Sunday, February 1, 2015

Disaster Prevention

You know when you do something and you are amazed it didn't end in a complete and utter disaster. And then you think to yourself, "Holy shit. That was way too freaking close. I better never do that again." Or maybe you almost do something and your heart drops to the ground and then you realize it didn't happen and you're relieved but still a little terrified. Yeah, that happens to me a lot, but I never seem to learn my lesson or take any steps to prevent the catastrophe that will definitely someday happen. So to salute those who are proactive in their life choices, I decided to share some of the huge mistakes I know are going to happen someday in my own life.

Texting my friends. I frequently screenshot stupid things I see on Facebook. It could be someone I know, a complete stranger, whatever. Then I take these screenshots and send them to my friend. Sometimes boldly circling whatever ridiculous thing made me screenshot it in the first place and I might even throw a mean ass comment on there too. Well if you are familiar at all with cellular smartphones, you'll know that to send it you can just tap that little sideways V thing, the "share" symbol and hit text message. Well when you hit the share icon, a list of a bunch of apps pops up and you sometimes have to swipe down to get the the little text icon. I just KNOW in my heart, my cold, cruel, black heart that someday I am going to fuck up and hit either the Facebook or Pinterest or some other social media app and send that shit right into the world wide web. Everyone will know what a monster I really am and I will go back to only having 3 real life friends and I'll stop getting hella likes on my cool Facebook statuses. Which would make me sad. But more than that I would probably really hurt someone's feelings, which I don't want to do. That would also make me sad. (I understand I should just not say mean things at all and this would solve my problem but sometimes people are stupid and I need to share that with someone)

Snapchat. I think I have mentioned this before, I take some....interesting... snaps sometimes to send to my very close, very dear friends. But I am terrified one day I will accidentally send something completely inappropriate and mentally scaring to someone else on my list. I have actually sent a lot of snaps to the wrong people so this is "the most likely to happen" scenario. 10 seconds doesn't seem like that long, but believe me, it's long enough to make a terrible impact. TRUST.

Facebook. Specifically when I had myself as an admin for my work's Facebook page. When you are a page admin, you can choose to "use Facebook as" either your own account or your page account. I can totally see myself accidentally uploading a picture or posting a status on the wrong page and having a long and awkward talk with my boss and HR about appropriate social media behavior. This one I actually was proactive with and deleted myself as an admin. Look at me, making good choices. So proud.

Emotional driving. If I'm upset and I think for some reason I should be on the road, it's not good. I was really upset a couple weeks ago and was trying to drive, while ugly crying, nearly taking out several other vehicles and pedestrians. OBVIOUSLY it was their fault for being on the road when I was clearly so upset. It was bad. I couldn't see, my brain forgot how to use pedals, driving with reckless abandon because I didn't care what happened. I know I'm selfish but I promise next time I'll just pull over and cry like a freak outside someone's residence while they watch from their picture window and tell their children to "go hide, there's a crazy person/raccoon hybrid sobbing in our driveway."

Searching weird stuff on the Internet. Even though I know everyone does this, I still feel like the worse thing that could ever happen is if your search history suddenly went public. Sure, we would all be unable to look each other in the eye for a few days but I feel like it would be several weeks...months before anyone would talk to me again. For example, a few months ago the husband and I went out to dinner and a concert with my bestie and her husband. The conversation turned slightly awkward when somehow cannibalism was brought up and I immediately began reciting what I had read humans tasted like. Apparently googling "what does human flesh taste like?" is not as common as I had assumed it would be. Answer: The taste has been compared to pork, only stronger. Other say it's closest to veal. At first, they thought I was kind of joking but then realized that I was serious and I felt a little uneasy, "You've...uhh..never googled it before?" I google a lot. And I frequent a website filled with user submitted content, if you just keep clicking you are bound to come across things that will amaze and disgust you. Such is life.

My lack of filter. I say a lot of weird, inappropriate shit. Then everyone gets uncomfortable and my brain is like, "Maybe you should follow that up with something even more weird and inappropriate so they realize it wasn't as bad as it could have been!" That sounds I go! And then I lose friends and any hint of respect they once had for me. I was watching Downton Abbey the other day and Lady Grantham said "Sybil, vulgarity is no substitute for wit." I just sat on the couch thinking "Daammnnn...Professor McGonagall just took me to school, son!"

I'll work on this in moderation. If I go cold turkey, my banter will be limited to a series of grunts and me pointing at things with a sad, defeated look on my face. I just have a vision of me being handcuffed, pleading, "It was a joke! I was kidding! There's actually only 3 bodies buried in my backyard! Har har har. I'm sorry I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me." As I am shown into the back of a police car.
So as you can see, my terrible decisions will someday lead to my imprisonment, life as a social pariah or death. I should probably be more concerned but my exaggerated sense of well being reminds me nothing bad can ever happen to me. Horray!
Thanks for reading, I appreciate you and I think you're very nice.

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