School of Hard Knocks

Once upon a time, I was in a play. Yes, this is about Annie again. Last rehearsal, I had to actually sing my part in front of everyone. I chalked the audition nervousness up to being in front of a bunch of people I barely knew. Well turns out I have this GOD DAMN stage fright bullshit. Lines, would have been fine. Comedy, presentations, I can handle that but I just WANTED, PLEADED for this dang singing solo. How was I supposed to know I wasn't going to be able to sing in front of a ton of people? Besides the fact I can't even sing in my own house if someone else is home, or in front of my family, or my friends? Shocker! Now if it were a room full of my dogs, I'd rock the shit out of it. My dogs LOVE to listen to me sing. They follow me into my studio aka the guest room full of books, craft stuff, clothes and my keyboard squeezed in there and let me serenade them for hours. But I get in front of people, nice people who were probably looking at me very sympathetically but I didn't notice since I was too busy LITERALLY dying from embarrassment, and my mind decides it would be a great time to screw with me.

Brain- "Hey guurll heeeeyyyy"
Me- "Shut the hell up brain, I'm trying to concentrate!"
Brain- "Oh my bad! I just have something to tell you! Just real quick. Just REEEEAAALLLLLL QUUUIICCKKKKKK. REEEAAAALLL QUUIIICCKK, REAL QUICK"
Me- "Damnit! What?!"
Brain- "OK! SO! Remember that time....when we were really little...like 5 or 6...when we were in Girl Scouts? Remember we were doing that show? It was in that cabin at that park with the big lake? ....and we were like wearing that construction paper duck mask? ......and you had to say that line....."
Me- ".........don't you do it....don't you bleeping do this to me, brain....."
Brain- "Yeaaaah...remember that?...and we had to do that line...and we couldn't do it? And we just started crying REALLY HARD and couldn't breath...and that Natalie girl had to do our line for us because we were ruining the ENTIRE show? Remember that?! Yeah..so...THAT'S RIGHT NOW!!!!  STUPID LITTLE DUCKLING!!"
Me- *angry tears* "You the devil brain, you the devil."

Guys, it was awful. I just murdered it and everything from that point on, I was done. There was no coming back, any bit of confidence I had was shattered. I barely got through the rest of the rehearsal. A couple big hearted people told me I did a good job but compared to how I sound at home, singing with my dogs, it was horrible. I text my husband and told him what happened. His advice was to close my eyes and pretend they weren't there. That may have worked for Ray Charles all those years but I don't think I could pull that off. I wanted to quit. But I'm no quitter...hahaha just kidding, I quit halfway through everything. Fortunately or unfortunately, I made a commitment and I need to follow through. I guess I'm going to have to beg and/or pay some very patient and/or homeless people to sacrifice a few minutes of their time to help me get over this issue. Who knows, maybe I'll get my part taken away, which would be really awkward come Opening Night when I shank whoever takes my spot and use their blood as war paint as I belt out MY solo.
(Dear police, this is just a tasteless joke. It's kind of my thing. Please do not arrest me.)

Well I'm off to google "how many drinks do I need to overcome stage fright" and "cheap, high capacity bra flasks".  Stay thirsty my friends.

Almost Famous

Even though I have a backlog of blog posts to publish, I just HAD to write this little snippet as an update from my failed Chicago plans. Still upset about that. Well since I didn't make it to Chicago this week, I was able to make it to auditions for the local production of "Annie". Why was this a big deal? #1. I can count on one hand the number of times in my adult life I have actually tried to sing in front of people. Unlike karaoke, where I majestically flail my arms around in interpretive dance, I was sober and spent several days practicing the song I would be singing. I can read the shit out of lines, I can (badly) dance like nobody's business, I can do presentations, make speeches, perform marriage ceremonies, entertain a crowd of people with little hesitation but when it comes to singing in front of people, actual quality trying my best singing. I can't do it. I get nervous, I feel stupid, I feel completely exposed. #2. I have made leaps and bounds progress since college with my social anxiety. At one time I was unable to walk into a room if there were already several people in it. I have wanted to try out for the local theater for a few years now but I always talked myself out of it at the last minute. This time I did have a friend to go with (shout out Jamie!) so it made things easier but I feel like even if she hadn't been there, I would have gone. Because sometimes you just have to do it.

They held auditions on Tuesday and Wednesday night, I went on Tuesday. I read for Grace first. When it came to the singing part of the audition, I asked them if I could sing the "Star-to-Be" portion of the song NYC instead of Grace's part because I didn't really want that big of a part and I would like to be considered for the "Star-to-Be" role instead. So I sang the "Star-to-Be" part, I was super, super nervous and I could tell I didn't sing at 100%. I read for Lily as well and the rest of the night went great. There were a lot of very talented people and I heard even more auditioned on Wednesday night.They told us we would get an email on Thursday sometime letting us know who was cast.

As promised, I received an email on Thursday and HOLY SHIT I got the part I wanted! Sure, I was probably the only one who asked for it and auditioned specifically for it but I feel pretty cool soooo don't burst my bubble or I'll cut cha.

Well that's my update. I'll post this and in a couple days I'll post one of the 3 other posts I have ready and waiting.