Wednesday, January 21, 2015


I can't concentrate on anything but wanting to bit all my nails off right now. Maybe blogging will help. If I can think of something to talk about. Just to warn you, it gets weird.

I am a terrible woman. Not a terrible person, regardless of my husband's jokes, but not good at being a girl. My quest for perfect eyebrows at the ripe age of 28, for example, is one most girls start in their teen years. I don't really know how to style my hair and I don't like using hair sprays and crap. The last thing I need is to be more flammable. I am not great at fashion and putting together outfits. Sometimes I go overboard on my makeup. And this scenario has happened more than once:

Picture me getting ready to go out with my friends, giving my husband a kiss and saying goodbye.
Knowing I probably look super hot and not even a little bit like a clown with too much blush on,  I catch his eye as he looks longingly (or annoyingly) at (past) me. Sensing that this brief goodbye may evolve to a late night rendezvous, I look into his eyes and I "Disclaimer..... I've had a terrible shaving accident...." as I squirm around in my layers of spandex undergarments.

You should always give warning when these things happen. Because nothing kills the mood like hearing, "What the hell happened down there?!" I know :( It's like someone on bath salts got a hold of a hedge clipper. I don't even know what you would reference to learn that particular set of grooming skills. It's not that I haven't tried to figure it out. I've even snapchatted an artistically drawn, MS Paint-esque masterpiece to my best friend and asked "......sooo what parts do YOU do?" Luckily she understands me and didn't make fun of my ignorance, thanks dawg. Being a girl is hard.

I also have little to no skills when it comes to feminine prowess. I'm not seductive, I'm not delicate, I can't slink across a room. I kind of just bumble around making weird, sarcastic comments which turn into weird, objectifying advances on my husband. Even if I do try to be provocative, you can only get so far wearing torn sweatpants and a teenage mutant ninja turtles shirt. I know what you're thinking, "But Rachel, you're so amazing, particularly your giant man hands you could palm a basketball with! Plus you have an impeccable filtering ability and never say anything completely inappropriate." Yes, it's true, I DO have giant man hands and yes they ARE always ice cold. I would make the worst urologist assistant ever. But on the bright side, there is probably a niche market for that in some weird, dark corner of the Internet. XXX Girls With Nomadic Iceman Hands XXX Oh yeah baby.

I'm trying to keep on topic but all I can think about is how weird my fingers feel right now. After 23 days of not biting my nails, which were so absolutely horrifically short that even after almost a month of growth they still look severely short, I can literally feel them pressing on my fingertips. It is the weirdest feeling ever. I feel like I will have to re-learn how to function once they get to a normal length. I'm 28, I don't know when I first started biting my nails but 20 years ago is a conservative guess. I have lived 20+ years with super short nails. I was trying to open something yesterday and the corner stabbed UNDER my nail. Is this a thing?! Because I have never had that happen before and it hurt like HELL. And I about scratched my face off on accident. I need a pair of those baby mitten things they put on babies to keep them from razor clawing everything they touch.

Well I'm going to continue binge watching Downton Abbey.

Lavender out.

No comments:

Post a Comment