Vegas...

*sigh* Oh Vegas. You fickle bitch, I hate you but I love you. There are a lot of reasons to want to go to Las Vegas, it's warm there, there is a lot to do and see, it just seems like it would be a really fun time. Have a few drinks, hang out at the pool, hit da clubs. Maybe take in a show, enjoy the night life, be one with the magical mistress that is Vegas. Hell just typing that makes me want to go there again! But, wait....what is this? This Harry Potter like throbbing scar on my heart? It...it's coming back to me.....

1. There are a lot, A LOT of freaking people. We went during the week and there was people everywhere. I can't even imagine what a weekend is like.

2. Whenever you read a review of Vegas, you will see "Be ready to walk a lot" they actually mean "LEGS FEET DEAD ARGH WALKING". Our hotel was 120 acres. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ACRES. That's not a typo. The first night we got there, we walked around the hotel and basically got lost. I can't even imagine being completely party rocked trying to figure that shit out. That's how homeless people happen, they come to Vegas, walk around until their legs can't take it and just sit down and stay there. This is where I live now.

3. It's time consuming. It takes forever to get anywhere. Plan to leave early to get to your destination, if you can make it there before your inner thighs chaff off and you die.

3. Part 2: ALSO travel time is drastically different. Iowa time is "Hey that town is 60 miles away, it will take us about 60 minutes to get there." L.A. time is "Hey that town is 40 miles away, it will take an hour." Vegas time is "Hey that hotel is across the street. By the time we get there, we will have watched our children grow up, get married, have kids of their own and we will have died of old age. Maybe we should just stay on this side of the street."

4. There is no sense of clock time what so ever. Time doesn't exist. We walked through casino after casino in a Vegas induced fun coma and eventually looked at our phones. Holy shit it's 3:00 am. I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.

5. Be prepared for a major dose of reality. We were at a casino, having fun playing the penny slots, like a boss, and I looked over at saw this guy, this drunk, sad guy just losing and losing. Not having fun, just losing all his money. Gambling is a terrible addiction. There were also a lot of people who clearly had drug problems. All of them were well dressed, good looking people. They were the cool kids, they were supposed to be..I dunno, cool.  But it wasn't cool, it was sad. Cocaine. It's a hell of a drug, apparently.

So why would I ever feel the need to go back to such a dismal, unfortunate place? Well come to find out, everyone there is just little psychotic which means I fit in perfectly. It's like my mothership, I probably could have just chilled on Fremont Street listening to music all night if not for the most terrifying Elmo I'd ever seen.

Who knows, maybe one day, when you finally make it across the street to the MGM, you'll look down the strip and see the silhouette of a chubby, crazy haired lady holding a rabbit on a rascal, gently flicking a stack of escort for hire cards, rolling into the sunset. And you'll turn to your great grandchild and say, "I knew her...I read her blog once...."

Disaster Prevention

You know when you do something and you are amazed it didn't end in a complete and utter disaster. And then you think to yourself, "Holy shit. That was way too freaking close. I better never do that again." Or maybe you almost do something and your heart drops to the ground and then you realize it didn't happen and you're relieved but still a little terrified. Yeah, that happens to me a lot, but I never seem to learn my lesson or take any steps to prevent the catastrophe that will definitely someday happen. So to salute those who are proactive in their life choices, I decided to share some of the huge mistakes I know are going to happen someday in my own life.

Texting my friends. I frequently screenshot stupid things I see on Facebook. It could be someone I know, a complete stranger, whatever. Then I take these screenshots and send them to my friend. Sometimes boldly circling whatever ridiculous thing made me screenshot it in the first place and I might even throw a mean ass comment on there too. Well if you are familiar at all with cellular smartphones, you'll know that to send it you can just tap that little sideways V thing, the "share" symbol and hit text message. Well when you hit the share icon, a list of a bunch of apps pops up and you sometimes have to swipe down to get the the little text icon. I just KNOW in my heart, my cold, cruel, black heart that someday I am going to fuck up and hit either the Facebook or Pinterest or some other social media app and send that shit right into the world wide web. Everyone will know what a monster I really am and I will go back to only having 3 real life friends and I'll stop getting hella likes on my cool Facebook statuses. Which would make me sad. But more than that I would probably really hurt someone's feelings, which I don't want to do. That would also make me sad. (I understand I should just not say mean things at all and this would solve my problem but sometimes people are stupid and I need to share that with someone)

Snapchat. I think I have mentioned this before, I take some....interesting... snaps sometimes to send to my very close, very dear friends. But I am terrified one day I will accidentally send something completely inappropriate and mentally scaring to someone else on my list. I have actually sent a lot of snaps to the wrong people so this is "the most likely to happen" scenario. 10 seconds doesn't seem like that long, but believe me, it's long enough to make a terrible impact. TRUST.

Facebook. Specifically when I had myself as an admin for my work's Facebook page. When you are a page admin, you can choose to "use Facebook as" either your own account or your page account. I can totally see myself accidentally uploading a picture or posting a status on the wrong page and having a long and awkward talk with my boss and HR about appropriate social media behavior. This one I actually was proactive with and deleted myself as an admin. Look at me, making good choices. So proud.

Emotional driving. If I'm upset and I think for some reason I should be on the road, it's not good. I was really upset a couple weeks ago and was trying to drive, while ugly crying, nearly taking out several other vehicles and pedestrians. OBVIOUSLY it was their fault for being on the road when I was clearly so upset. It was bad. I couldn't see, my brain forgot how to use pedals, driving with reckless abandon because I didn't care what happened. I know I'm selfish but I promise next time I'll just pull over and cry like a freak outside someone's residence while they watch from their picture window and tell their children to "go hide, there's a crazy person/raccoon hybrid sobbing in our driveway."

Searching weird stuff on the Internet. Even though I know everyone does this, I still feel like the worse thing that could ever happen is if your search history suddenly went public. Sure, we would all be unable to look each other in the eye for a few days but I feel like it would be several weeks...months before anyone would talk to me again. For example, a few months ago the husband and I went out to dinner and a concert with my bestie and her husband. The conversation turned slightly awkward when somehow cannibalism was brought up and I immediately began reciting what I had read humans tasted like. Apparently googling "what does human flesh taste like?" is not as common as I had assumed it would be. Answer: The taste has been compared to pork, only stronger. Other say it's closest to veal. At first, they thought I was kind of joking but then realized that I was serious and I felt a little uneasy, "You've...uhh..never googled it before?" I google a lot. And I frequent a website filled with user submitted content, if you just keep clicking you are bound to come across things that will amaze and disgust you. Such is life.

My lack of filter. I say a lot of weird, inappropriate shit. Then everyone gets uncomfortable and my brain is like, "Maybe you should follow that up with something even more weird and inappropriate so they realize it wasn't as bad as it could have been!" That sounds logical..here I go! And then I lose friends and any hint of respect they once had for me. I was watching Downton Abbey the other day and Lady Grantham said "Sybil, vulgarity is no substitute for wit." I just sat on the couch thinking "Daammnnn...Professor McGonagall just took me to school, son!"

I'll work on this in moderation. If I go cold turkey, my banter will be limited to a series of grunts and me pointing at things with a sad, defeated look on my face. I just have a vision of me being handcuffed, pleading, "It was a joke! I was kidding! There's actually only 3 bodies buried in my backyard! Har har har. I'm sorry I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong with me." As I am shown into the back of a police car.

So as you can see, my terrible decisions will someday lead to my imprisonment, life as a social pariah or death. I should probably be more concerned but my exaggerated sense of well being reminds me nothing bad can ever happen to me. Horray!

Thanks for reading, I appreciate you and I think you're very nice.

She's A Lady.. WHOA WHOA WHOOAA

I can't concentrate on anything but wanting to bit all my nails off right now. Maybe blogging will help. If I can think of something to talk about. Just to warn you, it gets weird.

I am a terrible woman. Not a terrible person, regardless of my husband's jokes, but not good at being a girl. My quest for perfect eyebrows at the ripe age of 28, for example, is one most girls start in their teen years. I don't really know how to style my hair and I don't like using hair sprays and crap. The last thing I need is to be more flammable. I am not great at fashion and putting together outfits. Sometimes I go overboard on my makeup. And this scenario has happened more than once:

Picture me getting ready to go out with my friends, giving my husband a kiss and saying goodbye.
Knowing I probably look super hot and not even a little bit like a clown with too much blush on,  I catch his eye as he looks longingly (or annoyingly) at (past) me. Sensing that this brief goodbye may evolve to a late night rendezvous, I look into his eyes and I "Disclaimer..... I've had a terrible shaving accident...." as I squirm around in my layers of spandex undergarments.

You should always give warning when these things happen. Because nothing kills the mood like hearing, "What the hell happened down there?!" I know :( It's like someone on bath salts got a hold of a hedge clipper. I don't even know what you would reference to learn that particular set of grooming skills. It's not that I haven't tried to figure it out. I've even snapchatted an artistically drawn, MS Paint-esque masterpiece to my best friend and asked "......sooo what parts do YOU do?" Luckily she understands me and didn't make fun of my ignorance, thanks dawg. Being a girl is hard.

I also have little to no skills when it comes to feminine prowess. I'm not seductive, I'm not delicate, I can't slink across a room. I kind of just bumble around making weird, sarcastic comments which turn into weird, objectifying advances on my husband. Even if I do try to be provocative, you can only get so far wearing torn sweatpants and a teenage mutant ninja turtles shirt. I know what you're thinking, "But Rachel, you're so amazing, particularly your giant man hands you could palm a basketball with! Plus you have an impeccable filtering ability and never say anything completely inappropriate." Yes, it's true, I DO have giant man hands and yes they ARE always ice cold. I would make the worst urologist assistant ever. But on the bright side, there is probably a niche market for that in some weird, dark corner of the Internet. XXX Girls With Nomadic Iceman Hands XXX Oh yeah baby.

I'm trying to keep on topic but all I can think about is how weird my fingers feel right now. After 23 days of not biting my nails, which were so absolutely horrifically short that even after almost a month of growth they still look severely short, I can literally feel them pressing on my fingertips. It is the weirdest feeling ever. I feel like I will have to re-learn how to function once they get to a normal length. I'm 28, I don't know when I first started biting my nails but 20 years ago is a conservative guess. I have lived 20+ years with super short nails. I was trying to open something yesterday and the corner stabbed UNDER my nail. Is this a thing?! Because I have never had that happen before and it hurt like HELL. And I about scratched my face off on accident. I need a pair of those baby mitten things they put on babies to keep them from razor clawing everything they touch.

Well I'm going to continue binge watching Downton Abbey.

Lavender out.

Getting To Know Yoouuuu....

When we were in Vegas earlier this spring, a very interesting conversation took place. We were at one of the casinos and stopped to put a couple dollars in the machines. Being the ADD
Me sitting next to the husband, I put a dollar in a game. "Ohh whatcha doin' Rooobb?"
Rob- "Blackjack"
Me- "DAMN IT." Puts in another dollar, "Ohhh. Blaackjack huh?"
Rob- "Yep."
Me- "SON OF A BLLEEPP." Puts in another dollar, "Hey you're doing pretty well!"
Rob- "Uh huh."
Me- "OMG I HATE THIS GAME." Puts in a five, "You are winning a lot of money there..."
Rob- "Yeah I used to be a professional blackjack player when I was in my twenties..."
Me- Spits complementary drink everywhere "WHAT?! HOW DID I NEVER KNOW THIS?!"

Ok so maybe he didn't say he was a professional blackjack player but he did say he used to play all the time and I was shocked. One would think during the months of planning a trip to VEGAS he would have mentioned that he used to be a card shark. This isn't the first time this has happened, just at Thanksgiving he told a story about how he has a bad knee because of a dangerous flight of stairs on his 21st birthday. I know he doesn't think this is the case but Rob is very secretive. Like sleeper agent secretive. So in order to form a more perfect union, I have created the "Tell Me Something" game, basically you just ask the other person to tell you something about them that you might not know. Which is actually a lot harder for me because A. I talk about myself a lot and B. Half of the things I try to tell him he doesn't want to hear about. Maybe I'm ruining the illusion of my perfectness..ha...ha...ha...

Anyway, so we were driving to the store the other day and I asked him to tell me something I didn't know. Of course he replied with "Uhh..I don't know." So I said "FINE. Here is something about me while you think." I proceeded to tell him about the time I ran for student council in 8th grade. Not a very exciting story but one that would be stolen years later by Hollywood and adapted into the film "Napoleon Dynamite". Unlike Pedro, I had no clue what I was doing, I didn't really have any guidance from anyone and no ambition to inquire into how to run for student government. I didn't campaign at all, had a half ass speech about why I should be elected and did not prepare the suggested skit but vaguely remember a baby doll being throw maybe? Please keep in mind this was the same year of the whole paranoid government conspiracy phase of my life. What do you mean I didn't get a spot on the council?! Weird!

After I told him about my terrible political run and he still didn't have anything to tell me I talked a little about being in band. I go on and on about 6th grade band  and my mad snare drum skills when SUDDENLY I hear a grumbled, "I played the saxophone for about 8 minutes....." I looked at him dead in the eye and asked "What did you just say? YOU PLAYED THE SAX?! FOR HOW LONG?!" "I dunno, about a year..." "A YEAR?!?! WHHAAATTTTT!!!"

See what I mean, a man of mystery. A regular secret squirrel. An enigma.

That's what is so awesome about getting to know someone, all the fantastic things you find out about them. Even when you've been together for years, there is always something new and exciting to learn. Sure to him it may feel like constant, emotional waterboarding but to me it is magically!

Take my lead, go get to know your neighbors, your co-workers, your significant others. I promise you will learn all sorts of interesting things and it won't be even a little annoying at all!

Byyye.

New Year's Revelations

In lieu of making any New Year's resolutions, because I'm way too hipster and cool to be mainstream like that, I will be making several New Year's Revelations throughout the year, from my couch. The first step is admitting you have a problem right? I'm so good at it, I've already made a couple and we are only like 2 days into 2015.

My first NYR came to me while I was playing Candy Crush, I thought to myself, "I should be more social." As I grow older, I find myself becoming more and more content with not doing anything or talking to anyone. Sometimes I get a message and I'm like, "Heehhhhhhhhhh," that's the noise I make when I sigh, "Heehhhhhh. Shit. I should type something back." When you get so lazy that texting seems like work, you have issues. It's fingertips and brains, maybe not even fingertips, for fox sake we have talk to text, WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY! I don't even give good excuses anymore, my sister will call and ask me to do stuff and I say, "No." "Why not?" "I have no reason, just no." I know what you're thinking, but Rachel, you are so lazy, how will you ever accomplish a feat like that? We bought a new table with our Christmas money (Shout out to my G-ma!) so we will be moving our old one down to the basement, which we recently had to clean because there is a slow leak from the water main and at some point we plan on calling a plumber, but as I have already stated we are very, very lazy. Our basement is slowly turning into some prime real estate for activities, which I plan on utilizing for such. I'll probably even invite people over to partake in said activities. They will have to pee in the floor drain though, I'm not cleaning the rest of my house just some good time freeloaders can use my bathroom for no charge.

Another one of my NYRs sprouted to mind a couple days before the first of the year. "I need to stop biting my nails." This one. I have been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. When I'm anxious, mad, bored, content, fidgety, awake, doesn't matter. I've had customers at my work say things like "HOLY SHINIKES! YOUR NAILS!" Yeah I duckin know, leave me alone you freak. Quit looking at me. Nothing like having your one, lone, single imperfection pointed out by a complete stranger. So now I guess I'm going to try to be proactive and stop biting my nails. I'm on day...4. JESUS IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS?! Lawd. This is going to be the longest rest of my life ever... Also if you read this and see me with my hands in my mouth, I'm probably not actually biting my nails, I'm probably just being weird. So don't say anything to me about it, just make a frowny face at me and I'll get it. Or if I'm picking at my nails. One step at a time.

"I should blog more." This one is a given. I'm going to attempt one a week oorrr every two weeks. It's hard because sometimes interesting things don't happen to me and I can't think of anything to write about. I suppose I can always just post pictures of my rabbit dressed up in various period costumery. It would probably get expensive with all the fancy ruff collars.

Good luck everyone with your New Year's Resolutions, if you choose to make any. I won't judge you if you don't.

Byyee.

Christmas & Compatability

After nearly 10 years of relationship, my husband are finally realizing what makes our relationship so great. We aren't the most passionate couple, we bicker, we both have moments when we think to ourselves why? Why am I with this person? We don't go on long, romantic walks or caress each other frequently.  But there is one thing that keeps our relationship strong. We get each other. We know what each other likes and we know what each other looks forward to. It's not even big stuff, just little stuff like the husbands undying love for Nerds Jelly Beans or him telling me "You know you're just going to end up buying that expensive foundation from the mall anyways so why are we staying in the Walmart cosmetics aisle trying to shade match you? Just go buy it." We just mesh well.

For Christmas, I opted to get him a fancy jersey that was kind of expensive and I knew he probably wouldn't buy on his own and I found a cool Breaking Bad poster that I paired with an RV Christmas ornament I hand painted to look like Walter White's mobile meth lab. Booyah!  Then I made a giant Amazon wishlist for all the little piddly crap I wanted. Being a smart man, he bought almost everything on my list but decided to make it special in his own way. We are weirdos and it's not out of the ordinary for our dogs to "give" us presents during holidays. He wrapped each gifts, there were a bunch, and labeled them accordingly as to who they were from. (I refused to give the animals any credit for my gifts to him because I was pretty proud of my gift skills and I'm a rude bitch like that.) When I opened them it went a little something like this:

From Rolo: Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey and a Clinique Instant Shimmer gift set. He said because "Rolo likes when you look beautiful"

From Bella: Two new CDs "Islands" by Bear's Den and "Stay Gold" by First Aid Kit. Because "Bella loves when you sing to her."

From Saffy: New makeup brushes and a train case to hold my makeup. Because "Saffy is always destroying your stuff." True, true.

From Magnus: My sweet new Philips trimmer for my new eyebrow adventures and NYX Eyebrow Cake Powder in blonde. Because "Magnus wants a mohawk..." This will probably happen.

So then I get to my present from Rob: Cards Against Humanity. Because "I know deep down what a horrible person you are." 

Awwww. See, he just gets me. My other favorite line as of late to come from his mouth was the other day in the car. We were driving home and I was taking on of those quizzes online, one of the questions was "What is your weakest trait?" or something like that. The choices were smoking, drinking, emotional, lazy and cursing. So I ask him, "Hey. What's my weakest trait?" and list them off. And he says, "Emotional. You're kind of manic." He continues, "But not all the time. Like 95% of the time you're fine. But the other 5%.......you get in a mood and......"
What?! Me?! I acted shocked for a moment and then asked him to remind me I needed a new hairbrush because I broke mine in half on Christmas Eve during a meltdown. I mean it rarely happens but once or twice a year my anger overwhelms me and things get broken or a hole gets punched in a wall. Doesn't everyone have a picture hanging at chest height in their hallway?

Long story short, we had a pretty awesome Christmas. I have to say it was one of the best. All my siblings were there, nieces and nephew, everyone got along really well and overall it was just a really, really great time. We were all very impressed with our ability to have a solid night of togetherness without any murdering or name calling. It was the greatest present of all, besides all the new, cool shit I got. 

Well I hope everyone had a great holiday and made some memories. Keep the peace fellow man.


(And no I didn't just learn to hyperlink and yes this is my attempt to get free stuff from companies. Don't be surprised if I start writing reviews soon.)

Turn Down For Whhaaaa?

A few weeks ago I went out with mah friends for a girls night out and someone asked "Are your friends not fun?" directed towards me and my other friend. WHAT?! Me?! Not FUN?! Are you freaking kidding me? I'm the most fun person you'll ever meet, bitches. So why was this poor, half cocked girl so confused to assume that I am NOT fun? Was it drugs? Does she need an intervention? Does she need to be called out in a blog that she doesn't know about but someone might show her someday? You bet your sweet ass she does. As I contemplate what possible way I would ever be seen as not fun, I guess there were a couple reasons I came off as a little..ahem.."not fun" last night. Here they are!

1. I was driving. There were a lot of people out, I was driving with like 3 other people in the car and I felt like being responsible. Sue me. I guess I'm just a great friend.

2. I've been trying to lose weight and I have been losing weight so my pants were really big which very much inhibits any twerking action I felt like partaking in. Kind of hard to pop, lock and drop it when you don't have a belt and your pants are constantly falling off. So yeah, once again, sorry for being so hot I guess. And too cheap to buy new jeans. They're expensive, ok.

3. There was like a ton of freaking people at the place we were at and sometimes I don't like rubbing up against random people when trying to get from point A to point B. I don't know what kind of diseases these people have, we don't know that Ebola didn't get it's jump off up in da club from sweaty people grinding on each other. Plus it might be really fun if you are some hard body babe trying to squeeze past a couple guys, they probably enjoy having your lady parts all up on their backs but when you have the extra curves which I have, you tend to just get a lot of dirty looks and feel in the way the entire time. So I rather sit, out of the way, and not get scowled at by guys who either want nothing to do with me or think I'm a bitch because I don't strike up conversation with them as my ginormous boobs slowly slide across their being on my way to the bathroom.

4. Actually you know what, forget number 4. I don't have to justify why I just happened to not be in the mood to socialize for one night.

By now you should know how ridiculously long it takes me to finish a blog post. Well thankfully this once took a couple weeks because the most mind blowing thing happened to me THIS weekend which goes hand in hand PERFECTLY with what I was talking about when I first started writing this. I feel like this entire post is going to either make me lose or win friends but I'm doing it. Seriously, my friendship needs to come with a disclaimer that says "If you talk to this person you may or may not end up on a blog that 35 people read."

So this weekend I was bombarded by the exact opposite reaction. Apparently I'm a freaking ride or die, guns ablazin', party all night, dance off pants off, ain't goin home til 6 in the mornin' type girl. At least that's the impression I have made on at least one person who I have never, ever met in my entire life. So how is it that I can be suddenly pegged as these two opposing profiles? Is it just these people have terrible judge of character? Has my secret double life finally been brought to light by a couple of Nancy Drews? No. not at all. It just goes to show that you shouldn't determine who a person is without at least getting to know them a little. You really can't rely on pictures and third party stories to give you insight on how a person lives their life. At least I come off as insanely interesting.

Love always,
Rac"Turnt Up"hel