Wednesday, July 13, 2016

I'm Crazy For You.....But Also Actually Crazy

I think I never put a name to my disorder when I wrote about it because honestly I think my family is worried people will think I'm crazy. Which technically I am but we like to pretend I'm not because it makes us all feel a little better at the end of the day. Well, since I threw all my divorce business out there, have talked about suppositories, bleeding orifices, etc. I might as well come out and say it. If only to discourage anyone from thinking I'm dateable and/or friendable. Tread lightly readers, shit's about to go down.

As I talked about here I have this lovely disorder that makes my life a living hell at times.  Before you judge me by it's name, give me the chance to explain it myself, which will probably make it sound a heck of a lot worse but fuck it. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. As I explain it to many people, including my 8 year old niece when she told me one night, "I'm sad. I can tell you are having a rough time..." (Which by the way broke my fucking heart...) Most people have a range of emotion like so:

{Very sad----------------------Very Happy}

MY very special emotional range is more like this:

{UNBEARABLY SAD --------------------------------------------------------EUPHORICALLY HAPPY}

Basically I feel much more emotion than a normal person. So when I feel "happy", I feel SUPER FUCKING HAPPY. And when I am sad, I feel like dying. It's hard for me to regulate my emotions. Sometimes they refer to BPD as emotional instability which is a good description. I can be feeling fine then something happens and I fall into a black hole of despair. And by something I mean like my significant other didn't hold my hand, or touch me when I walked by, or kiss me long enough. That's all it takes for my brain to decide that I'm not loved anymore or they aren't attracted to me anymore. But it's not just about that, if someone comes into my work and doesn't say hello back or uses an unfriendly tone with me, it triggers me. Then I get upset and angry, I feel like nothing and I just want to give up. Why? Because people with BPD feel worthless, we have no sense of self worth. We determine our worth by what others think of us. We need constant validation, to a point it becomes an addiction. The more I get, the more I need. Can you imagine how incredibly exhausting it is to be with someone with BPD? The fact that I was able to be apart of an 11 year relationship is note-worthy. People with BPD have very unstable relationships with others because of a constant swing from fear of abandonment to breaking up before they can because we know it will eventually happen.

Some of the features of this lovely disorder are: inability to regulate emotions, reckless behavior, distorted self-image, severe mood swings, etc. It doesn't sound that bad, a lot of people may even relate to it like "Hey I experience those things too..." but times what you feel by about 1000. Then enter the other stuff like stress induced paranoia, disassociation, suicidal thoughts and actions, self sucks butts.
I self harmed in high school. Those who knew about it thought it was an attention thing, they figured I would grow out of it, which I did, for awhile. I "relapsed" at 21, stopped, relapsed in 2015,  then started treatment for it because I didn't want to cope that way. In the last few months, I cut more frequently and more severely than ever in my life. I didn't feel like I could stop. Thankfully today I am 54 days clean from cutting and I hope to continue. Then there is the suicide shit. The first time I attempted suicide, I was about 14. It didn't work. For the last 3 years or so, I went through the steps of accepting my fate as a suicide victim. In about February 2016, I set a date and had a plan. In May 2015, I held a loaded gun to my head but I didn't do it because it wasn't time. Instead I was committed to a behavioral unit for 3 days. I lied my way through it so I could be discharged because I didn't want to be there. For the last year, I've put my family through hell, my spouse through hell, my friends through hell and as badly as I have been suffering, they have been as well. I made my plans known in an attempt to soften the blow for my family when it eventually happened. Which would have been July 5th, 2016. That day came, I woke up depressed and wanting to die but I didn't. I went to my therapist, my family kept tabs on me all day and I made it until July 6th.

I have BPD. It sucks but it is what it is. I might never be "cured" but I can be treated. It doesn't make me a bad person, it means my mind is different from others and life is harder for me in some ways. It doesn't mean I'm crazy, or maybe it does. I've had it for years, undiagnosed, so everyone who knows me, this is me. That is me. It doesn't change that person you know, it's just a part of who I am that no one knew about, I didn't even know about it. The reason I wrote this is to explain that mental illness is just a thing. Brown hair, blue eyes, BPD, depression, bipolar, 20/20 vision. It's a part of life. Maybe me sharing will help remove the stigma, maybe I'm making it worse, I dunno. I apologize if I'm not who you thought I am but I promise I'm a good person, at least I try really hard to be. And sometimes I'm funny. And I'll pay for shots of Patron when we go out. AND I give great compliments plus I mean them.

Now that that's out there...I have a WHOOLLEEE bunch to write about! Stay Tuned....

1 comment:

  1. <3 you forgot to say "fucking courageous as hell" to your list of who you are. Thank you for sharing this post. I think you are awesome and that didn't change. It takes a lot to work through it and getting it out there so you can move forward is a great leap forward in itself. Thinking of you!!! :)