Wednesday, June 22, 2016

THESE......Are The Days Of Our Lives

I can't tell you how many times someone has come up to me and said, "You guys need your own reality show" but if I had to guess, probably 7. I'm like yeah, cool, definitely but then I take a look at my life and realize the only reality show I have a chance of being on would be Intervention. Or Hoarders. Or anything they air at 4 in the morning on TruTV but less tow trucks.

I would demand it be a full on reality show too. No producers butting in trying to get ratings, we wouldn't need them. I mean look at all the stuff I blog about, that's all the crap I don't mind sharing on the Internet. People I know in real life read this shit. Now imagine all the other stuff that goes on that I'm either too mortified or not allowed to blog about. Oh yeah, that's money. I mean we might have a few uneventful days but when something goes down, it goes down for real. I'm not even trying to sound like a badass, in fact most of the time I am busy covering up the chaos. My entire life is just a distraction to keep society from finding out what a bunch of eff-up people we are. I mean, we are cool as shit but sometimes things get a little crazy so we offset it with a lot of crazy. Because, you know, logic. I'm fairly certain we ruin at least one outsiders life per year.

Someday I'll write a memoir and never be able to to show my face in public again.Well, I might be able to, if I move to like a remote village in the Amazon or something. That or no one would believe me and it would end up some reverse James Frey "A Million Little Pieces" fiasco where it's published as fiction, everyone thinks it's great but then they find out it's actually a memoir but instead of feeling lied to, they just feel really awful and filthy inside. Which is fine with me, my main goal in life is to make people feel awful and filthy so I'd call that mission accomplished.

Lately our lives have been less entertaining reality show and more Maury with sporadic injections of those weird Japanese game show segments or whatever the hell Wayne Brady does for a living. Something with costumes and very sad clowns. I can't lie, it's very mentally exhausting and hard to keep up on. You have to remember who you're currently pissed at and why. Eventually enough time passes where you just end up forgetting and you start talking to them then someone will bring up a something that happened two months and you think, 'Oh yeah...HEY! Screw you!" and threaten to shave off their eyebrows or just keep asking them, " was your orange juice?" Or " would be a shame if you were to be pulled over...considered what's currently in your car...."

I have seriously considered, one time, this morning, while pooping, that I should just start video taping us. Just to see what happens. I could throw it on YouTube, sit back and wait for the trolls to roll in and start talking shit. Then our new reality show would be the fat ugly love child of Catfish and Squidbillies. We would all wear shirts with cut off sleeves and track down the assholes who wrote I was a ratchet bitch that needs a tan. So basically Dog the Bounty Hunter....which after the initial dry heaving I just had thinking about that show, I'm alright with that.

Stay tuned you adorable little flying fish, this might actually happen.... and yo,TruTV, hit me up.

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