR NAME ON IT OR UH I DON'T KNOW, JUST FREAKING TOLD ME. SO DON'T JUMP DOWN MY THROAT THE SECOND I WALK IN FROM WORKING ALL DAY BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BOTHER TO LEAVE A NOTE OR MENTION THAT YOU WERE PLANNING ON EATING THAT ONE LAST PIECE OF PIZZA THAT HAS BEEN SITTING IN THE FRIDGE FOR THREE DAYS. ALSO WHILE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT, I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN USING MY SHAMPOO. DON'T TRY AND DENY IT. OH REALLY?! FINE, COME HERE LET ME SMELL YOUR HAIR THEN. NO, PROVE ME WRONG, COME HERE AND.LET.ME.SMELL.YOUR.HAIR. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE?!


I'm not sure in what context I'll use that one for. Maybe like a birthday party or something. So yeah, as you can see, I've been pretty busy with that so not a lot of time for blogging. Hopefully I'll get back into a normal routine here soon.

I'm not pregnant. But that might not be all that bad.

Because I am nosy myself, I have a natural sympathy for all those other people out there who like knowing what other people have going on in their lives, I'm going to update you quickly on our whole pregnancy journey. There isn't really one. We both did minor testing with the OB/GYN here and found out we had issues. He told us he unfortunately couldn't do anything else for us at this point and we should head down to the fertility clinic and see what they say. I printed off some of the initial paperwork for the consultation, which included an insurance questionnaire to find out what is covered and what isn't. Our insurance covers very little, as in absolutely none of the actual procedures. And although we might have the money to start the process, we won't have the money to continue it. So we rather just back burner it at this point.
This is my my explanation on why we are currently paused in our epic battle of procreation. Now for the part where we pretend not to be bitter and I try to uplift everyone's spirits with humor.

Not getting immediately pregnant has come with a few benefits, believe it our not. What most men don't understand, at least speaking from my own experience of owning lady bits and pretty much being a medical professional, is that the yearning to become a mother comes deep down from our hormonal uteruses. I like to call it the H-hole. It's like a black hole but shoots out feelings. This is the same place that makes me attempt to rip the refrigerator door off a couple times a month because I wanted cereal but some IDIOT drank all the god damn milk. See me, over there crying because my pants look too short on me today? Blame my H-Hole.That death glare I'm giving the 76 year old lady at Target because even though I wasn't going to buy that shirt I was looking at it with my eyes from 7 aisles over so technically it already belongs to me? Thanks a lot, H-hole.

Having to really work at something tends to give you a lot of time to think decisions through. After several months, much of the emotions start to give way to actual reasoning. Kids are a huge responsibility. You are in charge of raising a human being and keeping them alive and in decent condition. And here is the kicker, just because they turn 12 (or 18 or whatever) doesn't mean you can stop being a parent. Personally I don't know if I want to be the subject of some internally shattered, yet devastatingly good looking adult's therapy session and knowing who I am, it's a possibility that will be the case if I have a child. I tend to teeter right on the edge of sanity and some of the things I do even catch me off guard. I really don't need a little, tiny shadow running around lighting little, tiny fires next to my great big ones. Even if that does sound super fun and we would be best friends.

Kids are expensive as FUUUUUUdge. Quality fudge. Know what's even more expensive? Paying upwards of $16,000 for IVF just to try having one. If the thought of paying $40 for a bag of fancy dog food makes my eye twitch when my dogs stare and bark at me just to be jerks, I can't imagine the passive aggressive shit I would unleash on an ungrateful 15 year old who thinks they can tell me what to do in my own house. I'd immediately slip an invoice under their door... first payments due on the 15th jackass. Better keep up on it too, I will send my own child to collections to prove a point, I am not that mature. Yeah, you better go find Dad.

Not only am I unreasonable, I'm also sensitive. One morning my niece was telling me about another kid at school who was being mean to her. In the five blocks it took to drive her to school, I had already decided to quit my job and homeschool her but not until after I stormed in the school and chewed out the principal for not doing their job and allowing this heinous bullying to happen. After worrying all day, I stopped by my sister's after work and showed Ellie my phone, "Is this the girl?!" "Yeah" she replied. Good, I thought, because I tracked down her, her mom, her grandma (on both sides) and have already memorized their addresses and phone numbers. With tears in my eyes, I rose my fist to the heavens and shouted, "DON'T WORRY SQUID! I WILL AVENGE YOUR HONOR!!" and she says, "It's ok Auntie, we're friends now. We played at recess." .............WHAT KIND OF SICK MIND GAMES DO YOU FIRST GRADERS PLAY THESE DAYS?! Hours earlier I was fully prepared to go to prison over this shit and now you're friends??! I preemptively joined a gang for you!!! Do you know how hard it is to find a legitimate gang with a heavy focus on philanthropy yet still has mad street cred in our area?! I only had like two to choose from.

Kids are super frustrating. I think back to when Ellie was just a little bug. She was adorable but she could be so, so naughty. Like running off in a store and hiding behind the toilet paper.... or crying over every little thing that happened, good or bad. Or the entire summer when she repeatedly would only eat the frosting off the tops of cupcakes and throw the rest in the trash.
"Ok, if I give you this cupcake do you PROMISE that you won't just lick the frosting off and throw the rest away?"
"Yes."
"Ok..remember you promised..."
"I prooomiiissse...." in her squeaky, little singsong voice.
Hands her cupcake, she licks all the frosting off, gets all squinty eyed and says, "IIII don't think I like this...." throws in trash.

She was literally banned from eating any cupcakes, cookies or whatever else had frosting on it for like a year. We still don't trust her completely.

But damn was she cute. Look at that little arctic seal baby. Awwww. She's older now but still as cute with the added bonus of the funny things she says. I love her so much.

So that's it. I promise to make these posts shorter some day.

THE Blog Post.

Every time I log into Blogger, I get excited to see how many "hits" my blog has gotten since the previous login, about 15 minutes prior. What can I say, I like feeling special.

Well in the last few months, I've had one of my blog posts gain momentum on Pinterest. It's the one explaining the Father's Day post picture which I also happen to brag about my sweet crafting skills when I made those bad ass angel wings for a bachelorette party. This post. So I noticed a bunch of traffic from Pinterest and did a quick edit to explain how I made them because apparently people wanted an actual tutorial and not just pictures of me drunk performing an exorcism. Psssh. Who wouldn't want that? Weirdos.

At first it was cool because I was like, "What what! Pinterest famous! #blessed" but now I just feel used. Like a dirty, angel wing harlot. They didn't want me, they just wanted my angel wings. They don't even click around to humor me just wham, bam, thank you ma'am. One and done. Needless to say, my feelings are somewhat hurt and I am now dealing with a deep, internal struggle. Do I keep doing what I do, writing sporadic attempts at humor with no regard to what the public wants? Or do I give into society and begin only showcasing my amazing, yet boring craft skills in return for riches and fame?

By the lack of crafts in this post, you can see I clearly have chosen myself over the masses. I will stick to entertaining myself and the few of you that still read this, which thanks to Facebook's shitty pick and choose method of showing only certain posts, my reader numbers are slowly dwindling to only those dedicated followers. It doesn't deter me from writing at all, I do it mostly to get my thoughts out there and ruin any chance I will ever have at running for office. I mean, I definitely would be overjoyed if I could somehow make a living doing this. There is nothing I would like more than to bang out a couple blog posts a week, maybe get a book deal and sit at home the rest of the time hanging out with the dogs and rabbit and tv. Seeing as though I can't even get Google AdSense to approve my application WHICH I FILLED OUT MONTHS AGO, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I'm guessing it has to do with most of this blog's lack of relevant content. I don't even know what I would have ads for. Maybe suppositories and human rabies vaccines? Any kind of rehab center? Cereal would make sense, because I fcking love cereal? I'm sure we could brainstorm and figure something out Google. Hit me back, yo.

For now I'll just have my Pinterest fame. Oh and also my couple weeks of hometown fame, since I was on the cover of a local magazine recently and mailed out to thousands of homes, looking like a giant compared to my co-cover models aka my co-workers. So I MS Paint fixed it so I look like a normal sized person...

Identities have been changed to protect the innocent

Thanks for reading, my true friends and one or two enemies.

Vegas...

*sigh* Oh Vegas. You fickle bitch, I hate you but I love you. There are a lot of reasons to want to go to Las Vegas, it's warm there, there is a lot to do and see, it just seems like it would be a really fun time. Have a few drinks, hang out at the pool, hit da clubs. Maybe take in a show, enjoy the night life, be one with the magical mistress that is Vegas. Hell just typing that makes me want to go there again! But, wait....what is this? This Harry Potter like throbbing scar on my heart? It...it's coming back to me.....

1. There are a lot, A LOT of freaking people. We went during the week and there was people everywhere. I can't even imagine what a weekend is like.

2. Whenever you read a review of Vegas, you will see "Be ready to walk a lot" they actually mean "LEGS FEET DEAD ARGH WALKING". Our hotel was 120 acres. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ACRES. That's not a typo. The first night we got there, we walked around the hotel and basically got lost. I can't even imagine being completely party rocked trying to figure that shit out. That's how homeless people happen, they come to Vegas, walk around until their legs can't take it and just sit down and stay there. This is where I live now.

3. It's time consuming. It takes forever to get anywhere. Plan to leave early to get to your destination, if you can make it there before your inner thighs chaff off and you die.

3. Part 2: ALSO travel time is drastically different. Iowa time is "Hey that town is 60 miles away, it will take us about 60 minutes to get there." L.A. time is "Hey that town is 40 miles away, it will take an hour." Vegas time is "Hey that hotel is across the street. By the time we get there, we will have watched our children grow up, get married, have kids of their own and we will have died of old age. Maybe we should just stay on this side of the street."

4. There is no sense of clock time what so ever. Time doesn't exist. We walked through casino after casino in a Vegas induced fun coma and eventually looked at our phones. Holy shit it's 3:00 am. I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.

5. Be prepared for a major dose of reality. We were at a casino, having fun playing the penny slots, like a boss, and I looked over at saw this guy, this drunk, sad guy just losing and losing. Not having fun, just losing all his money. Gambling is a terrible addiction. There were also a lot of people who clearly had drug problems. All of them were well dressed, good looking people. They were the cool kids, they were supposed to be..I dunno, cool.  But it wasn't cool, it was sad. Cocaine. It's a hell of a drug, apparently.

So why would I ever feel the need to go back to such a dismal, unfortunate place? Well come to find out, everyone there is just little psychotic which means I fit in perfectly. It's like my mothership, I probably could have just chilled on Fremont Street listening to music all night if not for the most terrifying Elmo I'd ever seen.

Who knows, maybe one day, when you finally make it across the street to the MGM, you'll look down the strip and see the silhouette of a chubby, crazy haired lady holding a rabbit on a rascal, gently flicking a stack of escort for hire cards, rolling into the sunset. And you'll turn to your great grandchild and say, "I knew her...I read her blog once...."

Disaster Prevention

You know when you do something and you are amazed it didn't end in a complete and utter disaster. And then you think to yourself, "Holy shit. That was way too freaking close. I better never do that again." Or maybe you almost do something and your heart drops to the ground and then you realize it didn't happen and you're relieved but still a little terrified. Yeah, that happens to me a lot, but I never seem to learn my lesson or take any steps to prevent the catastrophe that will definitely someday happen. So to salute those who are proactive in their life choices, I decided to share some of the huge mistakes I know are going to happen someday in my own life.

Texting my friends. I frequently screenshot stupid things I see on Facebook. It could be someone I know, a complete stranger, whatever. Then I take these screenshots and send them to my friend. Sometimes boldly circling whatever ridiculous thing made me screenshot it in the first place and I might even throw a mean ass comment on there too. Well if you are familiar at all with cellular smartphones, you'll know that to send it you can just tap that little sideways V thing, the "share" symbol and hit text message. Well when you hit the share icon, a list of a bunch of apps pops up and you sometimes have to swipe down to get the the little text icon. I just KNOW in my heart, my cold, cruel, black heart that someday I am going to fuck up and hit either the Facebook or Pinterest or some other social media app and send that shit right into the world wide web. Everyone will know what a monster I really am and I will go back to only having 3 real life friends and I'll stop getting hella likes on my cool Facebook statuses. Which would make me sad. But more than that I would probably really hurt someone's feelings, which I don't want to do. That would also make me sad. (I understand I should just not say mean things at all and this would solve my problem but sometimes people are stupid and I need to share that with someone)

Snapchat. I think I have mentioned this before, I take some....interesting... snaps sometimes to send to my very close, very dear friends. But I am terrified one day I will accidentally send something completely inappropriate and mentally scaring to someone else on my list. I have actually sent a lot of snaps to the wrong people so this is "the most likely to happen" scenario. 10 seconds doesn't seem like that long, but believe me, it's long enough to make a terrible impact. TRUST.

Facebook. Specifically when I had myself as an admin for my work's Facebook page. When you are a page admin, you can choose to "use Facebook as" either your own account or your page account. I can totally see myself accidentally uploading a picture or posting a status on the wrong page and having a long and awkward talk with my boss and HR about appropriate social media behavior. This one I actually was proactive with and deleted myself as an admin. Look at me, making good choices. So proud.

Emotional driving. If I'm upset and I think for some reason I should be on the road, it's not good. I was really upset a couple weeks ago and was trying to drive, while ugly crying, nearly taking out several other vehicles and pedestrians. OBVIOUSLY it was their fault for being on the road when I was clearly so upset. It was bad. I couldn't see, my brain forgot how to use pedals, driving with reckless abandon because I didn't care what happened. I know I'm selfish but I promise next time I'll just pull over and cry like a freak outside someone's residence while they watch from their picture window and tell their children to "go hide, there's a crazy person/raccoon hybrid sobbing in our driveway."

Searching weird stuff on the Internet. Even though I know everyone does this, I still feel like the worse thing that could ever happen is if your search history suddenly went public. Sure, we would all be unable to look each other in the eye for a few days but I feel like it would be several weeks...months before anyone would talk to me again. For example, a few months ago the husband and I went out to dinner and a concert with my bestie and her husband. The conversation turned slightly awkward when somehow cannibalism was brought up and I immediately began reciting what I had read humans tasted like. Apparently googling "what does human flesh taste like?" is not as common as I had assumed it would be. Answer: The taste has been compared to pork, only stronger. Other say it's closest to veal. At first, they thought I was kind of joking but then realized that I was serious and I felt a little uneasy, "You've...uhh..never googled it before?" I google a lot. And I frequent a website filled with user submitted content, if you just keep clicking you are bound to come across things that will amaze and disgust you. Such is life.

My lack of filter. I say a lot of weird, inappropriate shit. Then everyone gets uncomfortable and my brain is like, "Maybe you should follow that up with something even more weird and inappropriate so they realize it wasn't as bad as it could have been!" That sounds logical..here I go! And then I lose friends and any hint of respect they once had for me. I was watching Downton Abbey the other day and Lady Grantham said "Sybil, vulgarity is no substitute for wit." I just sat on the couch thinking "Daammnnn...Professor McGonagall just took me to school, son!"

I'll work on this in moderation. If I go cold turkey, my banter will be limited to a series of grunts and me pointing at things with a sad, defeated look on my face. I just have a vision of me being handcuffed, pleading, "It was a joke! I was kidding! There's actually only 3 bodies buried in my backyard! Har har har. I'm sorry I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me." As I am shown into the back of a police car.

So as you can see, my terrible decisions will someday lead to my imprisonment, life as a social pariah or death. I should probably be more concerned but my exaggerated sense of well being reminds me nothing bad can ever happen to me. Horray!

Thanks for reading, I appreciate you and I think you're very nice.