Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Domestic Emotional Terrorist

So I have this super awesome diagnosis of a super awesome disorder that makes my life fucking miserable. It's wonderful, it screws with every aspect of my life making shit way more difficult than it needs to. I think my favorite part is how I can be treated like complete shit by someone but I still need their approval to continue existing so I end up telling myself that I'm a terrible person and since I am a terrible person, I accept that's how I should be treated because it's what I deserve. It's SUPER FUN!

Actually just kidding, it's not super fun. It's a shitty way to live. Being the self-aware mental case that I am, I go to therapy where I try to hold in my feelings as she asks me to say out loud that I am a good person. Which I can't do. Actually, I can say the words but I refuse to because I don't believe it and I'm not a god damn liar. I'm not going to sit there and tell myself I'm a good person over and over in hopes I'll some day convince myself it's true. That is bullshit and fake. I'm a very honest person, I don't tell other people lies just to make them feel better and I'm not going to do it to myself. Homie don't play that. Real talk.

So I figured I'd write this. Not for your sympathy, not for you to turn around and tell me "but you ARE a good person!" I know you think I'm a good person but I have a rebuttal for that, I have a rebuttal for everything you're gonna say. You see, after living like this for so long, I know all the good comebacks. I'm writing this because it is important for people to understand that by the luck of the draw, some people live their lives feeling this way. And unfortunately, there is nothing, nothing, nothing anyone can do or say to change that mindset until the person in question can make that change for themselves. Frustrating, huh?

I would also hate for anyone who envies me (which sounds completely fucking ridiculous to say, do not envy me at all, I am literally a mess of a person) to read this and think, "Oh no! But she's got something going for her and if she feels worthless, then I should feel super worthless." For the love of all that is holy, I really honestly hope NO ONE says this to themselves but if for some crazy reason you ever think that, even for a second, STOP. You are not worthless, never feel worthless. I feel this way because I am blessed with a brain that hates me, there is something wrong with my gray matter, it's chemically imbalanced or has been somehow traumatize or I have a parasite eating away my brain. There is something wrong with the way I see myself, I know this but never let my opinion or anyone else's ever make you feel like you are WORTH IT. Because you fucking are. This is so incredibly important.

Do not put up with shit from anyone because they tell you or you tell yourself that you aren't worth it or you don't deserve happiness. BECAUSE IT IS NOT FUCKING TRUE. I feel like I just need an entire string of cuss words and caps lock because it is the only way I know how to emphasize the fucking IMPORTANCE OF WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.

You are good, you are full of worth, 
you are a beautiful person, you are smart 
and you are fucking worthy of love.

And if I ever, EVER heard you say otherwise I will come find you and beat the shit out of you, purely out of love though. There will be tons of heart behind my fists of fury and afterwards I will gently kiss the top of your head, wipe your tears and tell you you those 5 things. And then you will look at me and say, "Bitch you are literally crazy, this is the absolute worst way you could have gone about this. It was completely unnecessary and counterproductive. I honestly hate you." Then I will hold you close to my bosom while stroking your hair and say, "Hush little one, I'm coming down from my meds, it's about to get real weird up in here."

No comments:

Post a Comment