Monday, June 27, 2016

The Time I Went To The Doctor.....

So I went in to the doctor last week to get a sensual and romantic pap smear done, as a woman does every couple of years. They do whatever they do, call me obese, tell my to change my lifestyle, scrape the inside of my vag with that wirebrush thing, the usual. Two days later they call me and say, "You have an STD..." Ok not an STD but I did come back with a yeast infection. Which happens to women every once in awhile when our bodies decide that they want to be rouge bastards. Also if you ever ask a girl if she's ever had a yeast infection and she says no...she is a fucking liar. Or maybe her vagina is so jacked up she just never noticed she had one. Either way, probably wouldn't bone her if I was you. So they tell me I have this and I say, "That sucks" and they said "We are sending a prescription in for you" so I say "Cool. Thanks. Much Love. Peace out." and drop my phone like a boss.

I go to pick up that perscription and another one I had waiting for me when I run into Rob. Obviously we are still cool and talk to each other. No T. Swift bad blood between us. I'm chatting with him as we are waiting on our meds and tell him the whole story about the yeast infection. Because after 11 years together, we've both seen some shit so it's not a big deal to talk about that stuff. We get our meds, pay, walk through Target, I get a pop, we pay again. So while we are talking I pull the pill out to take it because I want my lady bits back from the dark forces. I take it right as we walk outside of the store and immediately it gets caught in my throat, I hack it up like a hairball into my hand. It had already started to dissolved and i say, "Does this look weird? Like it was a chewable or something?" and Rob says, "I really don't think they make chewable yeast infection pills...." So I hammer it down, just as I finish my drink of pop he goes, "Wait.....don't you usually have to stick it up there with yeast infections?" I turn to him and my face drops, "Holy...fucking...shit...." He asks, "Didn't you read the instructions?!" Now I'm in a full panic because I didn't, I assumed it was an oral pill, "NO!! WHY WOULD I DO THAT?! HOLY SHIT DID I JUST EAT A VAG PILL?! WHAT DO I DO?! AM I GONNA DIE? DO I NEED TO CALL AND TELL THEM I ATE IT SO I NEED A NEW ONE. OH MY GOD!!!" Let me remind you this is all happening in the parking lot of Target with actual humans around us while I'm screaming my head off. I start throwing things out of my purse looking for the wrapper thing it came in. "OH THANK BABY JESUS. It's a mouth pill." We both laughed about it, said goodbye and parted ways.

And that's the time I was 200% convinced I ate a vaginal suppository.

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