Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Drama Queen or How to Make Your Life Seem Like A Movie!

I have been called a drama queen for as long as I can remember. Not just because of the tantrums I have been perfecting for 28 years but also because I sometimes lose touch with "reality". Not really, but people think I do. It has come up more than once from my husband, several times in the pre-marriage counseling sessions we had in fact. "She thinks life is like some kind of movie!" Yeah, ok, I know life isn't a movie but shit man, it's way more fun to pretend it is. If it helps me get through the day then what's the big deal? So you might have to play along with it once in awhile, is it really going to kill you to go dance in the backyard under the supermoon for 5 goddamn minutes with me? Is it really going to disrupt your schedule that much to pretend we are running from the cops or doing a party montage to an, at most, 4 minute song?? You can't let me have one emotional charged monologue once every few months? Seriously world. Get the fuck over yourself and your reality.

How to make your like seem like a movie

1. Spend a day lounging around, don't do your hair or makeup, don't shower, wear sweatpants, be as gross as possible. Basically every Saturday in my household. THEN make plans to go out, take shower, do your hair and makeup, get dressed up and TADA! IS THIS SOME KIND OF UGLY DUCKLING TURNED BEAUTIFUL SWAN STORY?! LOOK AT HOW FABULOUS YOU ARE! MOVIE MAGIC!!

2. Go for a car ride with friends. Put on an awesome song such as "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Have someone driving, wearing retro sunglasses, a passenger stare out the window at the edge of the road and power line poles, doing that little making waves thing out the window in the wind. If you have another friend, have them sit in the center of the back seat and do something funny and then all of you silent laugh at them. This makes a great beginning or ending to your brain film.

3. Have a dramatic "I just don't know what I am doing anymore" moment. This is easy because you can do this while in the middle of absolutely anything. All you do is close your eyes, put one hand on your forehead, the other on something nearby to keep yourself from falling over and quietly weep while moving your shoulders up and down in a dramatic fashion. Do it while: loading the dishwasher, doing laundry, looking at yourself in the mirror, cleaning, after yelling at your dogs for not getting the dance steps right, literally anytime.

4. Next is the "NO. I CAN DO THIS." moment. This happens sometime after #3. Do a heavy sigh, stand up straight, shoulders back and walk with purpose. Yes, YOU CAN! Don't do this while playing "Eye of the Tiger" in your brain jukebox though. That's so overdone.

5. Romantic scenes can vary, dancing outside in the moonlight, go outside and kiss when it's raining, lay in the grass holding hands.Since this involves another person, sometimes it's best to just skip this unless they are totally committed. Otherwise it will be half assed and stupid. What? I'm not bitter....I'M NOT.

All of these things should be done with a sweet, sweet soundtrack playing either in your head or with your phone.It's guaranteed to back your life more entertaining and slightly more bearable. Hell, take it one step further, and pull out "The Director". Anytime you are in a situation that you really rather not be in just yell "CUT! CHANGE SCENE!" and hustle away. No one will know what the heck is going on and you have just given yourself at least a 10 second head start. *Disclaimer* this spiffy move is best used for awkward social situations but not really events such as funerals, police interrogations, or anything else that is actually serious.

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