Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Sugar Nazi and the Therapist

OK, this is one of my pet peeves that is slightly controversial, but not really. It's something I notice while at work many, many times. I don't like writing too much about things that occur at work because who knows, someday I might get in trouble but since this is something I have personally dealt with in my home life I felt it was safe. I am not a "real mom", I have a stepson who is almost an adult, dog children and a rabbit child, and a niece who comes over all the time but I am not a true mother to an actual child. I just wanted to clarify that because I know some moms might want to argue with the following. I understand my perspective on a lot of things are going to change once I become an actual mom, but I think this view will stay the same.

Alright, so here is my pet peeve. When I'm at a store or bank or at work or a parade and a child receives a piece of candy, a sucker or a cookie and the parent walks away complaining about the amount of sugar, if it's unhealthy, the portion etc. I say to this parent, instead of complaining how about you grow a pair and take it away from the 30-60 pound kid. Just take it away, explain to the kid you don't want them to have it, or say you'll save it for later and just never give it to them, or tell them if they eat it they will turn into a monster, tell them whatever you want but STOP COMPLAINING. I have seen people walk out of a bank, their kid just got a dum dum sucker...repeat that A DUM DUM SUCKER and heard them tell the kid "Your teeth.." *Ahem let me grab my megaphone here.."YOUR TEETH ARE GOING TO ROT OUT FROM ALLL THAT SUGAR!" First of all, do you not brush your child's teeth? Seriously. Or are you that spaced out that you actually believe a piece of candy or a cookie every once in awhile is literally going to cause your child's teeth to fall out? Or are you just trying to traumatize your child? I have a reoccurring nightmare that all my teeth fall out and it's f-ing terrifying. The last time I went to the dentist he told me I had a couple cavities I needed filled, I went home and bawled, hysterically, Rob wanted to punch me. I felt like my nightmare was coming true and I brush my teeth twice a day and floss (when I remember, at least 2-3 times a week). If I ever, EVER find out that my nightmares are stemmed from a buried memory of my mom telling me my teeth are going to fall out from too much sugar, I think I might egg her house. And T.P. it, and then while she is trying to clean it up I'm going to throw water balloons at her.

Also do you realize that a dum dum sucker has LESS sugar in it than an apple? Google it, it's true. I don't know if it's because I don't have children of my own but I am not afraid to take candy from a child, ask Ellie, if I don't want her to have something, I'll just take it from her. Sure she will cry and scream for a minute, but eventually she will get over it! Now do that over and over again and eventually when you take something away from the kid, it won't bother the little bugger. Or try exposure methods. Earlier this summer, Ellie decided she wanted everything in the store and when she would be told no, she would throw a monster fit. I decided to take matters into my one hands using my own version of exposure therapy; when she starts to throw a fit, I show her pictures of starving children in Africa and tell her "Hey Kid, you aren't going to get everything you want it life, so you gotta be happy with what you have!" She's damn lucky I don't just start singing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" in my Vienna Boys Choir voice when we are in the middle of Walmart and she's crying about getting a tee-shirt for a toy dog she doesn't even have. Well I guess she's only 4 so she probably wouldn't care but the point is, lay down the law!

Possible Responses from cry baby parents: "Well I don't want to cause a scene in the middle of the store or bank or wherever the free treat was acquired when I take their treat away" Ok, then don't! Tell them they have to wait until they get in the car or get home and then let them make a scene there. Or better yet, trust that your kid is going to show you a little respect and be a good listener and get down to business right then and there. When I see a kid throwing a fit at a store, I have way more respect for that parent if they refuse to give in just to pacify the kid. Pavlov's classical conditioning, if dogs catch on that quickly you know your kid is gonna have it down to a science within 3 times of it happening.

Listen, I get it. Noone wants to be the bad guy, except me, but that's just because I'm like really super good at it. That's what parenting is, if it was all fun and games all the time they would call it funandgames-renting or some ridiculous Willy Wonka term. If years down the line you end up in a therapist's office with your child because you took away a sucker from him, you look that little shit right in those beady, angry eyeballs and say "Oh really? I ruined your childhood? Now you know how I felt when you came rip roarin' out of my vagina tearing everything up as you went! Yeah, why don't you ask your father how much he enjoyed my lady parts after that shit went down! We used to get CRAZY before you were born, we did it EVERYWHERE! The kitchen, the bathroom, on that couch in the basement. We got FREAKY SON, DAY AND NIGHT! Not after all that calamity! I still sometimes pee a little when I cough thanks to your big ass head!" Pause for a moment to let that sink in while both child and therapist look at you in horror then follow up with "There! NOW you need therapy. Peace out homies" Get up, leave. Simple and effective!

So obviously I am going to make a wonderful parent, I'll probably end up writing several best selling parenting books and when I do, you all can say you knew me when!

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