Monday, March 2, 2015

I'm not pregnant. But that might not be all that bad.

Because I am nosy myself, I have a natural sympathy for all those other people out there who like knowing what other people have going on in their lives, I'm going to update you quickly on our whole pregnancy journey. There isn't really one. We both did minor testing with the OB/GYN here and found out we had issues. He told us he unfortunately couldn't do anything else for us at this point and we should head down to the fertility clinic and see what they say. I printed off some of the initial paperwork for the consultation, which included an insurance questionnaire to find out what is covered and what isn't. Our insurance covers very little, as in absolutely none of the actual procedures. And although we might have the money to start the process, we won't have the money to continue it. So we rather just back burner it at this point.
This is my my explanation on why we are currently paused in our epic battle of procreation. Now for the part where we pretend not to be bitter and I try to uplift everyone's spirits with humor.

Not getting immediately pregnant has come with a few benefits, believe it our not. What most men don't understand, at least speaking from my own experience of owning lady bits and pretty much being a medical professional, is that the yearning to become a mother comes deep down from our hormonal uteruses. I like to call it the H-hole. It's like a black hole but shoots out feelings. This is the same place that makes me attempt to rip the refrigerator door off a couple times a month because I wanted cereal but some IDIOT drank all the god damn milk. See me, over there crying because my pants look too short on me today? Blame my H-Hole.That death glare I'm giving the 76 year old lady at Target because even though I wasn't going to buy that shirt I was looking at it with my eyes from 7 aisles over so technically it already belongs to me? Thanks a lot, H-hole.

Having to really work at something tends to give you a lot of time to think decisions through. After several months, much of the emotions start to give way to actual reasoning. Kids are a huge responsibility. You are in charge of raising a human being and keeping them alive and in decent condition. And here is the kicker, just because they turn 12 (or 18 or whatever) doesn't mean you can stop being a parent. Personally I don't know if I want to be the subject of some internally shattered, yet devastatingly good looking adult's therapy session and knowing who I am, it's a possibility that will be the case if I have a child. I tend to teeter right on the edge of sanity and some of the things I do even catch me off guard. I really don't need a little, tiny shadow running around lighting little, tiny fires next to my great big ones. Even if that does sound super fun and we would be best friends.

Kids are expensive as FUUUUUUdge. Quality fudge. Know what's even more expensive? Paying upwards of $16,000 for IVF just to try having one. If the thought of paying $40 for a bag of fancy dog food makes my eye twitch when my dogs stare and bark at me just to be jerks, I can't imagine the passive aggressive shit I would unleash on an ungrateful 15 year old who thinks they can tell me what to do in my own house. I'd immediately slip an invoice under their door... first payments due on the 15th jackass. Better keep up on it too, I will send my own child to collections to prove a point, I am not that mature. Yeah, you better go find Dad.

Not only am I unreasonable, I'm also sensitive. One morning my niece was telling me about another kid at school who was being mean to her. In the five blocks it took to drive her to school, I had already decided to quit my job and homeschool her but not until after I stormed in the school and chewed out the principal for not doing their job and allowing this heinous bullying to happen. After worrying all day, I stopped by my sister's after work and showed Ellie my phone, "Is this the girl?!" "Yeah" she replied. Good, I thought, because I tracked down her, her mom, her grandma (on both sides) and have already memorized their addresses and phone numbers. With tears in my eyes, I rose my fist to the heavens and shouted, "DON'T WORRY SQUID! I WILL AVENGE YOUR HONOR!!" and she says, "It's ok Auntie, we're friends now. We played at recess." .............WHAT KIND OF SICK MIND GAMES DO YOU FIRST GRADERS PLAY THESE DAYS?! Hours earlier I was fully prepared to go to prison over this shit and now you're friends??! I preemptively joined a gang for you!!! Do you know how hard it is to find a legitimate gang with a heavy focus on philanthropy yet still has mad street cred in our area?! I only had like two to choose from.

Kids are super frustrating. I think back to when Ellie was just a little bug. She was adorable but she could be so, so naughty. Like running off in a store and hiding behind the toilet paper.... or crying over every little thing that happened, good or bad. Or the entire summer when she repeatedly would only eat the frosting off the tops of cupcakes and throw the rest in the trash.
"Ok, if I give you this cupcake do you PROMISE that you won't just lick the frosting off and throw the rest away?"
"Ok..remember you promised..."
"I prooomiiissse...." in her squeaky, little singsong voice.
Hands her cupcake, she licks all the frosting off, gets all squinty eyed and says, "IIII don't think I like this...." throws in trash.

She was literally banned from eating any cupcakes, cookies or whatever else had frosting on it for like a year. We still don't trust her completely.

But damn was she cute. Look at that little arctic seal baby. Awwww. She's older now but still as cute with the added bonus of the funny things she says. I love her so much.

So that's it. I promise to make these posts shorter some day.

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