Life's like a box of chocolate...laxatives.

Yes. It's official. I had a Facebook status meltdown about infertility the other day. Am I proud? No, I am not. Did I do it for sympathy? No, I didn't. I did it because I saw something about babies that just tipped me over the edge and outbursts happened. I probably didn't need to put it out there for all my 200 some Facebook friends to see but it all happened kind of in a typing fury blur. Kind of like when you stub your toe on a coffee table and suddenly you just want to go full THIS IS SPARTAN on everyone and everything near you. So it happened and I posted it and I'm leaving it.

It is extremely, extremely hard to deal with life sometimes. I've said it before, I am not a religious person but I believe that yes, things happen for a reason. I don't mean like little piddly everyday dumb stuff. If I get flipped off by some jackass I don't think, "Oh well, he probably needed to get that aggression out somehow. Now he won't lash out at someone in his family." No, that guy is just an asshole but when it comes to life altering events, yes some of it happens for a legit reason. However, when you are in the now, dealing with all the heavy shit, it is very hard to see what kind of good is going to come of it. And sometimes, once you do look back and see what came of it you realize WTF. The outcome wasn't even that good! Who decided that it would be ok to have my damn cat ran over so I could learn a life lesson about loss?! I could of hit a freaking squirrel and learned that shit, it didn't have to be my cat. Drunk ass universe and your shit lessons.

So seeing the good in things when they seem completely stupid and unfair is super tough. Like this whole infertility thing, maybe there is a reason it's all messed up. I'm not implying that it's because we are not supposed to have children but maybe there is a reason it is taking longer and more effort than normal. I mean, it would be super freaking great if the universe would let me know it's reasoning behind this ordeal. I don't think it's too much to ask, honestly. Like maybe if we were meant to get pregnant on our own, it would have happened a long time ago. Like right when we started dating and I didn't know how babies were made so the rhythm method seemed like a pretty solid form of birth control. That would have really, really sucked if I would have gotten pregnant the first about 6 months of dating. That sounds bad to say but I was there and let me tell you, big hott mess. Not good.

Maybe something big is going to happen in the next year or month or even tomorrow that will really alter our entire view on what our lives are and what we are supposed to do in the world. Maybe I will be cast in a Marvel movie or maybe I'll procure an insignificant flesh wound from a knife fight at da club when I'm goin' hard. We don't know what the future brings but we can hope there is a reason things happen and that no matter the path, we will eventually end up exactly where we are supposed to be. How can I know this for sure? Because how I met my husband was the most unlikely, round about way that you could imagine. There was absolutely no possible way our paths would have crossed if not for the very specific way things happened. And everyone I have met who has had a major effect on me has occurred because of the way things happened beginning at that point in my life. Many of them I know I wouldn't have met in any other way and even if I did, I know that the connection that I would have had with them would not have been the same.

Moral of the story, things happen for a reason. Even if it's something really crappy and unfair and a total load of bull, you have to have faith in the universe or whoever you think has control over your fate, has your overall best future in mind. Of course don't expect you can just sit on your couch and good things will happen for you. You still need to work towards your goals, I mean I've done so much research on the female and male reproductive systems that I am confident if they ever form a Pen15 club in my area, I will surely be president of my chapter. So I've go that going for me.

Later gators.

THE REAL WORLD: The Birds and the Bees

My family has an unusual way of...let's call it sympathizing...with me lately. As of this month we have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. The other day when my mom and I were talking about it she said something about how she didn't have me until she was 30 so it's ok if we waited. Lady, I've been trying to get knocked up for a year, keyword trying. It's not like I plan on waiting, it's just not happening. Then she asked something like "Well...are you doing it right?" Hooollldd up...what do you mean "doing it right", we actually have to do something?!?! Like together?!  In the same room?! WELL SHIT. I'm glad somebody finally explained things to me! Don't I feel foolish. Here I've been, 12 months, just sitting on the couch waiting for the immaculate conception!
Since I feel like I'm not doing something right...............................don't know why on Earth I would feel that way.....................*cough* I decided to PROVE it with statistics or whatever. So I restocked on ovulation prediction test strips, a basal thermometer and printed off charts to record everything. OH! So beautiful! So wonderful! This whole trying to get pregnant thing has officially become a pain in my ass. I shouldn't say that, I know there are people who try for years to get pregnant but for just a minute I want to bitch about it. So here it goes: this is ridiculous. It's a lot of work for something that is supposed to just happen. I'm pissy, I'm emotional and I don't give a fruck anymore. I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to have to take my basal temperature everyday, which you literally are supposed to do BEFORE YOU MOVE in the morning. I'm sick of catching my piss in a tiny shot glass size cup and dipping strips in it just to see once again I'm not ovulating. Last night I spilled it, yep that's right, I spilled my piss filled cup, all over my shorts, the bathroom rug, the floor. I'm sick of every month, not only getting to realize I'm not pregnant again, but then having mother nature kicking me when I'm down and giving me the most painful back cramps, front cramps, side cramps, Carrie prom scene in my pants, worst high school periods of my life. Oh hey girl hey! Guess what! You're not pregnant and also fuck you! Stab stab. Have fun with those khakis, stupid! AWESOME!

 Hiss. 

 So just to give fair warning, these are a couple of the things, that if said to me or any other woman trying to conceive, will eventually get you a punch to the throat.
1. Are you doing it right? < Insert part A into part B...You're right, this IS basically rocket science
2. Are you trying hard enough? <What does this even mean?!
3. You're trying too hard! Just relax! < Like chloroform relax? SH SHH SHH.. JUST BREATHE
4. Do you know you can't get pregnant or are you just assuming? <.....................................*PUNCH*
5. I knew a couple who tried for 463 years before they got pregnant. < Ain't nobody got time for that.
6. Is it you or him? <Actually it's you.
7. Maybe try a different guy! < This one, not funny. At all.
8. You're young still! < And you're still an ass
9. Well so and so stopped trying and 3 months later they were pregnant! <Oh really!? THANK GOD me and so and so opted for the 2 for 1 twin uterus special and we are exactly the same!
10. Show me how you're doing it....... *Creepy smile* < *creepy smile back* ....ok

Yes, I understand people are just trying to make me feel better and it's not like I don't want people to talk me but dammnnn. It's just hard to not to think it's my fault, which it is, in a way, my fault. I'm still in denial that there could be something not working right, you know, down there, my lady insides. I rather just pretend for awhile longer it's because I'm actually doing something wrong, not because I'm broken. YEAH YEAH YEAH I KNOW. "You're not broken" I don't want to hear it. Let's just talk about unicorns instead for a little bit, ok?

Byyee