Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Where's Rob?

I've noticed I don't have many Rob stories. This isn't because he isn't funny, he's very funny but almost everything that comes out of his mouth is wildly inappropriate. I would probably laugh a lot more if I wasn't so busy yelling at him and asking God to forgive his evil, evil ways. Not a lot of people see that side of Rob, so they automatically assume I'm the embarrassing one in the relationship and he gets all the pity. Wrong, very wrong. I am what I like to call "situational funny", he is "random, offensive funny".
For example, the other day we were at our local crafty store, checking out all the fall decor when I turn around and there Rob is, in the middle of the aisle dragging a 4 foot tall cross around on his shoulder. I don't even know where he found the thing! Then he makes some joke about Jesus. Shame, shame! The blasphemy of it all! Other times the joke is on me, like the time we were watching a marathon of something, Dexter maybe, and the disc ended. Rob looked at the tv, back at me, threw the remote across the room were it landed next to the DVD player and then said "Hey, while you're up getting that remote, put in the next disc will ya?" He is lucky I have a sense of humor.

We recently watched four of the best YouTube videos I have ever seen, search Guy on a buffalo. Better yet, here is the first episode:

*12 Minutes later*

Hahahahaha. Sorry I had to go back and watch them all again. So funny. Anyways Rob and I have been constantly singing the guy on a buffalo chorus with our own custom verses, mine are usually something like "Bella acts like a buffallooo, hey Rolo better watch out cuz that Bella she's crazy, kinda like a buffaloooooooo." So I sing these cute little songs and Rob, in his infinite indecency, is belting out things that I can't repeat but it makes the buffalo sound like he needs to be in prison. So I guess that's Rob's talent, taking something light and funny and turning it into an episode of Criminal Minds/Law and Order: SVU. Awesome.
Rob is also one of the most non-violent people I have ever met but the dude swears like a sailor on crack. One day I will transcribe one of his phone conversations on this blog and I guarantee by the time I am done the K,U, C and F buttons will be broken. Every third or forth word, I swear. People who don't know him probably think he has tourettes. He drops the f bomb like people who constantly use the word "Like" and "Umm" when they talk. I thought maybe he just didn't know he did it until Ellie started hanging out all the time and I realized he could turn it off. I didn't know he could have actual conversations without swearing, it was amazing! I could stop looking for a wedding officiant who would be ok with Rob cussing throughout our vows! Yay!
The other reason Rob only plays a cameo appearance in these posts is because he works allll the time. As I'm writing this, Rob is busy working. He has been at work since 8:00 and will probably get home around 12:00 a.m. Needless to say, this is one of those nights that I have to be extra well behaved, no crazy animal photo shoots or bringing home any large pieces of curb furniture (furniture people threw out to the curb). This is one of the rare nights he can enjoy peace and quiet. And he'd better savor it because my friend Lynsey told me about this sweet new app for my phone called AutoRap, it turns anything you say into a rap, and come tomorrow night I'll be having a solo rap party in the middle of the living room whether he likes it or not.

Gold Chains!

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