Saturday, May 28, 2016

Insignificant yet life altering traumas: The Lesbian Years

Growing up, my parents both seemed a little worried about my lack of dating. This plus the fact that I was a tomboy, didn't really do my hair or makeup and fit the "stereotype" apparently led them to only one possible conclusion. I must love vagina.

If you recall or maybe I've never mentioned it, my parents were divorced and by divorced I mean loathed each other with the fire of one thousand suns. Honestly, I don't remember them being married, all my memories are visitation arguments and crap, but holy hell. Like I don't know what the fuck happened that made them get a divorce but whatever it was, it had to have been some catastrophic event to make two people harbor so much hate for each other. It's almost fascinating! I'm sure each of them have their own story, frankly I give zero shits about either side BUT I do want to say if it was "He was crazy!" or "She was unstable!" I will have to take offense because I am actually crazy and unstable and I still can't imagine doing anything so bad to be on the receiving end of what I witnessed. I think they mostly just blamed each other for shit that, in all sincerity, probably didn't fucking matter at all in the scope of life but they were both so dedicated to hating each other it didn't matter the topic. It was out of this world. I'm not saying they are why I am so messed up but I'm not denying it contributed in one way or another. Ask all of my three therapists....they'll tell you what's up.

Anyways that entire paragraph was just to explain that my parents did not communicate about anything for any reason. This is important to know because that means they both came to the verdict of my lesbianism very, very separately. And when I was approached by each of them, the conversation also differed greatly.

Father: I remember he had a couple of friends over and they were sitting on the back deck having a couple drinks. Though any type of socialization with "those kind of people" was pretty much excruciating for me, for some reason I went out near them. By "those kind of people" I obviously mean the upper middle class who censor themselves in public, talk shit about people even though they are 40-some years old and have probably never worn sweatpants to Aldi before, even though everyone knows Aldi's produce is always on point. Anyways, they were probably drinking wine or craft beer back when Sam Adams was the "craft beer". It was unusual because my father had been drinking and was slightly intoxicated which was out of the ordinary for him, usually he would drink one or two but I never remember him drinking to excess at all. Regardless, I went outside, I was at the table and he says something like, "Blah blah blah, you better not be a lesbian" or some shit like that. The only reason that it stuck with me so long is because A. It was in front of some other people and they laughed about it so I felt really embarrassed and B. I put it on my "Stuff that will disappoint your father" brain list. I probably could have busted out the fact I jumped into bed with my camp boyfriend and this happened. All on his dime, by the way, but I was too traumatized to do anything but walk back inside

Mother: We were driving in the car, she asked about if I ever talked to any boys or something. I just shrugged and she said, "Well are you a lesbian?" and I said, "No." and she said "Ooook. Well if you are.... that's can tell me." *wink wink, nudge nudge*

There were also a lot of people in school who apparently thought I was a lesbian. During my graduation ceremony, two girls were talking a bunch of shit about me and called me a "fucking dyke" for cheering for my best friend. It was pretty cool of them to get that last shot in, they were class acts. Just for the record, my life isn't perfect but their lives seem waayyyy shittier than mine so they can go fuck right off. Dumb bitches.

Anyways, if being a lesbian were a choice, I feel like if I wanted to choose that path, I wouldn't have just because of all the shit I went through. And it makes me feel really horrible for any individual who actually is gay and has to deal with this shit. I'm not gay, that I know of, and it was terrible for me. I can only imagine how it would feel to be personally attacked and made to feel shame for just being who the fuck you were when you were born. It just goes to show you how amazingly strong some people are, I admire the shit out of that.

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