Friday, June 15, 2012

House Bunny, Not as Awesome as it Sounds

A little background:
My husband, bless his heart, is horribly allergic to cats. I, on the other hand, am a self declared cat lady at heart. In fact my orange Persian cat, Brody (RIP), had a guest appearance in my senior pictures.
Clearly I was extremely cool in high school.

I couldn't imagine not having a fluffy meowzer around the house. Then I met Rob, and I fell in love with Rob and much to my dismay came to the realization I may never be able to own a cat again. This is where my innovative and brilliant problem solving skills came into play. I thought to myself "Bunnies!" Bunnies are fluffy, soft, warm, cuddly...That's it! Bunnies are the ideal substitution for a cat! The more research I did, the greater the idea became. Holy crap, you can litter train them! Tons of people co-habitate with these wonderful balls of fluff, no cages, free range house bunnies! This is wonderful! After months of researching everything house rabbit related and many subtle displays of my new found rabbit super-intelligence, I somehow convinced (or according to him, told) my husband we were going to be bunny parents.  Thanks to the local hillbilly sale/flea market I soon found a fellow who bred various breeds, including the majestic Holland Lop, which I had decided would make the perfect house bunny.  He told me he had a pregnant doe, due in early June, and after 6 weeks I could have my very own BABY BUNNY! SQUEAL! By the end of July we found ourselves driving home with a tiny orange bundle of joy in a cardboard box. Just to set the record straight, ignorance truly is bliss.

 Welcome Home!!

He looks so harmless!

Rabbits are assholes. Well at least mine is, Magnus is a mean, wild critter with dagger like claws and a thirst for blood. Think of a falcon, now give it floppy ears and cover it with orange fur, that's Magnus. Ok I'm slightly exaggerating but here are some things I've learned:

1. If you hold a rabbit anywhere near your face it will eventually kangaroo razor kick it off.

2. Rabbits are masters of manipulation. Like sirens of the sea they will put you into a hypnotic state in which you will feel the overwhelming need to pick up the rabbit and bring it towards your face, this is a trap, they do not want your kisses, they want your blood.

3. I thought it would be a good idea to bring a rabbit into a home with two rat terriers (don't worry, this is not going where you think it is) I thought maybe they could be friends, get used to the bunny while he was just little and vice versa. My rabbit kicks my dogs asses. He is a bully, he lunges at them when they walk by his cage. When he is out of his cage, he will charge them. He has no fear of these two dogs who are now scarred for life from being constantly beat up by the same species they have killed and mauled in their own backyard. The therapy costs are ridiculous.

4.You will need to get your pet rabbit spayed or neutered. At about 4-5 months you will notice a change in your male bunny. He will, for a short time, become extremely loving and cuddly. One day you will reach down into his cage to pet the little lovebug and he will proceed in an attempt to rape your hand. Then you will back away from the cage and watch in horror as this hormone driven bunny tries repeatedly to push the top of his cage open because what Magnus wants, Magnus gets. At this point you might run to your bedroom, slam and lock the door which will wake your husband who is not even slightly empathetic to the fact you were just sexually assaulted by a 4-lb maniac.

5.Two things rabbits excel at are pooping and shedding. I have never meet an animal that can shed like a rabbit sheds, and it isn't just a couple times a year, its all year round. Do you know why rabbit fur is so soft? Because it is made of air and that milkweed fluff, it's next to impossible to sweep up. Any slight updraft will send that shit into orbit until it eventually lands on something. The at point of contact, it begins to weave itself into whatever fabric you are wearing, congratulations it is now a part of you.

6. Magnus is litter trained, but he is also bound and determined to make my life as awesome as possible, so he will go potty in his litter and within five minutes:
Magnus throws his litter and poo all over his cage. Yes, that is parquet flooring in his cage, he's classy like that.

The list goes on, and on, and on...

I would never say I want to get rid of the little bugger, I couldn't imagine my life without him, but I would never recommend someone get a pet rabbit for their kid. I'm a grown adult and can barely handle the constant care a rabbit requires. Its pure insanity some days. It hasn't all been bad, he is fairly good at recognizing a child from an adult and he puts up with a lot more manhandling from a child. He lets my neice carry him around and he behaves when I take him to work to visit the kids. He also lets me dress him up and take pictures of him, which is cool of him. His artistic take on various characters brings happiness to many.

Well I supposed that's all for my first post, I'm tired of typing and using my brain. (That happens a lot so don't be surprised when entries end abruptly) So long!

1 comment:

  1. Okay So I had tears rolling down my face. Brad thought I had lost it.