Wednesday, August 27, 2014

THE REAL WORLD: The Birds and the Bees

My family has an unusual way of...let's call it sympathizing...with me lately. As of this month we have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. The other day when my mom and I were talking about it she said something about how she didn't have me until she was 30 so it's ok if we waited. Lady, I've been trying to get knocked up for a year, keyword trying. It's not like I plan on waiting, it's just not happening. Then she asked something like "Well...are you doing it right?" Hooollldd up...what do you mean "doing it right", we actually have to do something?!?! Like together?!  In the same room?! WELL SHIT. I'm glad somebody finally explained things to me! Don't I feel foolish. Here I've been, 12 months, just sitting on the couch waiting for the immaculate conception!
Since I feel like I'm not doing something right...............................don't know why on Earth I would feel that way.....................*cough* I decided to PROVE it with statistics or whatever. So I restocked on ovulation prediction test strips, a basal thermometer and printed off charts to record everything. OH! So beautiful! So wonderful! This whole trying to get pregnant thing has officially become a pain in my ass. I shouldn't say that, I know there are people who try for years to get pregnant but for just a minute I want to bitch about it. So here it goes: this is ridiculous. It's a lot of work for something that is supposed to just happen. I'm pissy, I'm emotional and I don't give a fruck anymore. I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to have to take my basal temperature everyday, which you literally are supposed to do BEFORE YOU MOVE in the morning. I'm sick of catching my piss in a tiny shot glass size cup and dipping strips in it just to see once again I'm not ovulating. Last night I spilled it, yep that's right, I spilled my piss filled cup, all over my shorts, the bathroom rug, the floor. I'm sick of every month, not only getting to realize I'm not pregnant again, but then having mother nature kicking me when I'm down and giving me the most painful back cramps, front cramps, side cramps, Carrie prom scene in my pants, worst high school periods of my life. Oh hey girl hey! Guess what! You're not pregnant and also fuck you! Stab stab. Have fun with those khakis, stupid! AWESOME!
 So just to give fair warning, these are a couple of the things, that if said to me or any other woman trying to conceive, will eventually get you a punch to the throat.
1. Are you doing it right? < Insert part A into part B...You're right, this IS basically rocket science
2. Are you trying hard enough? <What does this even mean?!
3. You're trying too hard! Just relax! < Like chloroform relax? SH SHH SHH.. JUST BREATHE
4. Do you know you can't get pregnant or are you just assuming? <.....................................*PUNCH*
5. I knew a couple who tried for 463 years before they got pregnant. < Ain't nobody got time for that.
6. Is it you or him? <Actually it's you.
7. Maybe try a different guy! < This one, not funny. At all.
8. You're young still! < And you're still an ass
9. Well so and so stopped trying and 3 months later they were pregnant! <Oh really!? THANK GOD me and so and so opted for the 2 for 1 twin uterus special and we are exactly the same!
10. Show me how you're doing it....... *Creepy smile* < *creepy smile back* ....ok

Yes, I understand people are just trying to make me feel better and it's not like I don't want people to talk me but dammnnn. It's just hard to not to think it's my fault, which it is, in a way, my fault. I'm still in denial that there could be something not working right, you know, down there, my lady insides. I rather just pretend for awhile longer it's because I'm actually doing something wrong, not because I'm broken. YEAH YEAH YEAH I KNOW. "You're not broken" I don't want to hear it. Let's just talk about unicorns instead for a little bit, ok?


1 comment:

  1. I'm here if you need me! I feel your pain! I'm in the same boat and it's sinking fast :(