I can't concentrate on anything but wanting to bit all my nails off right now. Maybe blogging will help. If I can think of something to talk about. Just to warn you, it gets weird.
I am a terrible woman. Not a terrible person, regardless of my husband's jokes, but not good at being a girl. My quest for perfect eyebrows at the ripe age of 28, for example, is one most girls start in their teen years. I don't really know how to style my hair and I don't like using hair sprays and crap. The last thing I need is to be more flammable. I am not great at fashion and putting together outfits. Sometimes I go overboard on my makeup. And this scenario has happened more than once:
Picture me getting ready to go out with my friends, giving my husband a kiss and saying goodbye.
Knowing I probably look super hot and not even a little bit like a clown with too much blush on, I catch his eye as he looks longingly (or annoyingly) at (past) me. Sensing that this brief goodbye may evolve to a late night rendezvous, I look into his eyes and I "Disclaimer..... I've had a terrible shaving accident...." as I squirm around in my layers of spandex undergarments.
You should always give warning when these things happen. Because nothing kills the mood like hearing, "What the hell happened down there?!" I know :( It's like someone on bath salts got a hold of a hedge clipper. I don't even know what you would reference to learn that particular set of grooming skills. It's not that I haven't tried to figure it out. I've even snapchatted an artistically drawn, MS Paint-esque masterpiece to my best friend and asked "......sooo what parts do YOU do?" Luckily she understands me and didn't make fun of my ignorance, thanks dawg. Being a girl is hard.
I also have little to no skills when it comes to feminine prowess. I'm not seductive, I'm not delicate, I can't slink across a room. I kind of just bumble around making weird, sarcastic comments which turn into weird, objectifying advances on my husband. Even if I do try to be provocative, you can only get so far wearing torn sweatpants and a teenage mutant ninja turtles shirt. I know what you're thinking, "But Rachel, you're so amazing, particularly your giant man hands you could palm a basketball with! Plus you have an impeccable filtering ability and never say anything completely inappropriate." Yes, it's true, I DO have giant man hands and yes they ARE always ice cold. I would make the worst urologist assistant ever. But on the bright side, there is probably a niche market for that in some weird, dark corner of the Internet. XXX Girls With Nomadic Iceman Hands XXX Oh yeah baby.
I'm trying to keep on topic but all I can think about is how weird my fingers feel right now. After 23 days of not biting my nails, which were so absolutely horrifically short that even after almost a month of growth they still look severely short, I can literally feel them pressing on my fingertips. It is the weirdest feeling ever. I feel like I will have to re-learn how to function once they get to a normal length. I'm 28, I don't know when I first started biting my nails but 20 years ago is a conservative guess. I have lived 20+ years with super short nails. I was trying to open something yesterday and the corner stabbed UNDER my nail. Is this a thing?! Because I have never had that happen before and it hurt like HELL. And I about scratched my face off on accident. I need a pair of those baby mitten things they put on babies to keep them from razor clawing everything they touch.
Well I'm going to continue binge watching Downton Abbey.
Lavender out.
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