Tuesday, April 5, 2016


Every once in awhile one of those YouTube videos of the guy being hooked up to the machine that gives the sensation of contractions during birth or whatever circulates around Facebook. These test subjects say things like, "I now have a greater appreciation for what women go through" and things of that nature. Yes, that's great. Women should definitely be appreciated for the levels of pain they are able to tolerate while pushing a baby out of their v-holes. So what's my problem? This:

While childbirth is very painful, so I hear, you usually get a baby out of the deal which makes it even more worth praise. But what about all the other stuff we women deal with? I want to see a guy experience the miracle of menstruation. The bloating, the heinous cramping that makes you want to crawl up into a fetal position, the instant terror the overcomes you when you feel a sudden gush and it's fully possible your ass has turned into a billboard for Target. I sneezed once, it looked like a crime scene. Super gross, right? We do this every month. EVERY MONTH. FOR YEARS. 40+ YEARS.

Let's also not forget the hormones. Everything is bathed in emotion. Suddenly the dishes not being done is the equivalent of finding out you've lost everything and you're being sued for malpractice. "I just.. don't.. know.. what... I'm going...to do..." A dirty sock on the floor makes burning the house down a rational solution. "WE WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SOCKS ON THE FLOOR IF WE DON'T HAVE A FLOOR, WILL WE?! BURN.IT.DOOOOWWNN."

And the mess. Oh God, it's so bad. Women actually own certain underwear to wear just during that week. And you don't get used to it. Ask my husband, every so often during that special time he will hear from the bathroom, "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. HOW?! OH MY GOD. IT'S BAD. IT'S SO BAD. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH BLOOD. HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?!" Every month I get scared I might actually die from blood loss. It just seems like so.much. And that has happened, by the way, rogue periods cause women to go to the hospital all the time because the bleeding won't stop. Our bodies actually try to kill us.

Then there is the pain. I wish just once my husband would have to go through what it's like to have a period so he could feel what it's like to have a part of your own anatomy hate you. It's like carrying Satan's baby who once a month tries punching it's way out, forever. And it's uncomfortable. I mean you can feel it. Yes, feel it. I don't even know how to describe it to a guy. Imagine an egg white, but it's like body temperature and there is a whole lot of it and it seeps out of you. And sometimes a yolk comes out. Don't forget to add in the intense stabbing from the Satan fetus. Also you still have to got to work and do all your normal daily living shit too.

Even if it was just the few days of the month where you are actually going through literal bloody hell, I might handle it but even before all this happens, the PMS starts. There might be some cramping, for myself I get both front cramps and back cramps, it's super fun. Your boobs hurt, so you try to kinda cup them but then you're like, "Wow. I have some nice boobs. They are so full and supple..." You don't know if you to kill someone or do them. You want to cry a lot and you're hungry but that makes you cry more because you are bloated and can't wear sweatpants to work because apparently we live in communist Russia. So then you go on a 20 minute rant about how this is America, land of the free, until your husband reminds you it's Sunday and you don't work on Sundays.

So yeah, periods suck and I wish men had to experience the wrath of the red river just once in their lives. I think it would give them a much better understanding of why women are the way they are and maybe appreciate them a little more.

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