Sunday, November 4, 2012

Kitten Tales

So as many of you know, unless you aren't my FB friend or have me blocked, on October 1st I became aware of a tiny, little kitten which showed up in my neighborhood.

Soon I became obsessed. When ever I was home I would just sit and stare out our living room window, hoping to catch a glimpse of this little wonder.
As the weather grew colder, I started to worry for the kitten's health and safety. I set up a watch post next to my window, strategically placed cat food at the perfect angle so I could see the kitten but it was still in the bushes a little, out of the view of any predators (other than myself). I had a pretty good plan, when I saw the kitten approaching I would throw the dogs in the bedroom, so they couldn't bark and scare it away, run out the back door, sneak up the side of the house (keeping a careful eye for crunchy leaves) and wait for my chance. It didn't work. The kitten had wandered to the other side of the house, so then I just kept going out to check. Though I was incredibly quiet, I was wearing my sweet moccasins, I soon realized my neighbor from across the street and one house down was out walking his dog. I noticed him watching me and very possibly calling the police. I probably shouldn't have worn the face mask stocking cap and all black outfit BUT I WAS BEING SNEAKY. I was also unsuccessful.
And build a shanty I did! It was a sweet little get-up, a cooler on its side in the bushes, threw a old  towel in there and used the lid of the cooler to make a roof. Suitable protection from the elements for a tiny, wittle kitty witty. Unfortunately, the kitten didn't use the shelter that night, or the night after, or the night after. So then on October 12, I decided I would attempt to trap the kitten. If my trapping was a success, I planned on taking the kitten to the shelter or finding it a home. My sister, L-bot, happened to have a small live animal trap she used to used to trap ground squirrels that would get in the basement of her old apartment. Yes, ground squirrels broke into her apartment enough times that she was forced to buy a trap. Anyways, I go get the trap, get some more canned cat food from the store, SET IT AND FORGET IT!! Remember that info-mercial?? haha. But really I set the trap and put it on the front porch with a towel over it, it was raining. Really early that morning we got a bad storm, it woke me up at like 6:30, Rob was already up getting ready to go to work. I was also watching Ellie so I got up and moved her in with me so in case the storm woke her up, she wouldn't be so scared. Then I was all "The Kitten Trap!" I go look in the trap and I CAPTURED IT! HUZZAH!
So I bring it inside and head downstairs to transfer it from the little trap to Mag's luxury transport, aka a medium dog pet taxi I got at the flea market for $15. The kitten was clearly a little shook up from all the commotion, a tiny bit irritated. I may have accidently slammed the trap into a door jam while trying to carry all the shit downstairs but I'm pretty sure the kitten was already angry before that happened. So I'm trying to get the kitten out of the trap and into the carrier when something goes horribly wrong and the kitten flings itself out of the trap and runs across the room. So I get it cornered and calmly try to talk it into getting in the carrier. It does not feel like getting in the crate but it did feel like hissing, spitting and scratching me. So now I'm wondering if maybe this isn't the greatest idea, what if this thing has rabies, maybe its too feral and I shouldn't have intervened. About this time I hear Ellie asking in her tired, little voice "Did we catch the kitten?" So I tell her yes but stay on the stairs because it escaped and it's a little cray cray. I get it cornered again and I get close enough to put a towel over it and grab it. So I'm fat girl hustlin' back to the center of the room to the carrier when the dirty little bastard goes spastic, scratches the shit out of my hands and bites through my finger, including the nail. So I'm screaming, not a high pitch squeal, its like a full baritone "AUUUGGHHHHHHHHHH!!" That is the point that I realize ok yes this was a terrible mistake, this thing is clearly Satan incarnate and I definitely now have frucking rabies.
Kitten, now know as Devil Kitty Bite Bite gets thrown..dropped...placed carefully back on the floor. And the thing vanishes, GONE. Black magic shit. At this point I am bleeding EVERYWHERE, yet staying incredibly calm. Not really, I'm actually yelling up the stairs at Ellie to have Rob give her the cat food out of the fridge, neither of them are communicating well with each other so I scream "%&$# IT. I'LL GET THE %&$#ING CAT FOOD MY-%&$#ING SELF." To which Rob replies WHAT THE %&$# IS GOING ON?! so I tell him, 'THE GOD DAMN DEVIL KITTEN GOT %&$#ING LOOSE OK?!?!. More swearing, Ellie yelling at us for swearing and fighting, Rob leaving, slamming the door on the way out. Mind you this is all happening shortly after 7:00 a.m.
So I spend like 15 minutes looking EVERYWHERE for this kitten, on my hands and knees, can not find it. So as a last resort I have Ellie get Bella for me. Both Bella and Rolo are rat terriers and even though they sit around watching TV all day, they are great at the job they were bred for (except for killing rabbits, Magnus put the fear of bun in them soon after he came to live here). Bella is my tracker and Rolo is my killer, these two have gone straight Ghost Face Killa' on some moles in the backyard. So we get Bella downstairs and in 30 seconds she finds little Diablo el Gato hiding on a shelf, tucked between a box and a TV. Kitten takes off again, corner it, this time the stupid thing runs right into the pet taxi. YES!
Ellie and I take turns calling it Satan and decide it is way, way too feral to take to the shelter and I am way too angry to deal with it. So after all that, we take it back outside and let little Charles Manson Dahlmer go. Looking back I feel like I probably should have let it calm down for a couple hours but I was seriously so pissed my mind was unable to think rationally and I just wanted the damn thing out of my house. We have already established I am a terrible person, so whatever. We did take the following pictures before we released it:

So Ellie watched from the safety of inside the entryway as I opened Pandora's Box and let the plague of Devil Kitty Bite Bite back into the world. I then went inside to cuddle with Magnus and tell him that he was a good bun-bun and not an asshole, not even a little bit. Compared to that kitten he was like an fluffy, orange dream. Then he bit me, I dropped him back into his cage, called him an asshole and stomped off. Then Ellie and I went back to sleep.
The End....
NOPE. NOT THE END! Little did I know this was only intermission.
About 7 hours later.
Ok if you were pissed about me letting the kitten go instead of exorcising are not going to want to read this next part...
Rob hears Bella barking in the backyard, which is not unusual being that Bella is a loud mouth and loves to sit and bark at the back fence. He opens the back door and tells her to get inside and as usual she doesn't listen, so he walks out to get her and starts yelling at me that the stupid kitten is out there. I'm like "AHHHH IT'S THE DEVIL! KEEP IT AWAY FROM BELLA!"
I run out there and it is just crouched in the grass hissing and clawing at everyone. So we scare Bella off to the front part of the yard and wait to see if the kitten will take off running but it doesn't. It tried, but its back half just drug behind it. We are like F*&%! Bella just attacked this damn kitten. So Rob starts freaking out, I don't really say anything because I feel like shit for A. Calling the kitten Satan multiple times, and B. Letting it go in the first place. So I just go inside to get a towel and the carrier but I think Rob thought I was just going to leave it because when I came back out he was like " You can't just leave it there!!" He is very sensitive to creatures in need. I just keep telling him to go check Bella and make sure she's not all beat up, in case we need to call the vet or something. I call around and get ahold of animal control. I tell them I have a feral kitten that may have been bitten by a dog, I failed to say my dog because I was scared for some reason, so they say they will come by and get it. We are waiting and waiting, for almost an hour, both of us feeling terrible because Bella tried to murder a baby kitten, even if it was the most evil kitten in all the land. We just couldn't figure out why she bit the thing, just in the last year we have had two, TWO bunnies get stuck in our fence and both times Bella has been the one to find them and both times she just sat next to them, barking, until we came out to save them. That kitten was little but very vicious and I didn't think Bella was dumb enough to get right in the line of fire. So animal control gets to my house and the conversation went like this:
Me: "Hello. Here is the kitten."
Her: "What happened?"
Me:*thinking* Uhh Uhh f-balls.. "It's hurt(???)"
Her: "Let's take a look"
Me: "Ok. Be careful, it's very feral"
She's talking to the kitten and gets ahold of it.
Her: "Yep. Dog got it, that's for sure. You know of any dogs around here?"
Me:*Thinking* uhh uhh(as my two dogs are literally in the window directly behind me barking like assholes) shit* "Umm well I have two but they have been inside all day" (Lie)
She looks over my shoulder and says "Those two?! No, this was a big dog that got it, a biiigg dog!"
Me: **HALLALLUUJAAHHH!!** Oh, well there is a couple big dogs around here.
Her: "Well we will call the Doc and see what we can do for this little guy."
Me: "Ok. Thanks. Bye"
So  I run inside and tell Rob that Bella is not a murderer and we apologize to her and tell her she is a good dog. Obviously if it was B. she probably would have gotten at least a little scratched up from Kung-Fu Kitty.
So the moral of the story is:
 You can't help something that doesn't want your help but if you let it go, it will be bitten by a dog, come back so you feel like a piece of shit for letting it go in the first place, frame your innocent dog, who was only trying to help, for murder and possible die.
Sad story bro :(

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