Sunday, November 11, 2012

Post Electolyptic Post

As none of you may know, my husband and  I have some differing opinions when it comes to politics, his are researched and well founded while mine are usually based on TV sitcoms, things I think I've heard and full blown lies I make up as I go, as most of my opinions are. We also vote for different parties. We don't usually talk about politics because he always get mad at me, the conversations start out intriguing but because I don't know squat about government it always, ALWAYS ends in me making up "facts' and pretty soon I'm yelling "Mitt Romney personally called me and told me he is coming to cut out my uterus because I'm really a gay man and he doesn't want to give me my food stamps!!" Rob then tells that I'm ignorant and gets pissed.
I'm not ignorant, I'm just annoyed. Some people gets so worked up about politics, to those people I just want to say take a look at your own life. I don't know about you guys but I have enough crap to deal with, life is hard enough as it is without being pissed off at some government figure everyday of your life. Or just the government in general.
I speak from experience, let me elaborate. In eighth grade we got a computer, along with this computer we also got the internet or as I call it the "intskernets", that's not a clever code or anything I just talk that way. My mother had a friend who would come over and use our intskernets and soon I was privy to the underground world that is government conspiracy theories. I learned all sorts of amazing things that when brought up in conversation with my 8th grade friends.....ok friend (singular), made me seem NOT SUPER F-ING WEIRD AT ALL. If you want to ensure your kid has no friends going into high school, get them googling chemtrails and FEMA camps. Yeeeahh!! That's the shit right there! I remember sitting in choir one day, talking to my friend Lynsey about how the government is constantly watching us with satellites and super mics and if I said anything about a plot against the president or something, agents would be busting down the doors in minutes. Sounds pretty legit right? Soon my government conspiracy stage passed and I went back to being just the regular everyday weirdo I am. Sure I still get a little caught up when The Discovery Channel airs the occasionally Area 51 program but for the most part I'm over. Besides, if the government did decide to round me up and throw me in a FEMA camp, I already know how that would play out...Like this:

4:00 a.m. - CIA operatives bust through the door and head to my bedroom. Four of them immediately trip over all the crap on the floor, break their necks in the fall, die.
4:05 a.m. - Second string of CIA ops bust through the windows, manage to get me into custody, as they are verifying it's me, they are blinded by both the flashlight reflecting off my baby powder white skin and my early morning Medusa-like appearance. I then open my mouth and the poisonous gas that is my morning breath fills their lungs and they die.
5:10 a.m. - After many casualties lost by way of death farts, ravenous rabbits and a rare form of lung fungus. The CIA decide to rethink their strategy, they successfully lure me into their van using bacon. They do not give me any of the bacon. Bastards.
9:10 a.m. - *During transport* CIA refuses to feed me hoping to wear me down. Their plan backfires, my hanger (hungry anger) transforms me into a raging she-hulk. I tear everyone in the van limb from limb, the van is mine!
9:45 a.m. - I'm found parked outside IHOP, in a pancake coma. Recaptured.
10:30 a.m. - Taken to FEMA camp outside Kansas City. Checked in, orientation film
12:30 p.m. - Smell BBQ ribs, bust through electric and razor wire fences
1:05 p.m. - Found on sidewalk, in BBQ rib coma. Taken back to camp.
1:20 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. - Alternating 15 minute spontaneous song & dance spurts and 15 minute hysterical emotional breakdowns
10:15 p.m.- Thrown out of moving van, onto my front yard. CIA decides I'm not worth the trouble. Walk inside, sit on couch, watch tv.

See! No biggie! Like everything in life, just because even if someone has a plan, like putting everyone in a FEMA work camp, doesn't mean it will ever work. The biggest variable in any equation is people, they are completely unpredictable, you can't plan them. I don't really know how to end this post and I'm sick of typing sooooooo..

love you, bye.

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