Monday, July 11, 2016

Dirty 30

Yes, last week I turned 30. Honestly, I'm surprised I made it this far, I'm a pretty reckless bitch. With 30 comes a new outlook in life, mostly that I'm not 20 anymore. Which just because I'm not in my 20's doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly start acting right. Fuck that, I'm just figuring out how to do me, I'm not about to let something like beginning a new decade change that.

So what exactly have I learned in the last 30 years of my life? What majestic, golden nuggets of knowledge can I spread to the world? It's hard to decide which ones are the most important but I'm going to try really, really, hard.

#1. I'll never remember to take my meds.
Ever since I got off birth control to try and get prego, my uterus has gone rogue and continually attempts to take my life once a month. Because of this, my friendly neighborhood vag doctor suggested trying out birth control again, this time the pill. So I was like, "Alright. Whatever keeps my insides from committing harikari every 27 days is fucking a-alright with me." It seemed like a great idea until I figured out why I never took the pill in the first place. I can't remember to take that shit. It's annoying and it makes my penis envy skyrocket. All I can say is its a pain in the ass and come shark week I'd better see some positive results.

#2. I am getting too old for the bullshit.
From the little petty fights over dumb shit to the little fibs we all tell to spare each others feelings to being treated like anything besides the magnificent land mermaid I truly am, I'm fucking over it. My bullshit tolerance has severely diminished in the last few years. There is absolutely no reason for me to emotionally explode over stupid shit anymore. You talk trash to me, I'll give you a respectable response but beyond that, by Felicia. Go be sad about your life somewhere else, you hateful heifer. I don't need your negativity in my life.

#3. I'll sleep until whenever the hell I want.
I get that I probably should be productive on the weekends but honestly, if I want to sleep all day, I'm gonna do it. No amount of texts or calls is going to change that. So to my sister, I'm sorry you're bored but I'm an adult. If I want to sleep for 17 hours, I'm going to sleep for 17 hours. I'm not going to feel bad about it. Also I probably peed the bed, please come change my sheets and roll me so I don't develop bedsores.

#4. I'll act whatever age I wanna act.
I'm not saying that in a tantrum like way but if I want to beat on a tambourine while wearing a pink wig and interpretive dancing to Sia, well damn it, Imma do it. I pay taxes. If you don't like it, go find something more adultier to spend you time on, like analyze the stock market or organize your sock drawer, I don't give a shit what you do. Just get your foot off my ribbon dancer and clear the room, I've got cartwheels to attend to.

#5. I am allowed to make mistakes.
I'm 30, not dead. Last time I checked there isn't an age that automatically makes you immune to bad decision making. So I'll continue to make mistakes and yeah, most of them are going to be really, really dumb but I'm not that worried about it and you shouldn't be either. Shit happens. Plus it's all the mistakes that make life entertaining. Maybe not at that moment, maybe not to you but I'd probably laugh at your misfortune, just as I expect you to laugh at mine. Life is too short.

#6. Patron is delicious.
Nuff said.

So in closing, those are a few of the magical things I have to share with the world as a 30 year old. I'm super not pumped about being 30, not that it really matters because I was told a couple weeks ago I look 27 so I'm sticking with that. I'm 27...don't ask questions...

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