Tuesday, March 29, 2016

April Damn Fool

So I'm basically banned from participating in April Fool's Day at my house. According to some people, my totally hilarious jokes get too out of hand and in my husband's words, "You think it's funny but it's really not." Usually I don't even do pranks for April Fool's Day, he is referring to my jokes in general. It's not that they aren't good, they just tend to be elaborate and hurtful to some. More emotionally abusive than anything.

I distinctly remember the first time the husband was an unwilling participant in one of my "jokes". We had been looking for a used car and saw an ad for one in the paper. My family knew we had been looking so we told them we found one that sounded really nice and we were really excited to go test drive it. Husband and I went and test drove it, liked it and bought it. Well we went to go show my sister and I was like "Hey yo! Let's play a joke on her and pretend we didn't get it!" So he's like haha ok? We go into my sister's apartment and she's like "Oh hai guys! Did you get your car?" I'm sitting on her couch, she's standing in the living room and husband is off to the side leaned up against the wall. I break into a full on hysterics act. I have this ability to make myself cry (aka I am always crying on the inside) so there are tears falling, my voice is shaking, I'm slightly hyperventilating, I'm telling her this whole made up story about how we talked to the guy and everything was fine but by the time we got there he had already sold it, it's like every time we try to get ahead something stops us and I just get so tired of trying all the time, life is so unfair.

She looks at me with so much empathy in her eyes, is trying to comforting me and talk me down. I'm a total fucking asshole so in my head I'm thinking, "LOL. She is totally falling for it!" All the while husband is looking at me with complete HORROR on his face. So after awhile I smile at her and say, "Hahaha. Just kidding, car's outside." If looks could kill, I would have been tortured, skinned and chopped up alive while being lit on fire. They were super mad at me and my sister didn't even want to look at the car because she was so pissed off. Of course I was all "What's the big deal? It was just a joke! Hahahaha. So funny." And they are like, "No SATAN, that's not funny at all."

Other things I do that he finds incredibly annoying yet I find incredibly hilarious: When he is in the bathroom, not actually using the toilet, I'm not that dedicated...ok I'm totally lying but he gets really mad when I try opening the door and walking in on him when he is peeing so it's a strictly enforced rule I am not allowed to do that anymore. Also he locks the door. And yells at me when I knock. And tells me I'm weird. Anyway, I'll walk over to the door to like talk to him and sometimes he opens the door pre-knock, pre-talk and I'll just be standing there staring. This "alarms" him and I get "hollered" at for being creepy. The first few times this was completely coincidence. For a feral badger I manage to get around pretty quietly, probably because I am so loud any other time that when I'm not talking it's like I've disappeared. Well once I found out he could be easily "startled" (not scared, STARTLED) I found a hundred hiding spots that are perfect for anytime I feel like being a complete ass and pissing off my husband for the rest of the day.

Technically they aren't even hiding spots, my favorite one is literally just on the opposite side of the wall next to the open doorway leading to hall. How he can't see me is beyond me, I stick out at LEAST 15 inches. So I'll just stand there, back against the wall until he passes. I don't even jump out or say boo, all I do is make a heavy breathing noise while sticking my tongue part of the way out so I have a lisp. That's all it takes. Ok, now that I think about it he probably isn't even startled, he is probably more super creeped out when he turns around to see a grown woman, back against the wall, making lispy breathing noises with crazy eyes, with just a shade of disappointment knowing full well he married me..on purpose. My "least" favorite time was when told Rob I was going to bed early, Ferris Bueller'ed a fake me in the bed and then hid on the ground for like 20 minutes. Rob got into bed, at this point I was silent laughing myself to death, I creeped up from the side of the bed like a slow motion prairie dog and said, "Rawr..." I honestly thought that he was going to divorce me after that one. Rob rarely, RARELY gets really mad. He will just not talk to me or might raise his voice a little but he has only actually yelled at me maybe 4 times in the 11 years we have been together. I yell at him everyday. Holy shit was he pissed after that one. To make it worse I had to walk out of the room because I could not stop laughing. I am seriously the biggest jerk, I deserve to be alone forever. I'm still laughing about it.

And that's why I'm banned from participating in April Fool's Day.

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