Monday, April 11, 2016

Let Me See You Work, Work, Work, Work, Work.

On average, we spend (enter percentage here because I'm not good at math) of our week at work. 95% of that is spent looking at the clock wondering when we get to go home. Maybe that's just me, I dunno, but if it's not just me then I want to give you some helpful tips on how to occupy your time to take your mind off the fact you are a prisoner in the jail called adulthood. Most of these things are easier to accomplish if you do a lot of busy yet mindless work. Such as stapling, cutting things out, being the director of a library, driving a school bus, surgeon, carpenter... You know, any of those kinds of job where you don't necessarily need to totally focus on whatever you happen to be doing at any given moment.

1. Learn the alphabet backwards and get really good at it. Once you're good at it, add in some hesitation in spots, but not too much, just a believable amount so it doesn't seem like you've memorized it. Throughout the work day, slowly keep adding whiskey to your coffee. Each time you gradually increase the whiskey to coffee ratio, take a drink, wait ten minutes and say the alphabet backwards. Continue doing this until you are able to get hammered and still say it. It's called tempering or something, probably. This will eventually come in handy. Trust me on this.

2. Sing songs in your head. Each time you get to the chorus, change one of the lines to something vulgar. Continue doing this until the entire chorus is made up of raunchy words. If you would like to, you can do this to the entire song but the chorus is plenty. If it's a fast song, feel free to slow it down a little, making it a heartfelt ballad about ass and titties. Try adding your own personal touch. Maybe try singing it like an opera person or a smooth jam. Just be sure to keep the tune and the beats the sameish otherwise you will sound like a total douchebag when you sing it later on for your co-workers.

3. If you aren't great at making up your own songs, utilize all those lyrics you have memorized. Try throwing in as many lyrics into regular conversation as possible. For this one I drew a beautiful depiction with MS Paint so you can fully grasp the amazingness of it:

So there are three things you can do at your job to occupy your time. Sure you always have the option to better yourself by learning new work skills or offering to help your co-workers but I promise that won't be nearly as rewarding. Enjoy!

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