Monday, June 20, 2016


I guess now that it has been made "Facebook official" by husband, it's time to let people know what is going on in our lives. After 11 years, and many, many changes on both our sides we have decided to get a divorce. Yes, there are obviously a lot of emotions but overall it is the best decision. I've had many people comment "But you guys seemed so good together!" True, we did have a million awesome times together but personally for myself there were things missing that I needed in our marriage that I wasn't able to get from him. Our closest friends will tell you, both of us are amazing people but just because amazing people are together doesn't always make it work. This isn't something that was rushed into, there have been feelings of incompleteness on my part for awhile and I'd been quietly mourning the lost of a marriage on my own for quite some time. We talked about it several times and we tried, we really did, but things never lined up the way they needed to. Everyday I would wake up hoping I would feel differently, that he would fill that hole I needed filled (not in a perverted way), that it was just my disorder screwing with me but I soon realized that wasn't it.

Towards the end, I wasn't giving him enough respect, I stopped trying and I didn't want there to be so much animosity between us that things would get ugly. I don't want to hate anyone and I don't want anyone hating me, especially someone I spent such an enormous part of my life growing with. There is no love lost in this separation. I have no regrets and I am incredibly grateful for Rob and what he has given me and helped me become over the years. I was with him since 18 years old, he is 85% responsible for the 29 year old woman I have become. He has been a determining factor in the person I have grown to be, especially the awesome parts.

I've seen couples who you can tell should have been divorced a long time ago but are still together, I don't feel it's fair for either person to go through that when they could have moved on and continued their lives. I've also seen terrible divorces full of hatred, selfishness and jealousy and didn't want any ill feelings to come between us, though I would never fault him if he did feel some of that towards me. It's just a shit situation. Of course we are hurting and sad but for the sake of us both, I believe it was the right decision.

Speaking of changes, besides the obvious emotional stuff and growing as individuals, there is a more literal sense to the word. I've been extremely lucky in the last few years to never want for anything, ever. Due to our separation, pending divorce and trying to pay off some mutual bills to make everything go more smoothly, my lifestyle is taking a major hit in the way of finances. I'm slowly getting used to the idea of transitioning from two incomes to just one and I haven't quite gotten the hang of it. I was maniac this weekend and spent too much money on dumb shit but at least I have a tennis racket, two fishing nets, jeggings, shorts, a couple new shirts, sunglasses and some other stuff (but not new boat shoes, my brother cut me off before I could buy them)  Not just that but I only know how to show my love by buying things for people and it is seriously a terrible habit. I also can't say no because I feel like people might hate me or think I don't care about them if I can't give them what they want. I do draw lines but it's super hard for me. Back to my point, today I had an eye-opening experience. I was buying a pop at work and looking for change in my purse, not just change, I had to use pennies. If you know me, I have this super weird thing about touching change that is mixed all together but especially if pennies are involved, I hate it. I absolutely hate it, so much so I usually just throw the pennies out, in the garbage. I know it's totally #basicbitchproblems and I'm sure people will reading this and be disgusted but it's the truth. Even I know it's completely ridiculous so don't feel bad hating on me at all. They are just weird and gross and it makes my almost sick handling them. I have a lot of weird quirks, I'm not proud.

Overall, there are a lot of emotions. I can't say there isn't. When you are with someone that long, changes happen and it can really fuck up your plans. Luckily the universe knows what it's doing and you can rely on the fact that you will eventually end up where you are supposed to be. At least that's what I am doing.

No comments:

Post a Comment