Thursday, February 12, 2015


*sigh* Oh Vegas. You fickle bitch, I hate you but I love you. There are a lot of reasons to want to go to Las Vegas, it's warm there, there is a lot to do and see, it just seems like it would be a really fun time. Have a few drinks, hang out at the pool, hit da clubs. Maybe take in a show, enjoy the night life, be one with the magical mistress that is Vegas. Hell just typing that makes me want to go there again! But, wait....what is this? This Harry Potter like throbbing scar on my heart?'s coming back to me.....

1. There are a lot, A LOT of freaking people. We went during the week and there was people everywhere. I can't even imagine what a weekend is like.

2. Whenever you read a review of Vegas, you will see "Be ready to walk a lot" they actually mean "LEGS FEET DEAD ARGH WALKING". Our hotel was 120 acres. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ACRES. That's not a typo. The first night we got there, we walked around the hotel and basically got lost. I can't even imagine being completely party rocked trying to figure that shit out. That's how homeless people happen, they come to Vegas, walk around until their legs can't take it and just sit down and stay there. This is where I live now.

3. It's time consuming. It takes forever to get anywhere. Plan to leave early to get to your destination, if you can make it there before your inner thighs chaff off and you die.

3. Part 2: ALSO travel time is drastically different. Iowa time is "Hey that town is 60 miles away, it will take us about 60 minutes to get there." L.A. time is "Hey that town is 40 miles away, it will take an hour." Vegas time is "Hey that hotel is across the street. By the time we get there, we will have watched our children grow up, get married, have kids of their own and we will have died of old age. Maybe we should just stay on this side of the street."

4. There is no sense of clock time what so ever. Time doesn't exist. We walked through casino after casino in a Vegas induced fun coma and eventually looked at our phones. Holy shit it's 3:00 am. I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.

5. Be prepared for a major dose of reality. We were at a casino, having fun playing the penny slots, like a boss, and I looked over at saw this guy, this drunk, sad guy just losing and losing. Not having fun, just losing all his money. Gambling is a terrible addiction. There were also a lot of people who clearly had drug problems. All of them were well dressed, good looking people. They were the cool kids, they were supposed to be..I dunno, cool.  But it wasn't cool, it was sad. Cocaine. It's a hell of a drug, apparently.

So why would I ever feel the need to go back to such a dismal, unfortunate place? Well come to find out, everyone there is just little psychotic which means I fit in perfectly. It's like my mothership, I probably could have just chilled on Fremont Street listening to music all night if not for the most terrifying Elmo I'd ever seen.

Who knows, maybe one day, when you finally make it across the street to the MGM, you'll look down the strip and see the silhouette of a chubby, crazy haired lady holding a rabbit on a rascal, gently flicking a stack of escort for hire cards, rolling into the sunset. And you'll turn to your great grandchild and say, "I knew her...I read her blog once...."

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