Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Insignificant yet life altering traumas: Party Pants

I really like blogging because it gives people a peek, in some cases an unsolicited full frontal, into my life. Most people can relate, others might not but they may still find it enjoyable to read. Unfortunately, when I finally get the urge to sit down and type shit out, it's usually because it's relevant to my life in the current moment. Lately my life has been full of a bunch of hard stuff and once I write it all out, it's kind of in my face and forces me to think about it and I like to avoid the reality of my life as much as possibly so I don't like that. But I need to write something because I miss posting crap. So I dove into the archives of my mind and thought of this story that I haven't told yet which is super embarrassing BUT I think it's been long enough that I don't really care if people know and I actually tell everyone this story anyways. Here we goooo!!!

When I was 17/18 years old, I worked at a gas station in my neighborhood. If you don't know this, most young adult girls are giant horndogs so of course I loved working there just for the fact I would get to see all sorts of good looking guys come through. One of our regulars was this very dapper young man who I had the BIGGEST crush on. Probably never said more than 10 words to him but seeing him made my day. He was a couple years older than me and I don't think he every noticed me much but I really didn't care, I just liked looking at him. I'm a visual person, I can have full committed relationships with someone and the only interaction I need is to be able to look at them. As long as they don't look at me too much, it makes me uncomfortable. You know, like any run of the mill stalker/peeping Tom. Not weird at all.

Anyways, he would come into the gas station, super hot, nothing ever came from it because I'm a creepo. One night a friend and I somehow ended up at a party. I felt super cool because I didn't know a lot of people so I felt real grown. Low and behold, there is gas station guy in all his glory. Not only do I feel super cool that I'm at a party in the first place but gas station guy is at the same party. I was basically living a teen rom-com. I'm a little intoxicated and I'm like, "Man. I really need to pee." so I ask where the bathroom is. I go to the bathroom and suddenly I feel like I'm going to puke. I did not have a lot of time to make a choice here so I risk it and decide to puke first, then pee. Mentally, my plan was solid but my brain didn't managed to get the message across to the rest of my body. I start to vomit in the toilet and thanks to my forceful heaving, I IMMEDIATELY pee my pants. Just to clarify, I was not wasted, I wasn't drunk, I was just a little tipsy and a complete amateur. Thankfully I had some kind of long sleeved shirt a hoodie. I was wearing a hoodie, I always wore a hoodie, I shouldn't lie about it. So I'm in full panic mode, luckily it wasn't like a LOT of pee but it was definitely noticeable. I tie my hoodie around my waist and go out to find my friend. I obviously didn't want to announce that I urinated myself so I just told her I was really tired and needed to leave. She didn't want to leave, I'm dying inside and suddenly gas station guy was like, "Don't you live up near me? I can give you a ride home...." *siigghhhh* There I was, a piss pants Cinderella finally getting her chance to interact with this magnificent specimen. Of course I took the ride home because it was that or call my mommy but I was so completely full of terror the entire time that I was leaving a huge wet spot in his front seat that it was not at all enjoyable. I quickly said thank you, strategically exited the car ass first (try that sometime, it looks SUPER ELEGANT) and sauntered backwards into my residence while doing that stiff handed beauty queen wave.

The next day I found out he moved away to Canada and definitely doesn't still live so let's just not ever talk about it again because even though he moved to Canada and is maybe a woman now, we don't know his life, we wouldn't want him ever finding out about this because I might die of embarrassment again because he is probably still super hot.

The End.

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