Friday, November 30, 2012

True Love and Crime Fighting

Rob and I will be together forever.

You're thinking "How can you say that? Forever is a really long time! How do you know?" Well I'm sure at some point we will begin to hate each other but even then I'm fairly confident we will stay together as long as we both shall live. Why? Because the some of the things we've done around each other CAN NEVER BE KNOWN. Seriously. If shit gets bad enough that we are considering a divorce, it's going to be like Mr. & Mrs. Smith at our house. Remember that movie? Only we would be fatter, not as beautiful versions of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Except only one of us would make it out alive.
When you are in a relationship, things will happen that you'll take to the grave. I tell my best friend a lot, then when I get drunk I tell everyone else in the bar even more. But even in a drunken pirate stupor, there are things I will never, NEVER say. I'm also not telling you, Nosey Nancy, but here are some guidelines for the beginner on things never to talk about:

1. Anytime anything has had to be squeezed, popped or prodded by your partner, on any part of your body which requires you to use a mirror to see. And no one has to know you requested the mirror to see how your significant other is handling things. Not even if you are married to a doctor, no one needs to know that shit.

2. Anything embarrassing that may happen between the sheets. Not only while being intimate, but anytime you are in bed. Sometimes you can't help what your body does in a relaxed state.

3. Anything that required the disposal of any article of clothing due to an embarrassing mishap.

4. Anytime one of you gets stuck in a garment of any kind, with the exception that the garment is 4 or more sizes too small and you knew it wasn't going to fit before you tried it on. Then tell everyone, that's really funny.

5. If either of you ever dropped your child or anyone elses child.

6. That really bad fight you had. Especially when it was over the last Little Debbie.

7. Referencing back to number 2: Anything you may have tried in order to spice up your love life in which you failed horribly.

8. Your love life in general, really. When you talk about it with others you're either going to creep them out or turn them on, which is creepy in itself. Just don't do it.

9. The massive amount of food you ate together, then went to get ice cream.

10. Toilet clogs.

I'm sure there are many more but those are the ten I could think of without making my brain hurt.

Besides keeping secrets, another important trait in a spouse or significant other is respect. I feel like Rob respects me and therefore trusts in most of the decisions I make in life. He isn't at all controlling, actually he kind of just lets me run around and do whatever I feel like doing, and usually backs me up. Now that I think about it he either really, really loves me a lot or not at all. I'm going with love.

For example, today I was driving to my mom's, talking to my sister on the phone. She had just pulled up to her apartment building and noticed some weirdo pulling bags of garbage out of the dumpster and putting them in his truck. I just happen to be about a half a block from her apartment, so naturally I do the completely sane thing, slam on the gas and attempt to catch this could be identity/banana peel thief down myself. Well I couldn't find him so I call Lacey back, quickly interrogated her for information and drive to my mom's. The minutes passed as I waited for my slow ass mother to get in the car, I tried to motivate her by screaming out of the car window and honking the horn wildly but it was soon evident I would not be able to track him down. So I reluctantly called the police with my full report and decided they could deal with it. Finally my mom got the hint and got in the car, I filled her in on my failed mission and chewed her out for making me loose the perp. Just then, my mom yells "RED TRUCK! WITH A TOPPER!" which was the exact vehicle Lacey had described to me. He went back to the scene of the crime and was once again leaving the parking lot. So we squealed out of my mom's side yard we use as a second driveway (yes, yes we are very classy) and took off after him. Luckily for him two vehicles came between us and for the first time in history we had to wait for about a million cars to pass before we could go. Not knowing which way to turn, we surveillanced the area and determined he must have taken a right, we headed west. I looked down the streets on my side, madre looked down the streets on her side. By the tome we came to the four way stop, he was long gone. "He isn't down this way! Go left! GO LEFT!" she shouted, but my gut told me otherwise "NO! We go straight!" I forcefully replied. As I flew down the residential street going 624 mph I caught of glimpse of red. "Gotcha!" As we sped on, another stop sign. As I went to California roll it, my mom was busy yelling 'THERE HS GOES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" "STOP SIGN!!" I yelled back "DON'T STOP! YOU DON'T STOP WHEN YOU'RE CHASING!" He busted a right, I flew up behind the dumb white SUV in between us and proceeded to also bust a right. Suddenly we see the truck pull into a driveway a couple houses down. "There he is! There he is!" I say while my mom is yelling "PULL OVER!" Then we argue about pulling over, so I pull over. Now this is one part of my crime fighting I need to work on because I have pulled entirely to close to the guy, my mom and I are yelling at each other, she wants to get out of the car and go up to him and I think we should just watch him for a minute. My mom flings her door open and gets out, I'm screaming 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" She does this weird two step turning thing like she can't decide which direction to go, gets back in the car, we look over and the guy is just staring at us. We are not sneaky. So then I go into Academy Award mode, open my door while at the same time hitting my truck button, get out, walk to the trunk, lift, close and channeling Shakespearean Theatre shout "Damn trunk!" while shaking my fist at the heavens. I jump back in the car and we fly off down the hill. Then I called the police back, told them I found the guy and where to find them, I'm sure she was writing down every crazy word of it. Then we waited at the bottom of the hill for awhile, argued about my mom wanted to go look in the back of his truck and finally drove towards my house.
On the way home I called Rob and told him the whole story. I told him I reported the guy for suspicious behavior and that since our stakeout went horribly wrong, he might also get a call about two females in a car with our license plate acting suspiciously as well. He replied "I'll just tell them, 'Yep, that's my wife!" I bragged about my sweet vigilante justice skills and he told me he didn't think vigilante is actually a good thing and I said at least I'm not a terrorist.

Moral of the story is, once you find that special someone who puts up with your questionable life choices, someone who doesn't judge you for having seconds and still having room for ice cream, someone who is willing to claim you when the police call, hold on to them.

Until next time.

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