Friday, August 1, 2014

I messed up.

"Never let your fear decide your fate...."

I screwed up. I got scared and I didn't register for my immersion course in Chicago soon enough and the class is full for the week I was able to go. I'm upset, I'm really upset. I'm also relieved, which makes me sad. Because I really wanted to go through this experience and I think it would have been really good for me to have done it. But I let my hesitation get the best of me, I waited until the last minute and now I've missed out. It wasn't just being scared of the unknown, it was a big commitment time wise away from work, money wise the cost of travel, boarding and the actual course price. I would be alone in a city I've never been to, doing things I've never done. Even little things like navigating the L Train or the city bus lines are brand new to me. It makes me anxious thinking about it. I would have to meet new people, I wouldn't know anyone there. It would literally be like being reborn, I would be completely in the raw. It would've been a great chance to find out exactly who I am and what I'm made of. Yes, I am upset I took this chance away from myself. It makes me feel like a failure, I let myself down and I am the only one to blame. I had 100% support behind me from my family, friends, co-workers. No one doubted for a second I could do it, except for myself. Even now I could try calling, plead with them to make an exception. Please, PLEASE let me join. Please make room for just one more. But I won't, I'll sit here and feel sorry for myself. But also relieved, that I didn't try and end up failing anyways.

This is a terribly depressing post but sometimes life isn't always happy. I guess the biggest piece of advice is exactly what I wrote above "Never let your fear decide your fate". At the risk of sounding like a complete emo kid, these are lyrics from one of my new favorite songs. It just happens to correlate with what's going on in my life right now. Kind of like how the lyrics to "23" by Mike Will Made It ft Miley correlate to my life on any normal day. "I be in the club, standin on a couch. In them Wolf Greys, like it's my house." I literally do this every day. It's uncanny.

So that's the story about how my procrastinating bit me in the butt. I am, however, going to audition for a local production of Annie; this time I'm going along with a friend so I actually have to follow through. I think I'm going to shoot for the stars and show up in a red, curly wig and little red dress. Because that definitely wouldn't creep anyone out.

Thank you everyone for the support you showed me in effort to help me follow my dreams. I hope I didn't let anyone down too terribly. It's nice to know you guys have my back, no matter where my crazy plans lead me. Don't worry, I'll get there someday.

No comments:

Post a Comment